Ah New York… or rather, East Rutherford, New Jersey. Since American Idol lies to us about everything else, why not pretend we’re in New York when we’re really miles away. It’s like pretending we’re watching a singing competition when we’re actually watching American Idol. East Rutherford is the city of tears, as we’ll find out soon enough. Everyone cries here. It’s like a whole city of Picklers. Our guest ghost of the week is Carol Bayer Sager, some songwriter. Since she does absolutely nothing interesting for the entire episode, I won’t mention her again.

 

Another person I hate to mention is Ian Benardo. He’s trying way too hard to get on television and he’s not even funny. So just to piss his stupid ass off, that’s all I’ll say about him too. Why did Nigel and company bother recycling this tired act from So You Think People Actually Watch So You Think You Can Dance? Lame.

 

Starting the streak of people who cry before they even sing a note is Sarah Burgess. She *sobs* snuck to New York *sobs* because her daddy *sobs* doesn’t believe in her *sobs* and she never “goes up to his expectations” *gigantic drooling sob*. So how will she do? Sarah sings “Call Me”. It’s not good, but it’s not bad, just really over the top affected. The producers all like the fact that she’ll cry a lot in future episodes… I mean, the judges like her, so she gets a golden ticket. Sarah does something she’s never done before… she cries… and then calls her dad to tell him that she drove far away and lied to him.

 

Sarah: Dad, I went to New York and tried out for American Idol. I’m going to Hollywood, dad. Please don’t be mad at me, dad!

Dad: Who is this?

 

Father of the year, folks. I don’t suppose the word “dad” should have clued him in or anything. Sarah is probably a VFTWvictory in the making.

 

Fania Tsakalakos is compared to Constantcrap Maroulis… probably because they both look like men. She seems nice though and she sings “Africa”. Overall, unremarkable, but she does TRY TO GO OUT THE WRONG DOOR. Score!

 

Is the third time the charm for Ashanti Johnson? She’s gone to Hollywood twice, and after singing “Loving You”, I’m not quite sure why. She’s not bad, but she definitely doesn’t deserve a golden ticket. Soon, the worst case of whoring one’s self out takes place and I start to feel dirty. She begs the judges to tell her what was wrong with her performance and asks with puppy dog eyes, “What do you need to hear from me?” I do have to commend the editors for the hilarious piano music in the background as Ashanti begs. Because... she’s struggled with her weight, she’s struggled with her music, Randy knows how it is! She’s worked harder than anybody and she’s internalized the judges’ encouragement in the DEPTHS OF HER SOUL. She knows that if America has a chance to see her, we would love her. She walks out very slowly and keeps turning to the judges, waiting for them to change their mind. Slowly. Slowly. Finally she reaches the door and realizes there’s not much more she can do, so she begs more. I love her!

 

Amanda Coluccio and Anontella Barba are like OMG TOTALLY BFF’s 4EVER. They heart shopping and wearing ugly sunglasses!!! And like one is going to like really sing “Crazy” and be like sort of okay goodish and like the other is seriously going to like wow us with “Free” or something like that. LIKE WTF THEY’RE GOING 2 HOLLYWOOOD!!!! They totally want the American Idol 2 like be TWO people this year so they can both win. I’m LiKe LoViNg It! You like completely know that like they’re going 2 cut the blonde chick (Amanda) first in Hollywood and Antonella is gonna be like “NO SHE’S THE TRAINED ONE, OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!! *SOB!!!!!!*” Gag me with a spoon!

 

Taking a page from Taylor’s book, Clifton Biddle plays a mean harmonica, but can’t quite sing because he’s too busy screaming a ZZ Top song. Eh.

 

Then Kia Thornton comes in and sings Aretha Frankin’s “Ain’t No Way”. She a very good singer, but has a problem with her hands making weird movements. She gets through easily and starts screaming “OHTHANKYOUSOMUCCCCCH!” while crying. How many criers have we had today? I want this girl to make it to the top 24 so she can be in the bottom 3 every week and freak out with a new mental breakdown each time. Her and "snuck from Ohio" girl. That would be great TV.

 

With that, day one comes to a close. As day two starts, Simon decides he doesn’t want to show up on time because he's too tired after a wild night of a little game he likes to call Seacrest Out, Seacrest In. And wouldn’t you know, the show goes on and no one cares. First up is Jenry Bejarano, a 16 year old who looks more like a 25 year old model. Seriously, this guy is not 16. He makes Paula wet her panties and easily goes through. Expect to see him in the finals with no trouble. Whatever.

 

Nakia Claiborne lets us know that she has had so much fun, this has been a blast for her, and she can’t wait to go to Hollywood. Nakia first sings “Dancing in the Street” and does a good, but over the top, job. Then she unwisely decides to sing another song and basically butchers “Dreaming of You”. After being told no, she pulls an Ashanti and says that she needs a ticket or she’s going to let everyone down. Of course, this tactic doesn’t work, and she does what any good East Rutherford auditioner would do… she cries. That’s number 4, folks. She’s… just… tired… of… hearing… no. Not that I’m complaining, VFTW loves people who cry for no reason.

 

Sarah Goldberg offers Nakia a tissue while she dances around, oblivious to the fact that she will suffer the East Rutherford crying curse next. She also sings “Dreaming of You”, but it’s worse than Nakia’s rendition. After being rejected, Sarah starts flipping out and explaining that she’s not a singer. She went on the show so that the judges could turn someone who couldn’t sing into the next American Idol by the end of the show. This bitch is loopy, I love her! After going on for about 10 hours, she TRIES TO GO OUT THE WRONG DOOR and bitches even more. This is VFTW-tastic. She cries that she’s a person too and just because she doesn’t have a singing deal, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a life. She found out from the security guy that the judges were out “DRINKING UNTIL 3 AM AND THAT IS RUDE!!!!!” Only 3 AM? Paula must finally be in a program.

 

Simon’s back just in time to hear some guy butcher “New York, New York”. Boring. We then get to see Jory Steinberg talk about how she met the Queen of England, lives in Canada, and stuff. Boring as well. Especially since she makes it through after singing “Chains”. No VFTW potential as of yet.

 

The clouds then parted for Porcelana Patino, the “New Yawk soulja” who has been training for a year to get her body in shape for the show. She says that it takes a New Yorker to deal with the life of an American Idol. Actually, it apparently takes a Southerner, because no one from New York has ever even come close. Porcelana looks like she has a lot of attitude and that she’ll cut a bitch in Hollywood. I’m loving her, and I see some definite VFTW potential.

 

Next up, Christopher Henry claims that he looks like Simon Cowell and George Michael. So he’s saying he looks like a primadona who masturbates in public bathrooms? If that’s your thing, that’s cool, I guess. Simon immediately comments that Christopher is good looking... I'm not even going to comment on that one. Chris sings “Before Your Love” in a high-pitched voice and Simon immediately switched from horny to insult autopilot, saying that Chris should wear a “dress and stilettos”. Didn’t GLAAD get maad at Simon and company last year for the homophobic talk? Apparently Simon’s memory doesn’t go back very far. Paula soon starts slurring words and hitting Simon like the belligerent drunk she is. The judges are such an awful train wreck and obviously Chris doesn’t make it through.

 

Rachel Zevita looks like she’s about 12. She talks about how she may be kicked out of school and might lose her scholarship because she tried out for Idol. It’s not worth it, girl. Seriously. She then growls out some Jeff Buckley, sings some “Ger Here”, and launches into a bit of opera. The judges say she has multiple personalities, but I just call it VFTW syndrome. Rachel makes it to Hollywood surprisingly, so she starts... yep, crying. She says she’ll be the one to stop the south from winning this year; she wants a New Yorker to win. Being that her odd voices are so out there and her personality seems delightfully unmarketable and quirky, VFTW may have a real favorite in this one, but I really can't see her making it to the voting rounds.

 

I’m not even going to mention the idiotic montage where they pretend the people sing in front of the judges, but they're… oh wait, DAMMIT.

 

Is the next person auditioning.. Justin Timberlake? No. He looks nothing like Justin Timberlake. Yet the show keeps saying he does. Now I’m not going to complain, because Chris Richardson is semi attractive, and the show seems to be allergic to attractive guys (none ever make it to the finals), but why make a comparison that isn't even remotely close. Chris sings “A Song for You”, Elliott Yamin’s signature piece from last year. He makes it through and Simon predicts that Chris will surprise them. I'm really doubting it.

 

Another piece of man candy, Nicholas Pedro, quit the show last year, though they didn’t show it when it actually happened. He was shown in a preview last year, but his quitting never made it to the episode, oddly enough. You'd think Idol would want to play that up. Carol says she remembers the judges and how they were rooting for Chris last year… no you don’t, you crazy old hag. They never showed that. Way to make up stuff to pretend like you actually watch the show. Though now I feel like an even bigger loser for knowing that they didn’t show it. Man, I suck. At least these attractive guys are making the episodes slightly bearable. 

 

Finally, Julie “Isadora” Furman treats us to her Kama Sutra performance of “Lady Marmalade”. It’s like a slow building orgasm that starts off easy and soon gets louder, louder, heavier, heavier… but before she can top it off with some Janis Joplin, Simon stops her. She says that George Clinton loves her music, but she gets arrested sometimes. All of the judges hate it and tell her no, so she shoots back that they don’t want to embrace something that’s not pop. Paula says, “Chris Daughtry” and Isadora, smartly having no idea who Penis With Ears is, asks, “Versace? What?” On her way out, Ryan asks how she would sum up day two. Isadora looks confused and says it’s day three, and Ryan plays it off like Isadora is crazy. But if you’ve read The Truth About American Idol Auditions, you’d know that this was Isadora’s third day, so she’s right.

 

Next week, we head to Alabama, just because Ruben. Bo, and Taylor are from there. I’m hoping for a good VFTW pick from Bama because they always vote for their own no matter what, and it’d be beautiful to get someone super crappy really far. Stupid Chris Sligh was in the previews too, so we have to see his Jack Osbourne lookalike self next time. Oh well, hopefully he sucks. We got a lot of VFTW potential from this episode, so let’s keep up the trend in the south.

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