Dave's False Idols
Atlanta Auditions- Obvious Worsters Represent!
Miami Auditions- pOts and pAns BlitChes fcUk wId It!!! (and Julie Dubela Rocks My Socks)
It’s time for Miami Vice. As if Idol wasn’t desperate enough, they resort to lame parody sequences to pass the time. Just get on with it already, Idol. Paula wasn’t drunk enough and Miami wasn’t interesting enough. Even though Ryan tells us that “Paula arrived in good spirits”, I wanted to hear “Paula arrived with good spirits. Lots of them. Tons of bottles.” Get it right next time, Seacrest. Because Omaha was awesome. And Miami was subpar. Even if Simon calls Paula “slutty.”
Omaha Auditions- Paula's Drunken Display and Omaha's Got The Gays!
Finally this season Idol lives up to its promise: Paula Abdul is fucked up beyond belief and can barely slur out two sentences! This is why I started watching the show and this is why I’ll still watch it even though it blows. Paula, your Vicodin and vodka induced stupor makes it all worth it. Some chick says Omaha is not that exciting. She’s right, but at least Paula slurs it up. Also, who knew like half of Omaha was homosexual? I didn’t until this episode. Strut your stuff, Omaha! It turns out that Nebraska is the gayest Idol audition city ever, and I’m loving it.
South Carolina Auditions: Fewer Interchagable Blonde Whores, More Mediocre Gimmicks
According to Semencrest, Charleston is the “friendliest city in America.” He also referred to the auditions as “fresh, untapped talent.” Since we all know by now that the auditioners that make it through are merely plants and ringers, Charleston must actually be the least friendly city in America. I got what you were trying to do there, Ryan. Clever.
San Diego Auditions - Who the hell is Oh-bay-ma?
Apparently, San Diego is the perfect place to unwind, according to Ryan Seacrest. It’s also the perfect place to have some plants audition for American Idol. Tonight Idol introduced us to ringers Carly Smithson, Michael Johns, and David Archuleta, along with a lot of other boring people. But at least the show was only an hour tonight. Two hours of nauseating fake stories would make me lose my appetite.
Dallas Auditions: I Am Your Brother, Your Best Friend Forever, Singing the Songs, The Music That You Like
Ryan wonders if there is any more talent in Dallas or if Kelly is the “lone star”. Oh God, I can’t take it. I wish I hadn’t glued my windows down because I’d be jumping out them right now. At least a contestant says she’s creating a slip and slide in her dress because it’s so hot. Ah Dallas, the classiest city in America.
Philadelphia Auditions: It's so much more than getting on TV...
When I hear the theme music start, I know it’s time to gouge my eyes out. Yes, I’m back for another season of American Idol, because I know you can’t live without my sarcastic recaps of the show. Seriously. One person told me that. They’re actually hooked up to a computer and if they don’t laugh 100 times a day, the computer blows up and kills them. Brutal.
But you can already tell that something is different this time around. First things first, Taylor Hicks is completely missing from the intro to the show. You know, that stupid morphing metal person who turns from a man to a woman and walks around in a futuristic blue world where they’ve never heard of Sanjaya. Yeah, Taylor’s not even there anymore. This just proves that when we selected Taylor as our last VFTW pick of season 5, we know what we were doing. Nigel and the gang must really hate him. Somewhere Taylor is trying to convince himself that his Idol stint was all just a bad dream now that the show wants nothing to do with him. Somewhere else, the producers are convincing Paula to show up to the auditions, which they eventually do by luring her in with a trail of Vicodin pills.
The Atlanta auditions are lame, but at least we get to see some more of the girls who make up our top 24. Not that I care that much. But it helps get the VFTW engines ready. Now that we know Amanda Overmyer is a fashion disaster, Asia’h Epperson has the best sob story ever on the show, and well, Alexandrea Lushington does nothing interesting, we have more to work with.