Dave's False Idols
Top 6- I'm Sorry... Can We... Thank Brooke For Being a Great VFTW Pick?
Top 7- Simon Calls it Karaoke Hell. I Call It... Karaoke Hell
Every year we hear the same thing from the judges. “Whoa, I don’t know if you should be singing the big divas like Whitney, Mariah, Celine… you’ll always be compared.” So to remedy this, Idol has an entire night devoted to Mariah Carey songs. What? Well, it’s clear sign that Idol has jumped the shark, the lake, the ocean, heck the entire planet. But it does provide a great VFTW performance from Kristy Lee Cook.
Really, this show has become a chore to watch. The lackluster cast makes me miss Haley Scarnato. The repetitive judge comments haven’t been funny for years. And this year’s theme might as well be “Songs David Archuleta Already Knows” every week. Except for Beatles week. Because to be fair, who has ever heard of the Beatles? Some obscure Australian guy who sings like a monkey? Of course I’ve heard of him! Beatles? Huh? *nervous laugh* *GASP* *licks lips* *falls down from being starved by stage dad*
So why do I watch? Because this week could produce hilarious results. This week the frontrunners were shitty and the shitty were actually decent. I am hoping against hope that this will lead to an entertaining train wreck of a results show where someone who would have otherwise been in the top 4 will go home. Please make it so, every deity in every religion. It can save the show!
Dolly Parton night came two seasons too late for Kellie Pickler, but I’ll take this night as an homage to VFTW’s very own Dolly Jr. What am I saying? These people suck, and not in a fun way. We had some actual decent performances tonight, but most were sleep inducing or stereotypical dreck. But I think we all know by now that this show is painful to watch. Who did well and who needs to blow the judges to stick around for Idol Gives Head during the Most.Boring.Season.Ever?
Top 10: The Worst Show in the History of Television
Oh my God. This is the worst season of television in the history of television. See:
4th Worst: Married By America
3rd Worst: Celebrity Boxing
2nd Worst: Cavemen
1st Worst: American Idol, Season 7
I have a list. I must be right. I also have a hit list, and currently at the top are the people who greenlit “songs from the year you were born” week. It was terrible, as there was not one good performance all night. And most of the performances were sleep inducing. Even if you’re a fantard and you just agree with the judges, that means you would think only David Cook and Michael Johns were good. So the judges found 8 of the top 10 to be less than good. But it’s not even in a VFTW way. It’s in a boring way.
Top 11: This Show is now Just a Terrible iTunes Commercial
Ballads are boring, Kristy is whoring, the audience is snoring. I cannot believe anyone is still watching this show based on talent. I've seen more talent at a middle school talent show where the kids make armpit noises and sing Soulja Boy songs. Even worse than the nonexistent talent on this show is the fact that apparently Idol has turned into a giant Apple commercial. It's gotten so shameless that iTunes and the iPhone were pimped out at least 5 times in the episode. We might as well have had Steve Jobs pounding Seacrest in the rear for the entire episode, it would have had the same effect but could have been slightly more watchable in a "can't look away" disgusting kind of way. Either way, Apple has raped Idol of its tiny bit of decency, and the contestants raped the remainder of the Beatles catalog. All together now, this is the worst top 11 ever.
Top 12: "Pizza Bistro" is code word for Strip Club
The new stage is hideous. The band floats above the performers. The new logo is awful. Are you ready for the worst top 12 ever? This... is American Idol. See? I can do Seacrest's openings too. Wait, that sounded dirty.
First up singing a Beatles song on the Idol stage is Syesha Mercado. Honestly, it was so boring and pointless, it doesn't even deserve a recap. Who is voting for this forgettable girl? Next.
Top 16 Girls: Zzzzz... The Ballad of Lullaby and Sysleepsha
As I remember the 80's, it was a fun, flamboyant decade full of synth-pop and colorfully embarrassing fashions. As Idol remembers the 80's, it was a boring decade full of pre-crack Whitney Houston, ballads, and more pre-crack Whitney Houston. I could barely stay awake during tonight's episode. No one was good enough to merit applause and no one was bad enough to merit VFTW. They all just kind of phoned it in and bored me to tears. Even their embarrassing moments were boring. For that reason, my recap will rate each singer based on which lifeless activity they embodied tonight.
Who knew Andrew Lloyd Webber night would be one of the most entertaining nights of the year? Now mind you, I didn’t say it was entertaining. I said “one of the most entertaining.” When you compare shit on a stick to plain shit, shit on a stick seems kind of cool. The producers went a step further to single out the ones they hate in a ridiculously transparent way by making them sing in the first 3 spots. And we actually got 2 decent performances for those of you who like good performances (FOOLS!) Don’t worry though, train wrecks abound and Brooke steps up to the plate and hits a VFTW home run.