Top 7 Again on Disco Night - "You’ve gotta get yourself out of Idol land for a while and put yourself in the real world"

Since when does disco night mean ballad night? The contestants are given an uptempo theme and they still figure out a way to make me fall asleep. At least a few of the contestants didn’t pussy out and actually performed disco songs with a disco feel. But Randy’s constant claims tonight that this is the best top 7 ever fell on deaf ears. Even Scott MacIntyre can see that Randy’s a liar and Scott’s not even on the show anymore.

Lil Rounds is given the death spot and told to sing “I’m Every Woman”, the cliché disco diva song. “That oughta do her in,” the producers said. But they’re not taking into account the fervent VFTW support Lil has. As hard as she tries, Lil can’t command a stage and can’t sing the song in the right key. But she’s got an appeal to her ever since she started sassing the judges. I’m liking her a lot, not just a lil. I also have to admit, when she started gyrating and it accentuated her ass, I did love it. Lil’s badonkadonk is a gift and it needs to be on display even more. To sum up the judges: “Lil, we hate you. Go home.” Only Paula played the sick card for Lil, saying Lil had no voice yesterday. Paula, did I ever mention I love you? Because of your attempt to save the VFTW pick, I will refrain from mocking you for the rest of this recap. Simon told Lil, “I think this is the last week we’re ever gonna see you. I absolutely believe this is your final shot.” And Lil sassed back again. Not as good as last week, but she told the judges, “I don’t believe I was karaoke tonight at all.” Loving the new sassy Lil, keep it up, girl. Though I have to say, Lil gets it from her mom. The stink eye that Lil’s mom gave Simon was classic. Everyone has written Lil off as a gonner, and it’s a double elimination. So if we can save her this week, it’ll be a VFTW victory for the ages. I voted for 2 straight hours then I’m voting on West Coast time with Gizmo to try to make Simon’s jaw drop. This one is next to impossible but I’ll stay positive, because Lil’s still got much back…ing from VFTW.

Kris Allen picks “She Works Hard for the Money.” It seems like an odd choice, but I think he’s going for the idea of singing to the women in the audience as if they’re his dirty prostitutes. The frauen who watch this show are an odd bunch, so I bet they like that. Although he came across as an Adult Contemporary jazz standard wannabe, I’m sure many of his fans were watching him as if he was singing, “Vote for me, you dirty girls. That’s right, hookers, dial my number.” Strange. I bet he’s saying that stuff out the side of his mouth when he makes his monkey faces. It’s a secret transmission only women over 40 who weigh over 250 pounds can hear. To me, this performance sounds exactly like something Kris has done before. He’s the Jason Castro of this season, it’s the same thing every week, and the tempo never goes above slow. Paula says that the song has a classy Santana feel and that she’s proud of Kris because “there’s a lot of women willing to shop in the men’s department, but not a lot of men willing to shop in the women’s department” because he attempted to sing a song done by a woman. OK, Paula, I have to mock that. Come on. You leave me no choice. As if Kris wearing a $2 Hanes T-shirt wasn’t enough, I guess it was a woman’s T-shirt. Or maybe he borrowed it from Simon’s closet? Simon says that even if Kris likes women’s underwear, it was still a fantastic performance. I wouldn’t say fantastic. I’d say generic. Now if Kris would put on women’s underwear and sing? I would vote for that!

Danny Gokey continues to act like a douche while singing “September.” His voice sounds even more annoying than normal, and his performance basically defines “karaoke” much more than Lil’s did. He also looks ridiculously awkward and amateurish on stage. If this guy ever releases a record (and by record, I mean vagina), he better not go on tour to promote it unless he wants to owe the label money. Also, Gokey screamed the entire time in a very unpleasant way. How can the judges compliment him? Kara says Danny’s pitch is always on, and Paula says that he has one of the sexiest voices she’s ever heard. Paula, darling. Remember how I wasn’t going to mock you? It’s like you’re testing me. Our truce is over. Simon calls the performance a bit awkward and a bit clumsy. And although I really want him out, there’s no way Douchey Danny’s out yet tomorrow. Soon though.

Is anyone else disturbed by Allison Iraheta singing “Hot Stuff?” The girl is 16 and this song is completely inappropriate for her to be singing. Is it because she looks like she’s 40 that she thinks she can get away with it? From her faux “sexy” pose on the stairs at the beginning of the performance to her affected mannerisms while moving around the stage, this is not just bad… it’s incredibly awkward. The slow tempo also makes the song sound like it lasts forever. Her voice is ok on the song, but I can’t get past the fact that she is too young to try to play a sexpot. Kara thinks slowing the song down hurt her performance, but she of course looks like a moron by saying that Donna Summer won a Grammy for Best Rock Vocal Performance for this very song. No one cares, Kara. Take your music knowledge and stuff it in your lonely vagina that longs for Matt Giraud’s boil. Paula says that the word “compromise” doesn’t belong in Allison’s vocabulary, mostly because it isn’t in Paula’s vocabulary. And if Paula can’t use it, no one can. So there!

Adam Lambert is back to singing a slow song, because he’s still on the Flamebert one week/Lamebert the next week routine. This week it’s time for Lamebert, and there’s not a worse time to be lame than on disco week. “If I Can’t Have You” sees Adam looking desperate for the first time in the competition. Unlike “The Tracks of My Tears” and “Mad World” where Adam created at least a semi-decent moment, it’s like he was trying way too hard here and it didn’t come across right. This song was never sung slowly before on purpose, it sounds horrible this way. This is Adam’s first real stumble in the top 13 for me, and it shows he’s not trying as hard as he should be. Or maybe he’s trying too hard. Stop coasting, Adam. Bring out the freak flag again next week, because you’re boring me. Randy obligatorily tells Adam he’s a hot one tonight and Kara says that Adam looks like the guy from Saturday Night Live meets Clark Kent, whatever that means. Paula proves that while “compromise” isn’t in her vocabulary, “visceral” is when she says that she never questions her visceral response to Adam’s performances as she cries. Simon says he would have bet $10,000 that Adam was going to sing Donna Summer. Nice way to throw in a gay jab, Simon, you dickhead. Ryan ends it all by saying that Adam melted Paula into a “pool of Abdul.” No, Ryan. She did that on her own with the prescriptions. The tears are just a Botox leak from her forehead because there’s too much in there and it needs to leak out somehow.

Matt Giraud somehow thinks that singing “Stayin’ Alive” is going to save him again this week. My dream elimination is for him to go home this week and have America basically say, “No, we were right. Get out.” Not because I don’t like Matt. But because I do love irony. And also because hearing him sing about how he’s staying alive with the words “I’m goin’ nowhere, somebody help me” as his singout would be beyond priceless. His performance is not good at all, but at least he’s covering his third eye with his hat. Paula says that Matt picks songs like she bowls, one minute she’s getting a strike, the next she’s passed out on top of the ball return and the paramedics rush in to get her leg out now that it’s stuck and she’s slurring for help. Simon hated the performance saying, “You’ve gotta get yourself out of Idol land for a while and put yourself in the real world.” Yes, out of Idol land, a place where Danny Gokey makes people think he can sing well and where Tatiana Del Toro and Normund Gentle were cast aside for third rate bar singer wannabes. I hate that Idol land!

Anoop Desai gets the pimp spot because the show can’t lose both of its dark skinned contestants in one week or cries of RACISM will abound. I’ll still cry racism when Lil goes, but that’s because it’s funny to accuse America of sucking. Anoop sings “Dim All the Lights” and starts it off in typical Anoop slow fashion. Then when the beat comes in, he still manages to keep it boring. This guy could make a performance of “My Neck, My Back” somehow boring. What the hell? Anoop’s vocals are as subpar as they always are on fast numbers and his last note is particularly bad. The first 3 judges love the performance, with Kara saying that the performance could be on the radio. Simon brings us all back to reality and says that the performance was “mediocre at best... your worst performance by a mile.” Oh good, that’ll hopefully help save Lil!

So who goes home? That’s a real toss up tonight. Wisdom before the show started would have said Lil and Anoop were headed out. And Lil still looks like a gonner unless we saved her. I’m going to remain positive as always and assume VFTW pushes her to the next round somehow. Logic then says that Matt Giraud will hopefully sing his way out in a funny fashion, followed by Anoop or the forgettable Allison in the middle. Kris could also easily go, but I feel like the producers want him around longer with Allison. So Matt and Anoop would be my picks.

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