Apparently this is the fight of the century according to Michael Buffer. Fight? David Cook is too out of shape to put up a good fight and Gaspy would probably die after one punch. I’d rather see Jorbacca fighting anyone with her wookie power. Or Taylor spazzing out and knocking someone in the head. Even Ruben Studdard sitting on someone would be more entertaining. But no, we’re stuck with these 2 jokers. And they can’t even make a finale that entertaining.

This show sucks. Thankfully, as one stoner is cast into the ocean, another stone is turned over. Presenting The David Archuleta 2008. He forgets his words and he has an annoying stage dad that will ensure he makes bad decisions to entertain us for months to come.

David Archuleta says that his song picked by Paula, And So It Goes, is a “really pretty song.” He performs it with his eyes closed as always. It has a decent beginning, but his ridiculous melismified ending ruins any semblance of a good performance (luckily for VFTW). David then panders for VFTW votes by completely butchering Chris Brown’s “With You.” First Chris is forced to duet with Jorbacca, then you do this to his song. Why does thy hate Chris Brown so, Idol? Funny how an 18 year old can sing the song and make it seem relevant, while a 17 year old who looks 12 seems completely out of place singing it. To hear David sing “I need you boo” and “Hot little figure, yes you a winner” was awesome enough, but he was completely flat for most of the song and he flubbed his lines for the umpteenth time this season. This truly memorable and terrible performance solidifies David’s place in VFTW history. Lastly, the producers picked “Longer” for him. The vocal was decent and it was easily better than his other 2 performances, but it was ridiculously slow and pointless.

I have never seen someone thrown under the bus with such conviction. Bravo, producers and judges. You all but already eliminated Jason Castro before he even sang a note last week, so you're just finishing the job tonight. So what does Jason do? In typical stoner fashion, not give a shit. And it was awesome! Jason’s antics tonight were legendary, even if the rest of the night was a snooze. Even when the contestants get to pick their own songs, we learn that they have really awful taste or have no idea what suits their voice. Thus, the 500 Songs that Shaped Rock and Roll became the 8 Songs that People Will Forget About By Next Week.

This week may be one of the most painful weeks of American Idol ever. Whoever created the Neil Diamond theme week should be boiled alive in Brooke White’s acidic tears. At least last week we had some really fun moments and some decent performances. This week, every single performance was bad or, at best, mediocre. And only one of those “bad” performances was VFTW worthy (of course, from Brooke). The only saving grace to this show was a train wreck of a moment from Paula when she wasn’t paying attention and slipped up that she doesn’t watch any of the performances. Classic!

Who knew Andrew Lloyd Webber night would be one of the most entertaining nights of the year? Now mind you, I didn’t say it was entertaining. I said “one of the most entertaining.” When you compare shit on a stick to plain shit, shit on a stick seems kind of cool. The producers went a step further to single out the ones they hate in a ridiculously transparent way by making them sing in the first 3 spots. And we actually got 2 decent performances for those of you who like good performances (FOOLS!) Don’t worry though, train wrecks abound and Brooke steps up to the plate and hits a VFTW home run.

Every year we hear the same thing from the judges. “Whoa, I don’t know if you should be singing the big divas like Whitney, Mariah, Celine… you’ll always be compared.”  So to remedy this, Idol has an entire night devoted to Mariah Carey songs. What? Well, it’s clear sign that Idol has jumped the shark, the lake, the ocean, heck the entire planet. But it does provide a great VFTW performance from Kristy Lee Cook.

Really, this show has become a chore to watch. The lackluster cast makes me miss Haley Scarnato. The repetitive judge comments haven’t been funny for years. And this year’s theme might as well be “Songs David Archuleta Already Knows” every week. Except for Beatles week. Because to be fair, who has ever heard of the Beatles? Some obscure Australian guy who sings like a monkey? Of course I’ve heard of him! Beatles? Huh? *nervous laugh* *GASP* *licks lips* *falls down from being starved by stage dad*

So why do I watch? Because this week could produce hilarious results. This week the frontrunners were shitty and the shitty were actually decent. I am hoping against hope that this will lead to an entertaining train wreck of a results show where someone who would have otherwise been in the top 4 will go home. Please make it so, every deity in every religion. It can save the show!

Dolly Parton night came two seasons too late for Kellie Pickler, but I’ll take this night as an homage to VFTW’s very own Dolly Jr. What am I saying? These people suck, and not in a fun way. We had some actual decent performances tonight, but most were sleep inducing or stereotypical dreck. But I think we all know by now that this show is painful to watch. Who did well and who needs to blow the judges to stick around for Idol Gives Head during the Most.Boring.Season.Ever?