STP's Canadian Idol Freakshow
CI5 Episode 9: Girls Top 9: "Annika Odegard Gets Ripped A New One"
CI5 Episode 8: Boys Top 9: "Roses Are Red, Clifton Murray is Orange"
It's time for our top nine boys and seven days hasn't been enough to digest Tyler Mullendore's performance from last week. For the first time ever on any Idol show, contestants are able to play instruments, although AI played Sanjaya like a piano last season.
Ben is wearing a very pretty scarf in the front pocket of his jacket that perfectly matches his orange face. VFTW Buddy Tyler has the pimp spot and he's so excited, he's having a seizure. Farley tells the Idols to take risks, like the jacket he's wearing. Zack tells them they need to be different, like sporting a pony-hawk or performing on a skateboard.
Liam "Styles" Chang
CI5 Episode 7: Top 22 Results: "...And Then There Isn't Maud"
We move on to our first results show and Canada once again shows it's more merciful than America as we are forced to wait only thirty minutes instead of an hour to cut off the heads of our first four sacrficial lambs. Our host Ben comes out and announces that tonight he's trying to set a World Record for most product in a human head of hair. It's Zack's birthday so he'll be throwing a garbage can for each year he's been alive plus one for good luck straight at Liam.
CI5 Episode 6: Girls Top 11: "Maud Coussa-Jandl' Means 'Crap' In French"
Now that we've met the Boys, there's nowhere to go but up as we meet this year's Girl Idols (and next year's Playmates!). VFTW has great hope for Sk8rBoi Montana Martin Iles but is always open to someone who may be even crappier or more freakish than her. Ben has reached deep into Truman Capote's wardrobe for his outfit tonight. VFTW Buddy Tyler Mullendore is hangin' in the lounge, looking cool as he's having an epileptic seizure.
Tara Oram
CI5 Episode 5: Top 11 Boys: "Tyler Mullendore 'Lights it Up' For VFTW, Buddy!"
After getting through the mercifully quick Audition and Hell Week process, we're ready to begin the hellishly long singing part of this show. While many of our Idols are rubbing elbows with famous people for the first time, our host Ben must be rubbing faces with Ryan Seacrest and Clifton as he's more orange than ever. CI now has the band from the get-go and has thrown the piano out the window right onto the curb on Younge Street, where Montana and her escort have been staying.
CI5 Episode 4: Hell Week, Part 2: "I'm Gonna Puke"
As we continue along Hell Week and the judges choose the Best of the Best, VFTW begins to lock in on who's the Worst of the Worst. We were left hanging last night as to the fates of Ultra Bitch Martha Joy and Squeegee Thing Montana. CTV shows its Worseness by replaying Martha's Bitch Edit and bomb performance from last night, just in case she had one fan left. The judges make VFTW's job much harder (but so much more joyful!) by keeping these two around.
CI5 Episode 3: Hell Week, Part 1: "Martha Joy: Evil B****!"
Now that the auditions have ended, we're off to Toronto, where every week is Hell Week. We see our pimped ones leaving their farms and massive inbred families for the dream of becoming the next Ryan Malcolm. Jaydee has a new look and has made sure to kiss each of his sisters goodbye. Dave Kerr welcomes the Idols to Toronto, carrying more guitars than you'd see at a squeegee convention.
Round 1
CI5 Episode 2: Auditions, Part 2: "Martha Joy Sucks!"
The little trainwreck that could continues with the second week of auditions. And now we have Annika's and Martha's friends along for the ride!
Montreal
My hometown always holds the promise of many Celine Dion ripoffs with goat vibrato, missed notes and riffing to spare. Since the French contestants are always the first eliminated on CI, this whole process is a bit superfluous but let's do it anyway! Maybe we'll find a French Papaya!
It's time for the Top 9 Girls and as the opening credits roll, we see that Canadian Idol is produced by John Brunton, who's like Nigel Lythgoe but more experienced in sodomy. Ben comes out and his skin tone sends VFTW Buddy Tyler into a seizure. Our girls come out one at a time like some fashion show from hell. VFTW darling Montana Martin Iles isn't on her skateboard, as Martha Joy is hiding it from her.
Farley is wearing a zebra jacket which he shot and skinned himself. Zack wants no more posing, and that's with Derek already gone. He also says he is sick of stiff, tanned mannequins/Clifton Murray.
Martha Joy