Sausage lovers line up here as it’s time for our all-male Top 5 on Canadian Idol. Ben tells us it’s Beatles night and that they’re the most influential group ever, having influenced an entire generation of druggies and sex perverts who are now leading our country and businesses. Zack reminds us of when The Beatles said they were Bigger than Christ 40 years, which caused less of an uproar than if American Idol had an openly gay contestant on its show today. Ben asks Jake if The Beatles changed the business of music, and they certainly did by ending the most successful run ever by a music act in 1970 having around two dollars in their bank accounts. Farley talks about our Idols' journey to today, which involves Theo eating about 1000 cases of Kraft Dinner and a whole lot of banging Amberly.

Last week, CTV crushed VFTW’s chubby grape Mark Day, removing all color from this show, leaving it a sickly, pasty white. And no one is pastier than Mitch MacDonald, who with VFTW’s support will now go higher than the helium shooting out of his mouth. Ben tells us it’s Canadian Week and he knows how lucky we are to still have a Canada after the train wreck that was his father’s government. Simple Plan is here to show our Idols how to properly rip-off other bands’ sounds and images to become the most derivative act in music today. Sass says that one of her favorite Canadian bands is Nickleback, meaning she must also love Daughtry, as every single one of their songs is a watered down rip-off of Nickleback. Ben asks Zack what he’s expecting, and Zack says That we get past this lame part of the show and onto his favorite part where he destroys young hopefuls’ dreams in front of their family, friends and entire nation.

If you think the economy’s bad or you're concerned about the environment or terrorism, that’s nothing compared to my task tonight as I have to try to find something funny to say about seven pieces of white toast and sausage as it’s Top 7 night on Canadian Idol. It’s a holiday in Canada but there is no rest for the person responsible for greasing up Ben’s hair. Tom Jones is the mentor tonight and will teach our virtually all male cast how to stuff their pants and pick up groupies, but that’s redundant after our Idols met with Jaydee Bixby earlier this season. Jake wants the contestants to step up after being major pussies for 2 months, but not any more than VFTW wants our pick Mark Day to step it up after playing it straight (Well, kind of straight) with an explosion of chubby Newfy Grapeness and Cod cheekiness that’ll have Canada dancing before they pass out drunk on their lawns.

Just in case you weren’t in a deep coma after Amberly’s performance last week, CTV’s ready to bury Canada (and itself) six feet under the ground, as it’s Top 8 acoustic night. While the instruments are unplugged tonight, Ben hasn’t unplugged the machine that produces grease for his hair. Ben tells us this week is CRUCIAL, as opposed to Top 9 week, which is for losers, and Top 7 week, which is for weaklings. Jake says tonight is a chance for our Idols to show their vulnerabilities, of which they have so, so many. Sass says we get to see the Idols naked, but not Theo, please. And Zack doesn’t give a crap about anyone but himself (and VFTW!) as when asked about tonight’s theme he talks about how he’s dressed as a disco ball. Mr. Gwen Stefani, Gavin Rossdale, is the mentor tonight, ready to prove he can suck as much acoustic as he did electric.

It’s Top 9 time and Ben tells us the Idols can sing any song they want tonight, with one condition…it was written by a rotting, stinking corpse, as we get ready for the most morbid theme night (and blog!) in Canadian Idol history. Ben says they poked all these artists with a stick to make sure they were dead, as dead as his father’s political career after pilfering Canada’s coffers as Prime Minister. Jake says Kurt Cobain is still very influential, inspiring fellow drug infested losers to kill themselves to this day. Zack says his favorite dead stars are Karen Carpenter and Keith Richards, who’s almost as dead as Zack’s music career.

We started with thousands of fame whores, where we met moos like Vanessa Kalala and trannys like Ryan Mawla. It then got narrowed to 200 wannabes, where we met cancer whore Dan Young, while Taylor Abrahamse saw his first vagina, that of partner Pappy J. Gordon. And then we narrowed it down to 24, when Oliver Pigott went three weeks without being able to squeeze out a turd, all the while Mark Day was ripening into one of the finest Giant Grapes VFTW has ever seen. But the garbage is gradually being swept to the curb as we get to see for the first time the special ten Canadians who get to prove they belong on today’s charts by doing 90 second versions of Paul Anka and Queen songs, all while being ripped apart by the judges (and VFTW!) for the next two months.

VFTW’s favorite show is back and we’re giddy in anticipation as we await an unprecedented slaughter as six fame whores will have their dreams crushed this week. And Canadian Idol’s ready to shift modes, from freakish to boring, as this is the week VFTW’s favorite contestants always get cut. But VFTW has teamed up with Newfoundland and Chubarama as we all await a performance, or perhaps a song choice, from Mark Day that screams I Love VFTW!

Ben’s back and he’s wearing a grape-colored hankie in honor of VFTW’s Giant Grape Mark. It’s music to my ears as he says there are only eight performances tonight but who can trust Ben after lying to us like his father that there was a Top 22. He tells us we’ll be meeting the special ten this Wednesday who'll have the honor of getting all of VFTW’s individual attention for the next two months. Farley says the cream is rising to the top, but it’ll sink back to the bottom as these Idols will become obese on Kraft Dinner. Jake says that the Idols need to give that performance that’ll make people vote, so Mark better be ready to Dance! Dance! Dance!

It’s Canada Day and we’re back to celebrate in true VFTW-style with ten of the worst Canada has to offer. Ben tells us that after tonight it’s Canada who’ll be deciding who will be staying and who’ll be going, and VFTW’s decided that Mark Day will be staying as we poured all of our mighty, and sometimes scary, resources behind him last night. So VFTW can sit back and relax and fully wallow in the train wreck that is Canadian Idol. But it’s the Idols who’ll be wallowing as tonight’s theme is Pathetic Sob Stories as each Idol tries to win our votes by telling us of some childhood deformity or dragging a dead relative’s corpse up onto the stage.