Last week, CTV crushed VFTW’s chubby grape Mark Day, removing all color from this show, leaving it a sickly, pasty white. And no one is pastier than Mitch MacDonald, who with VFTW’s support will now go higher than the helium shooting out of his mouth. Ben tells us it’s Canadian Week and he knows how lucky we are to still have a Canada after the train wreck that was his father’s government. Simple Plan is here to show our Idols how to properly rip-off other bands’ sounds and images to become the most derivative act in music today. Sass says that one of her favorite Canadian bands is Nickleback, meaning she must also love Daughtry, as every single one of their songs is a watered down rip-off of Nickleback. Ben asks Zack what he’s expecting, and Zack says That we get past this lame part of the show and onto his favorite part where he destroys young hopefuls’ dreams in front of their family, friends and entire nation.

Canada hates women so CTV decides to get Amberly Thiessen out of the way first. Simple Plan, like everyone who’s been on this Sausage Fest this year, screams A Girl!, exposing how amateur CTV’s editing crew and poorly produced this show is as Amberly obviously met Simple Plan later but is going first. Simple Plan find her genuine, like a three dollar bill. Amberly’s doing 1,2,3,4 by the artist she probably reminds me the most of, Feist. And another thing they share in common is how much I hate them as this song makes me want to torture puppies. One would think Amberly would ace this song, but one would be wrong as, after VFTW’s gotten into her head, she’s so busy stumbling around the stage trying to show a pulse, she’s forgotten how to sing. Jake thinks it was a good imitation and declares Amberly the winner of Fanny’s Roadside Karaoke Contest Week. Sass tells Amberly she needs to Swallow the stage, but Amberly can’t swallow another thing after living with ten men for two months.

And CTV is little cock teasers as we enter The Pantene Zone, raising expectations to the highest levels, but alas, no sighting of the TRUE star of Canadian Idol, CI Tranny Hairdresser. But tranny fans fear not as Theo Tams is next. And maybe CI Tranny Hairdresser is in hiding after giving Theo the most hideous haircut of the season. Simple Plan saw Theo finally stand up last week and their advice to him is to sit down. And Theo knows a perfect cop out when he sees one as he’s going to plant his fat ass permanently behind the piano for the rest of the season. While this may put Theo in his comfort zone, it also puts VFTW in their comfort zone as we’ll now be able to fully focus our flaming on the contestant most feeling The Kraft Effect this season. Theo’s a little concerned that him doing Joss Stone and Colbie Cailliat over the past few weeks may come off as too macho so he’s being extra careful tonight and doing a Sarah Slean song. And while Theo sitting behind a piano belting out a girlie song may make flaming him easy, it also makes my blog reviews of him easy too…

-Sat at piano

-Back fat hangs over seat

-Did girlie song

-Sang like Drag Queen

-Judges lick his crevice

-Judges infer he’s gay

-Ben drips grease on stage

VFTW picks come in many shapes, colors and sizes. Sometimes we have picks like Mark Day, who are lovable, fun, interesting and cool. And sometimes we get the exact opposite, like our next contestant, Mitch MacDonald. He’s been bestowed the great honor of getting VFTW’s support and it would be the biggest news to hit Cape Breton in years if everyone weren’t passed out drunk on their floors. Mitch needs to do something to respond to this honor but giving himself an extra pump of helium up the ass isn’t doing it as he’s doing another song no one’s ever heard of. And there’s a reason why certain songs aren’t known…THEY SUCK! Beyond occasionally wearing hideous pants and getting slagged by the judges, Mitch is never going to be one of our loved picks so we’ll be plugging our noses as we put our (approximately) 3 million votes towards him. But even with our noses plugged, we won’t sound half as whiny as this bitch.

It would take some stoned freak having a seizure on stage to excite me after that. Fortunately, we have that as Earl Stevenson’s next! Simple Plan finally serves a purpose as they tell us a humiliatingly story of how they’re always booed off the stage when opening for a legit group. Earl’s doing The Tragically Hip’s Little Bones and I hope he doesn’t choke on any as he’s ready to Whirl, Twirl and Earl himself all the way to China (where he can tell their government they suck big donkey schlong). And no one can ever say he isn’t going for it as Earl is going to dance, sing and spaz until Canada says No More! Zack says I can’t believe we're seeing this on the cheeseball Idol stage, and we can’t believe how VFTW an Idol judge can be.

We’re back with two tards named Katelyn and Natalie who won a contest to come to the show and meet some stars, and after they are forced to meet the Idols, they finally get to meet one as they get the greatest honor a Canadian Idol fan can get…they’re getting their hair done by the TRUE star of Canadian Idol, CI Tranny Hairdresser!!! CI Tranny Hairdresser takes a look at these two fatties and has a three step solution…Product! Product! Product! Our newly whored-up guests now get a backstage tour and see Ben’s dressing room but they’ll have to get into line to see John Brunton’s as he’s busy banging prospective contestants for next season’s show.

Mystery wrapped in a riddle wrapped in a gnome-like body Drew Wright is next. I’m not sure what Simple Plan means when they say he makes it look too easy. But they thankfully clarify as they basically tell Drew he’s as energetic and interesting as a cow’s corpse. Simple Plan say they Want to see some dirt, but Drew must think they mean the dirt you throw into a grave as once again he’s giving us another lifeless performance, this time Big Wreck’s That Song. Jake says he produced that song, giving him the credibility to tell Drew he sucked. And it’s probably a good thing Drew isn’t conscious as Zack first says he didn’t like him when he was JT Lite, and is now glad Drew is being himself, where Zack can hate him for who he truly is.

CTV and Brunton are obviously clueless but one thing even they know is that Toronto is a useless sack of poop and they’re going to do everything they can help Death Bed Mookie Morris, even transparent manipulation like giving him the pimp spot. Simple Plan ask him where his name comes from and Mookie’s brushing this one aside after VFTW caught him flagrantly lying about it earlier this season. He’s doing Steppenwolf’s Magic Carpet Ride (Hello Alyssa Klazek!) and like Theo, Mookie’s become one of my best friends as all I need do is copy and paste one of my past write-ups of him instead of making an effort. To wit…

From Top 7…

drunken mumbling…

mumbling as only he can...

From Top 10…

mumbling something about The Man Who Sold The World...

From Top 20 Week…

He tells us he plays all instruments and says one day he will learn to sing, but first must learn to talk as he goes on some unintelligible delusional rant about once having a future in hockey

See! It’s that easy. On behalf of all lazy Canuckian stoners on Canuck Rock Week, Go Mookie Go!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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