It’s Top 9 time and Ben tells us the Idols can sing any song they want tonight, with one condition…it was written by a rotting, stinking corpse, as we get ready for the most morbid theme night (and blog!) in Canadian Idol history. Ben says they poked all these artists with a stick to make sure they were dead, as dead as his father’s political career after pilfering Canada’s coffers as Prime Minister. Jake says Kurt Cobain is still very influential, inspiring fellow drug infested losers to kill themselves to this day. Zack says his favorite dead stars are Karen Carpenter and Keith Richards, who’s almost as dead as Zack’s music career.
Theo Tams is first and he’s doing No Woman, No Cry and Theo will always be No Cry as he will always have No Woman. Through the first four weeks, Theo has easily been the laziest contestant in the history of the Idol franchise as he’s sat on his fat ass for every single one of his first four performances. And while he’s not sounding like Bob Marley, he’s showing as much life as him as he’s sitting on his fat lazy ass AGAIN. But towards the end of the song, we get a signal that something’s going to happen, and that signal comes in the form of a hideously sung note…Theo stands up! And it’s time to sit back down as this lazy fatty moves around like a bus with three flat tires. And this bus is about to crash as Theo proves that you, despite everything your parents and teachers told you, should never go out of your comfort zone…stay where you are, become fat, lazy, mediocre and maybe you too can reach the Top 5 of Canadian Idol, just like Dwight D'Eon and Matt Rapley.

Mitch MacDonald is next and he doesn’t care that the corpse of this next composer is still warm as he’s doing Jeff Healy’s Angel Eyes. It was a bummer when Jeff died but I’m a bit comforted knowing that he would’ve only had a short time to live had he been around to hear Mitch’s atrocious version tonight. I can’t even describe what Mitch sounds like anymore…a castrated chipmunk getting helium blown up his ass? Zack points out that Mitch has one of the most unique voices here, and tonight he found it uniquely annoying. Mitch better hope that his Cape Breton fans are even drunker than usual if he has any hope of surviving this week.

Now get ready to light the show on fire as Earl Stevenson’s next! He’s doing The Doors song and while Jim Morrison said it would be untrue if he said he couldn’t get much higher, I seriously doubt Earl could get much higher as he’s giving for my money his best performance yet, with all the grooviness mixed with severe spazzing and hipster-doofiness any of his fans could ever ask for. And the judges (and me) have reached a turning point tonight as we realize Earl is more than a joke and is ready to compete big-time on this show, so long as he doesn’t spaz his head or limbs off his body first. Zack says he’s never seen someone communicate so much without ever opening their eyelids, even Stevie Wonder. And Earl’s in shock over the judges’ praises, either that or he just realized Uhhhhh, I left my bag of weed in my pants when I did the laundry.

Time to do a 180-degree turn as Sebastian Pigott’s next. Ben tells us that the Idols have unearthed songs from some of the deadest stars ever, and Sebastian is the deadest Idol contestant ever as he’s doing a completely atrocious version of Love Me. And no wonder Jaybee Bixby is rocketing up the charts (and owning Brina Melo’s ass) as his 4 month non-stop Elvis impersonation was Mozart compared to Sebastian, who extended the record he broke long ago for longest run on an Idol show without singing a single correct note. The judges have had it… even Farley, who’s largely been a benign 400 pound blob for six seasons, suddenly awakens from his coma and tells Sebastian that while he’ll have a lot of messages on his answering machine when he gets back tonight for modeling, acting, along with gay porn and an even kinkier one from frogtard, they’ll be no messages offering record contracts. Congrats, Sebastian, you’ve set another Idol first…you’ve just been told to GET THE HELL OUT OF THE MUSIC BUSINESS!

Katherine St. Laurent’s next and it’s time for a reality check for everyone as she’s singing Move Over by probably the greatest female rock singer ever, Janis Joplin. There are those who think Katherine is a star, others who want to turn her into a rocker by whoring her up. But Janis’ background is somewhat different than this 16-year-old French private school princess, as tonight Katherine’s nothing more than a French singing robot in whore’s clothing, hair and makeup. I believe in Katherine and she had a chance to RIP this song but instead pussies out and gives us a version as hard as a vat of cotton candy, and that vat is bolted to the middle of the stage as Janis is still showing more movement than Katherine. Jake says she isn’t angry enough, but she will be after she reads some of the stuff I’ll have to say if she doesn’t grow some balls fast. Zack sympathizes that she’s never performed in front of 2 million people, and she still hasn’t, as the sinking ship can’t even crack a million viewers anymore.

It’s time for 5 minutes of head scratching as Drew Wright’s next. Who the hell’s voting for this gnome-like creature? He’s doing No Rain by Blind Melon and Ben reminds us the extremely annoying singer died of a drug overdose, and I’m kind of jealous right now as I’d prefer to never see Drew again. He’s been told he’s the biggest stiff ever on Idol so he’s trying to make up for it tonight by wearing a stupid hat and flapping around like a chicken. Congratulations Drew, you’re no longer the biggest stiff ever on the show (Amberly’s coming up in a minute), you’re now just the biggest spaz ever on the show, at least till Mookie performs in a minute. And we may have finally figured out why Drew is still on the show as his apparent lover Ben, after last week holding out a special message for his new bum buddy Drew on his palm, now comes out dressed in a bumble bee suit, the same one he wore last night when they were practicing for a play down at the Community Center (Only Canadians and fans of TPB will get that one!).

Mookie Morris is next and Ben reminds us that the only way to be on the show tonight is to be dead, and Mookie may shortly be joining this list due to alcohol as he’s giving us the most drunk performance we’ve seen since Taylor Hicks won Idol. He’s doing James Brown’s I Feel Good but he Dance Bad. Mookie’s bringing everything we’d expect of a drunk performance (sans gray hair and purple velvet jacket) as he’s running around the audience like a jackass, mumbling the words, flirting with old women, before finally flopping on the stage like a decrepit drunk. Zack says that he…ZOMG, never mind…CI Tranny Hairdresser sighting!1!

Amberly Thiessen’s next and I’d like to welcome all of Canada, along with the CI judges, onto the STP bandwagon as you’ve all finally admitted what I knew a month ago, that Amberly is the lamest contestant we’ve seen on an Idol show in a long time. In her four performances, she’s drooped behind her guitar, barely making a sound louder than any of the corpses we’re celebrating tonight. She’s doing Redemption Song by Bob Marley and this white piece of toast from polygamist Seven Persons, Alberta isn’t quite feeling the pain of 400 years of Black slavery and exploitation. Amberly is as boring and one dimensional as ever and I’d really like to get a psychologist’s opinion if you’re reading this…whenever someone mentions her name or I think of her, I yawn. I’m not joking. Whenever I click on her thread, I yawn. Is there a link? If so, you’d think I’d light a joint every time I click on Earl’s thread, but I do that when I click on everybody’s threads, so you can never tell.

CTV knows there’s only one way to wake Canada, and VFTW, up after Amberly’s death march…one fabulous, chubby Newfie grape way, as CTV knows what’s good for them as they give VFTW choice Mark Day tonight’s pimp spot. Last week, Mark Day ascended to VFTW legendary status, and international figure too, with his instant VFTW Hall Of Fame performance of Dancing In The Streets. And even Mark knows that he needs to be a bit more serious this week as he got the biggest sign possible that you’re a joke, getting an entry on PerezHilton. But Mark perfectly understands what being a Worster is, either that or this is the all-time gift from God, as he subtlety tells us he loves us by doing Dance With My Father, the most infamous performance by one of VFTW’s all-time favorite fatties, Fafu Scott Savol. Mark’s smart and he’s giving a serious (well, pretty serious) performance this week, allowing him to stick around for many more blazingly fabulous performances to come. And while we’ll have to wait for more dancing, tonight’s about subtlety as Mark ends by giving VFTW another clear signal…crying like a chubby Newfie grape. Just in case we couldn’t tell when Jake tried to humiliate Mark last week (and Mark gave him a big middle finger with his fake crying!), he thought last week was a joke. But what’s no joke is that Zack is still in shock from Mark shaking his fabulous butt in his face as our once shy grape has now transformed into Cod Cheeks!

While Mark gave a legit performance tonight, the hatred is already in place from the tards, CTV and most of Canada. Mark attained international celebrity last week thanks to Dancing in The Streets, and VFTW. Even when he tones it down, he’s sending out subtle VFTW signals left, right and center, whether he knows it or not. While we have all of Canada against us, I’m confident the ever-growing power of VFTW, combined with Newfoundland and Chubarama, can get Mark through so he can once again dance like the Cod Cheeks he is. Meanwhile, Sebastian’s music career may be stacked upon the pile of rotten corpses paraded tonight. As long as Amberly doesn’t make the entire show, and nation, pass out and fall into that grave first.

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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