We started with thousands of fame whores, where we met moos like Vanessa Kalala and trannys like Ryan Mawla. It then got narrowed to 200 wannabes, where we met cancer whore Dan Young, while Taylor Abrahamse saw his first vagina, that of partner Pappy J. Gordon. And then we narrowed it down to 24, when Oliver Pigott went three weeks without being able to squeeze out a turd, all the while Mark Day was ripening into one of the finest Giant Grapes VFTW has ever seen. But the garbage is gradually being swept to the curb as we get to see for the first time the special ten Canadians who get to prove they belong on today’s charts by doing 90 second versions of Paul Anka and Queen songs, all while being ripped apart by the judges (and VFTW!) for the next two months.
Ben’s here and Theo Tams and Justin German can’t believe how fem he looks tonight. And they’re still laughing as Zack takes off his glasses and says I can one out-tranny Ben by having more makeup caked on his eyes than Tara Oram wore on the entire last season combined. Farley says Canada has made astute choices, but not as astute as when VFTW chose Mark Day and consolidated its awesome forces with Chubarama and Newfoundland. Ben tells us we have a new set, and hopefully they’ve learnt from the disaster last season and have reinforced the stage for all the weight our future fatty-Idols are going to gain. Bandleader Orin Isaacs has a moment to shine and instead of featuring the band by playing something cool, shows that he is just as much of a lackey as his American counterpart Rickey Minor by needlessly playing the Canadian Idol theme. Tonight is David Bowie night and we see right away why this is the perfect theme for Canadian Idol, and VFTW, as they show a segment of shim in all its tranny, dress wearing glory. But that’s tame compared to this year’s collection of males, and VFTW’s likin’ it!

Drew Wright is first and he’s from Collingwood and loves being from a small town because he gets all the attention, just like the fame whore he is. And Drew has the wisest idea for an Idol performance since Bobby Bennett did Copacabana by playing drums tonight. Karen Carpenter played drums and sang last century, but Drew’s performance has the energy of one of Karen’s performances from this century. Jake makes his first semi-intelligent comment in six seasons by saying it was a dumb idea. Farley saying Drew sat down on the job would be funny if he himself weren’t sitting on his ass the past six seasons destroying the dreams of young Canadians instead of doing ANYTHING in the music business. And Zack’s eyeliner is still atrocious.

Get ready for the bitching, complaining and excuses to begin as Adam Castelli’s next. He’s whining that he misses riding on his Harley, whining so much that CTV lets him ride onto the stage with it just so this bitch will shut up already. Adam’s doing Rebel Rebel but the only thing he’s rebelling against is singing in tune. Sass is playing Good Judge so instead of destroying Adam for his performance, she says she’s worried the bike was going to fall on his toe, which would’ve finally given him a reason to bitch as he has this year. Zack and Jake say it’s the best Adam’s done this season, but that’s like saying Sebastian is the least douchey Pigott.

CTV knows that they are going to need not one but two people who are fabulous enough to make us forget the wallowing cesspool that is Adam Castelli so Jully Black is back and naturally her first order of business is to interview VFTW pick, Mark Day. And only VFTW can bring you segments like these where this urban, hip talking woman and chubby Newfie giggling taxi rider will never be able to understand a word the other’s saying if they live to be 100 years old. Mark says he misses home, and Jully responds by yelling and jumping around. But now it’s time for VFTW to yell and jump around as we get to enjoy the fruit of our labor and see Mark in the Top 10. He’s from Port Cove, which he says is like a 50s TV show, which is going to be more like one of those corrupt game shows after VFTW’s done with it. Mark’s dad is a fisherman and is looking forward to seeing a macho performance him and his crew can be proud of, but they might as well start walking the plank as VFTW choice Mark Day has far different plans tonight. Mark has dug deep, knowing that somewhere in David Bowie’s catalogue, there’s a song that’ll truly show to VFTW that he has embraced us choosing him as our pick, and he has found that song as he’s doing Dancing In The Streets! And Mark is putting the Dancing in Dancing In The Streets as we are getting more steps, spins and points than we would get on a So You Think You Can Dance routine. The judges are having a bit of a hard time formulating their critiques, probably because they’re pissing their pants. Farley, after calling Sebastian a sex symbol last week, wonders if there’s room for two sex symbols on this show, and VFTW says NO so Sebastian will have to join his brother on the curb tomorrow night. Zack says he just swallowed his gum from that performance but it’ll be easy to puke up as Mark turns around and wiggles his chubby Newfie fanny for all of Canada to see!

For the second week in a row, Mookie Morris is cursed with the impossible task of following Mark Day. Ok, he’s off to a good start by showing him busking. But it all goes downhill when he starts mumbling something about The Man Who Sold The World. Mookie has somehow seemed decent till now but that delusion is shattered as he’s bringing as much energy as the bag of weed hidden under his mattress. Jake is still basking in the fabulousness of Mark Day’s performance and knows what Mookie needs to get it back…More dancing!

Tiffani Amberly Thiessen is next and we meet her family from Seven Persons, but who truly knows whose parents are whose in this town of polygamists. Amberly says she wasn’t really known for her singing in her hometown, and nothing has changed now that she is known nationally. And she’s committing the sin of sins by doing Space Oddity, a song associated with Jacob Hoggard, the only Idol of the tens of thousands who’ve tried out on this show over the seasons who both VFTW and CTV love. And Amberly’s like anesthetic…it takes all of us different doses to fall asleep. It took me only one dose as she put me to sleep after her first performances. Some of the judges, and delusional fans, were definitely beginning to slur their words and get heavy eyes after her third performance last week. But everyone has a breaking point as four doses of Amberly is guaranteed to put the entire nation to sleep.

Sebastian Pigott is next and he says he likes being from a small place, where there are far fewer people laughing at how awful he is. Sebastian’s trying to get some precious screen time but once again his brother Oliver sabotages him by taking up the entire screen with his eyebrows. And while hideous eyebrows may be hereditary, brains aren’t as Sebastian’s mother is a doctor. He’s doing a bizarre version of Let’s Spend The Night Together but what does it matter, as every song by him is, has been and always will be just 90 seconds of mumbling, whispering and spazzing, never even attempting to sing one single note. And his guitar playing is on par with his singing as he’s playing notes the World never knew existed. Farley says he messed up the song. Sebastian wonders if it was the arrangement. Farley says it was everything. Zack is talking about himself as he says that Sebastian has been able to fool some people some of the time, but you can’t fool ‘em all the time, not even the biggest buffoon like Zack.

Just as we needed the fabulousness of Mark Day to make us forget the vileness of Adam Castelli, we now need something special to wash the disgusting Pigott taste out of our mouths. And here comes Superman to the rescue, but it’s a Canadian version in the form of a backhoe stoner snowboarder, Earl Stevenson. Earl says Uhh, it’s been a buzz, man, uh, my dog’s wearing a Vote For Earl shirt man, uhhhhh, skateboarding! Earl’s doing Rock N’ Roll Suicide and he’s like a stoned snowboarder, but falling off a cliff…and loving it! Earl’s letting 'er rip as he’s completely letting go, giving us a completely showy performance complete with fedora, drunken phrasing, dancing and spins. And Zack says what we’re all thinking as he describes that performance as Frank Sinatra on a skateboard SMOKING WEED!

Katherine St. Laurent is next. She’s from Quebec but she might as well be from Pluto with the pathetic turnout she has gotten. She and her friends are like all other teenage girls…they like to get together and try on clothes and jewelry, followed by taking pictures of each other sitting on toilets and making out with each other. She’s doing Cat People and she’s getting the cat part with all the screaming and hissing, except that this is supposed to be a song. It’s the same thing with Katherine every week…she shows one or two flashes indicating she could be a star, but then hundreds of other flashes that there’s still lots of work to do. But not before the judges give her a tongue licking whose residue will remain long after she’s booted from this show.

While Katherine may be a star one day, it’s time to move on to someone who is one right now…the TRUE star of Canadian Idol, CI Tranny Hairdresser! Adam gets to bitch away while Justin rubs goo in his hair. Theo’s blabbing instead of taking the opportunity to ask what it’s like to be a tranny in the limelight. And Amberly, being the sole girl of age of consent in the house, will be seeing Justin on a regular basis to get her hair washed and detangled. Earl is still a few hours away from realizing Uhhh, wow, I just had a tranny rubbing his hands through my hair. Far out!

But not all trannys are <3 as we shift from the sublimely fabulous back to the sublimely boring Theo Tams. He says his family has his back…fill in your own joke here. Theo took my advice last week and got his fat ass away from the piano, where we saw his backfat hanging off the piano stool, but he’s back on it now and he’s paying the price as CTV now has a camera permanently fixed behind to capture every jiggle of his backfat. He was sitting when he played guitar last week and he was obviously sitting for all three piano performances, meaning that this lazy fatso has gone a month without standing up to sing a single note. But the judges don’t care if he balloons to 1000 pounds as they lick him as hard as this fatty’s going to lick everyone’s dinner plate back at the mansion tonight.

Last, and probably least, is Mitch Macdonald. He’s from Cape Breton where, based on what we are seeing, everyone lives in a shack. Mitch used to be a carpenter and had some sort of accident that makes him sing like a whiny bitch. He’s continuing doing obscure songs but all of his voters are so drunk right about now that they wouldn’t recognize Oh Canada. Sass doesn’t care about all the missed notes…she wants sex NOW!

Just in case we forgot how much the show sucked, it’s time for the Recrap and yup, it sucked all right. There is no more delusion that this show can produce stars (or ratings). It’s now let’s get this over with so I can go back to busking. But one thing this show continues to produce is VFTW gold, as every week Mark Day takes a step up the VFTW ladder by giving us a performance more fabulous than the one before it. Alone showed us his tranny qualities. His second performance introduced the dancing. His choices of Against All Odds and tonight's Dancetastic version of Dancing In the Streets scream VFTW louder than if Canadian Idol judge Zack Werner took a picture with a sign saying Deb Loves Zack! The judges and CTV pushed Mark off the ledge weeks ago but VFTW and Chubarama have caught him, and he’s thanked us by exploding into a giant Newfie Grape guaranteeing us performances that will never disappoint!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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