It’s Canada Day and we’re back to celebrate in true VFTW-style with ten of the worst Canada has to offer. Ben tells us that after tonight it’s Canada who’ll be deciding who will be staying and who’ll be going, and VFTW’s decided that Mark Day will be staying as we poured all of our mighty, and sometimes scary, resources behind him last night. So VFTW can sit back and relax and fully wallow in the train wreck that is Canadian Idol. But it’s the Idols who’ll be wallowing as tonight’s theme is Pathetic Sob Stories as each Idol tries to win our votes by telling us of some childhood deformity or dragging a dead relative’s corpse up onto the stage.

Adam Castelli’s first and he’s a history major, so he surely knows the history of all the flops who’ve won this show. And speaking of Idols who’ve royally flopped, Adam’s tapping into Blake Lewis with his White-ified version of a Wycleff Jean song. Jake thinks it’s a great song, except to sing. Adam says he’s trying to get through to his fans with his music but the only thing performances like this is going to get him through is the door as Canada kicks his bitchy ass off this show.

And they’re going to have to widen that door as Jessica Sheppard’s next. Ben asks her what’s the best advice VFTW’s favorite stage mother has ever given her, and Jessica says Make sure you empty your stomach before your daughter humiliates herself on national television. And it’s time for the sob stories as Jessica tells us that she was born with the grotesque physical deformity of having only one ear, but Jessica’s the lucky one as she has to hear her screeching and melisma only half as much as us. She says she was picked on as a kid and that should prepare her well for the treatment VFTW’s going to give over the next few weeks. And after the judges complained last week that Jessica didn’t bring enough screeching and melisma, she’s bringing more than enough tonight to her performance of Umbrella that’ll have the entire nation spewing vomit from Newfoundland all the way to BC.

Which is a shame for there will be none left for Jesse Cottam. Jesse one ups Jessica’s physical freak story by dragging his dead Uncle Rocky into the cesspool that is Canadian Idol. And while I’m sorry for Rocky, every cloud has its silver lining as at least he doesn’t have to hear his nephew’s version of Iris which smells like a rotting corpse. I’ve always said Jesse wants to be a Goo Goo Doll. While the hair is feathered just right, it’ll be some time until his face is sunken enough like Johnny Reznik. But while the cracks and sags will come, one thing that never will is anything resembling a voice as Zack says Jesse sang maybe one right note, which is still one more than Rex Goudie and Sanjaya combined.

Time to cram two boring contestants into one entry as Theo Tams and Katelyn Dawn are next and there’s no turning back for Theo after his coming out last week as he’s bringing all the fabulousness from the other day’s Toronto Rainbow Parade into his interview, look and performance. Theo’s learnt from last year’s obese Idol cast and is again hiding his pot belly and boobies behind a piano but he’ll get pit stains the size of pancakes when he watches the playback on TV and sees his back fat and huge ass hanging off the piano stool. Katelyn’s next and she says she’s doing a song which reminds her of her youth, She talks To Angels, about a suicidal junkie whore. The judges say she needs to bring more pain. Ben asks how she can get the pain, and I’d suggest having a look at what VFTW is saying about her. Katelyn said she was lonely as a kid but at least she’ll have company tomorrow night when she’s standing in the middle of he stage.

While all these fame whores will be out of our minds in a few weeks (and in the case of Oliver Pigott, hopefully in a few hours), it’s time for someone whose star will flame eternal as it’s time for a segment with the TRUE star of Canadian Idol, the CI Tranny Hairdresser! And we see exactly why Canadian Idol is 10 billion times better than American Idol as CI tranny hairdresser is doing Theo Tams’ hair! Jessica’s next into the Salon Of Love and Justin tells her he can improve upon her homemade dye job by puking on it. And it’s a VFTW match made in heaven as Mark Day is giggling with VFTW’s favorite hairdresser.

Back to the sobbing nobodies as Mitch Macdonald’s next. And he thinks he has something even better than dragging a dead relative onto the stage by dragging his collapsed lung with him instead. And who knew that losing a lung makes you sing like an whiny bitch as I’m willing to give a lung if he’d stop his version of Jason Mraz’ I’m Yours. Katherine St. Laurent doesn’t need a sob story as we’re all witnessing the most evil thing ever done to her as Ben continues to sabotage her chances by French-frying her name as Kathrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeen Saaaaaaan Larrrrrrrrrrrreennnnnnnn. And Katharine shows that school’s a terrible thing as she’s completely lost her accent and has none of the charm of Montana Martin Iles. Katherine’s doing First Cut Is The Deepest but not as deep as when she starts more off key than anyone since Sanjaya did You Really Got Me. Katherine’s a good girl but far from ready for prime time, so instead let’s use this blog space to learn some important French words Worsters need to learn to fully enjoy Canadian Idol…

T’es Poche=You Suck!

Ferme ta guelle=Shut the fuck up

Salut, Katherine=Goodbye, Katherine

Omar Lunan’s next…next to come out as we see him giving the gay massage, and loving it. Omar has a 2-year-old kid and loves him so much he’s deserted him for six months in a desperate attempt to get some attention. Omar’s doing Ain’t No sunshine and it’s like watching a master chef bake a VFTW cake…4 cups screaming, 2 cups melisma, 5 tablespoons of missed notes and falshitto to taste.

And if Omar bakes the VFTW cake, Earl Stevenson takes it as he’s ready to step up for all those who think he didn’t bring enough VFTW love last week. Earl tells us he likes bands as stoned as he is, all while trying to control his leg from twitching off of his body. Earl tells us he snowboards, which is neatly packaged with some fake stock footage from CTV’s vault. And Earl’s performance tonight of Something To Talk About is going to be placed in VFTW’s vault, right next to Sanjaya’s, as Earl brings all the twitches, spazzing and general goofiness of Tyler Mullendore’s and Kevin Covais’ lovechild. And Zack’s still reading VFTW as after calling all the contestants plants last night and always egging on the worst contestants, tonight laughs at the show once more when he asks Earl Where’s your pathetic sob story?

This has been VFTW’s favorite Canada Day ever but that all comes to a revolting, vile halt as it’s time for Oliver Pigott. And just as American Idol had to eventually acknowledge VFTW, it’s time for CTV to submit as Ben and Oliver are spinning last week’s VFTW Hall Of Fame performance. But Oliver can sink even lower as he drags his dead dad into the picture in a desperate attempt to save his ass. Oliver is doing Sorry and I’m almost sorry I’m not one of these poor dead victims that’s been exploited on tonight’s show so at least I wouldn’t have to watch this, and especially so I wouldn’t have to see the judges give Oliver the most lavish tongue licking ever.

While having to write a blog about ten pieces is toast is never easy, I’m energized knowing that tomorrow’s blog will be about four more people’s dreams being crushed. Adam may finally have reason to bitch after tomorrow’s show after bitching non stop the entire season. Katherine, Salut, Bonjour, Au Revoir, call me when you turn eighteen. But VFTW still has plenty of trash to shove out of the way to give Mark Day a clear path to being the next Canadian Idol, which will become the New Canada Day as all Worsters, Chubbies and Newfies will celebrate having joined forces and pulling off the Greatest VFTW Victory EVER!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

If you have anything to say, leave a comment, unless it's that this entry is offensive...It's only a reflection of what the show did tonight.

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