American Idol 7 Crowns It’s Champion. Hooray.

Tonight the two Davids share the stage with all the other Idol losers one last time... before 3 months of Idol stage tour concerts. If Boxing Night didn’t kill off their dignity tonight sure did. It was a night of bad singing, bad dancing, and bad product plugging. It was gloriously horrible and tacky, and it was also pretty freaking entertaining. Either that or the half-quart of Red Bull and Night Train did it's job.

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So much to talk about... I think I’ll do it in my popular Random Thoughts stream of consciousness style which is heavy on punchlines, but light on filler.

-- Kansas City-people are so bored that they’ll turn out to random events in the middle of the day to watch TV. And one dude was dressed as a bowling pin. Not much to do on Wednesdays, I’m guessing.

-- Hey it’s the first of a bazillion Idol group sing-alongs. The key to staying entertained is just keep an eye on Archuleta as he stumbles around the stage in a pathetic approximation of dancing. Damn, I wish I thought of that the last 10 weeks. That was awesomely bad. I don’t even remember what they sang. Don’t care. It was funny.

-- In the first production blunder, a running theme of the evening ,David Cook is suddenly singing, with no introduction.

-- David and David duet on Chad “Nickelback” Kroeger’s “Hero” from the movie “Spider-Man”, see I’m not the only one who thinks Cook’s future is singing action movie theme songs. This song is so cliche’d and schmaltzy that it would’ve easily won the rigged Idol Song Contest. Get a load of these lyrics.

I am so high, I can hear heaven.
I am so high, I can hear heaven.
Oh but heaven, no heaven don't hear me.

And they say that a hero can save us.
I'm not gonna stand here and wait.
I'll hold on to the wings of the eagles.
Watch as we all fly away.

And also: Now that the world isn't ending, it's love that I'm sending to you.

Whoa, dude. Like surreal. So bad. I’m pretty sure Diane Warren must’ve wrote this.

--Also, we have incontrovertible proof that Archuleta can’t harmonize worth a damn.
-- A terribly unfunny sketch with Mike Myers that’s paid programming for “The Love Guru” and the endless back-slide that is Mike Myers’ career.

-- I’d say that on the shameless whoring scale Jim Carrey’s earlier Idol appearance dressed as a freaking elephant slightly trumps Myers.

-- Syesha butchers a Seal duet. It’s so uncomfortable and awkward, it’s as if they never practiced together before tonight. Oh, right, because they didn’t.

-- I think the Katharine McPhee and Meatloaf duet from Season 5 Finals is still the worst Famous Singer/Non-famous Idol duet, however. Nothing can top that for sheer awful tunelessness.

-- Jason Castro rocks “Halleluiah” again. If he sang every week with that poise and passion he could’ve won this show. It almost makes up for his Final 4 face-plant.

-- We get a half-assed Ford commercial made out of out-takes from the other Ford commercials. I think this crossed the threshold from Product Placement and entered the realm of Craven Whoring.

-- Another hysterical group-sing on a Donna Summer medley. I had every intention of fast-forwarding through these things, but they are hilarious. This one features Brooke White staggering around with a crooked arm like Bride of Frankenstein. That’ll give me nightmares. What is it with the Mormons and their complete inability to dance?

-- This medley gets bonus points for Ryan attempting to breakdance, and Amanda Overmyer giving absolutely no effort in any of these things. That’s awesome. And I got tickets to see her perform live this weekend. YES!!!

-- Syesha manages to ruin this song too. Donna Summer sounded great on “Last Dance”, but she has been singing this song for 30 years.

-- More shameless whoring for Carly and Michael Johns. Seriously, have two people gotten more screen-time to less effect than these two this season? America hates the both of you, please get off my TV. Actually their duet on “The Letter” is unintentionally funny. What with Michael Johns doing his own Muppet dancing and then Michael and Carly trying to out-shriek each other at the end. See, my idea for an Idols Duet Week is solid gold. That was awesomely bad.

-- Jimmy Kimmel comes out with his non-jokes and insults everyone on the show. Kimmel is correct when he calls this show “19 weeks of karaoke singing.” Then Ryan feels the need to outdo Kimmel with his even lamer comebacks. Ryan should be a guest star on “Last Comic Standing.” He’s so unfunny that he becomes funny. That would almost make me watch that show.

-- The dudes get together for a group man-love song to Brian Adams’ “Summer of ‘69.” I love the choreography where someone told them “okay, now you all get together and hug like you’re buddies... And now run up the stairs.”

-- Hey Brian Adams has a new album coming out. Doesn’t he just keep releasing the same album with a different CD cover each time?

-- My notes say “the dancing cracks me up” but I don’t know what that was supposed to refer to. Probably Archuleta, again. He’s so funny.

-- Hey more product whoring for Disneyland with Jordan Sparks.

-- Cook sings with ZZ Top. It wasn’t outstanding, but it was pretty good. He needs to work on the beard though, I don’t care what Guru Pitka says about his facial hair.

-- Brooke White sings a duet with Graham Nash... “Teach The Children Well.” {Yawns} They should’ve done that song first and THEN the ZZ Top number to wake everyone up from their sugar-coated stupor.

-- It’s The Jonas Brothers, AKA Hanson 2008. Hey, is that Adrian Zmed on guitar?

-- Ryan shows his insatiable desire to hang out with old people. This time it’s some white-haired lady named Pat who tightly clutches her handbag while on-stage. That was, um, interesting.

-- And it’s time for American Idol’s favorite Past-time: Insult the Slow People. We get the patented Idol Montage of Crappy Singing by delusional non-talents. At least we don’t have to suffer through the humiliating “Awards for Sucking” like in past seasons.

-- Hey Look, it’s “Together We’re Brothers” guy with the USC marching band and cheerleaders. And 30 seconds of that is more than enough as I fast-forward.

-- Archuleta gets to sing a weepy ballad with some group called One Republic. Their song sounds like Coldplay For Christ. Not-Chris Martin the piano dude shows up Archuleta on vocals. See, competitive duets would RULE!

-- Jordan Sparks sings a boring Mariah Carey-imitation song, wearing a heinous gold dress. Good to hear that her vocal chord rupture is okay now. Way to go Jordon. <Fast-Forwarding>

-- Carrie Underwood singing her slutty song “Last Name” while wearing only a white suit jacket and a weird scarf-shawl that makes walking on her high heels precarious. Let’s call it a Sharf. This song is no great shakes, but Carrie is singing the crap out of it and commanding the stage like never before. This is what happens after years of on-stage experience. Carrie’s stage presence and poise are terrific. A nice, skanky performance from “Jesus Take The Wheel” girl. Who knew she had it in her?

-- More Product Whoring -- Hey, that's not fair having David Archuleta in a "Rock Guitar Hero-Star" commercial aping Tom Cruise’s skivvy dance from “Risky Business.” Gaspy’s never seen “Risky Business.” I have a sudden urge NOT to buy Guitar Hero.

-- Okay, these group-sing medleys are getting kind of tired, now. Here’s another one featuring George Michael tunes being ruined by the Idol All-Stars. Another thing we’ve learned tonight is that Amanda Overmyer and George Michael songs do not go together. In the dancing part Amanda isn’t even lifting her feet up. That’s pretty funny, actually. And Archuleta can’t even do minimal dance steps. Like “left foot then right foot” is tricking him up.

-- George Michael comes out and Paula starts frothing at the mouth and practically leaps over the table to get at him. Um, Paula he’s uh... never mind. George Michael shows everyone how to REALLY Diva it up on “Praying For Time” with his over-emoting, his facial contortions, show-off vocal leaps and that sticking his finger in his ear thingie to hit the high notes. I was hoping George would sing his horny Sci-Fi, Domination, Cyborg song. It's kind of catchy.

-- Ooh, 3 minutes to 10:00 and they’re about to name the winner. At this point my cat, Booger takes a foul-smelling dump that I am instructed to clean up immediately. I tell my wife to keep the show running as I’ll have more then enough time to scoop the poop, take it out to the trash, stop for a chat with the neighbors, brew some coffee and finish Grand Theft Auto IV before Seacrest announces who won this damn show.

-- Simon backtracks from all the mean things he said about David Cook last night (no doubt because he got a gander at who really won, and he wants to brown-nose his American Idol.) I have no such feelings of remorse. I still think Cook tried to tank it last night.

-- David Cook is declared the winner, FINALLY. And his prize... to sing the Rigged Songwriting Competition Wet Turd Song to kill what was left of his precious “Rocker” Street Cred. It’s called “Time of My Life” and it sucks horribly and features the words “Magic Rainbow” at one point. I didn’t really listen to the song as I was busy watching the entire group of Idols follow David around the stage to bask in his Post-win after-glow.

-- David cries. His brother cries. He looks genuinely happy. I give David my whole-hearted congratulations on a well-played, well-sung season. He truly deserved to win. He was the most consistently solid performer all season. His “creative” side trips kept the show interesting. And he really impressed me when he sang “Music of the Night” from Phantom. You can tell he’s a good singer because he somehow manages to sell this dreck song as if he really likes it. I wish him the best of luck in his future career and I sincerely hope he breaks all of Daughtry’s album sales marks.

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I’d like to thank all you Worsters for another wonderful Idol season. This finale was cheesy and awful and it moved quickly, so it was pretty entertaining. And the Idol Winner song doesn’t suck nearly as bad as “This Is My Now.” Either that or Cook is more talented than we ever could imagine.

--Class is dismissed for the Summer.

Best wishes,

--Chan

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