Idols 7: Not Up To The "Glitter" Standard of Badness... Sadly.
Going in, Mariah Carey week promised VFTW-Championship level bad performances. We’re talking all time crapitude. There was no way the shrieking diva, who has her own personal fight with painkillers and sanity and good taste could make a boring episode. This was going to be an all-time bad show of Idol. How could it be anything less than astounding? Oh, right, THESE are our Idols.
Man, these people can even make the potentially hilarious Mariah Melisma Spectacular as flavorless as oatmeal. Band, lumpy, COLD oatmeal. These people combined don’t match the charisma of the personality-challenged Brian Dunkelman. When bland, self-important bore Michael Johns is credited with being the life of their party these people are REALLY BORING. I mean, the lives of goldfish have moments of fascination that could make these stiffs weep. These people reach awesome levels of mediocrity, and I think we should honor them for their musical anhedonia.
My main gripe with this season is how most of these Finalists don’t seem to be trying to win this damn show. They are content to play it safe and try NOT to be eliminated. There haven’t been any astonishing performances like there have been in previous seasons.
Nobody is taking musical risks, instead they’re going for the mildest, least interesting song choices. Daughtry showed how a 4th place finish could lead to fame and fortune if you’re a big enough musical hack. In fact it seems like these finalists are taking inspiration from Daughtry’s post-Idol Olympic levels of mediocrity. My ratings this week will reflect how hard these people are trying to entertain me.
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David Archuleta
Song: “When You Believe”
Notes: David calls meeting Mariah Carey “scary.” Dude, it’s only scary if you get between Carey and her diet pills. Dave earnestly sings an earnest ballad earnestly with little physical movement and his gasping mostly under control.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: Dave sports brown leather pants, attempts and whiffs on his falsetto because Carey said it would be okay (remember, this from the woman that thought “Glitter” was a good idea.) Never ends the song, instead singing “Just beleee….” With a serious face. Unintentional humor bonus points when Simon suggests “There won’t be a lot of laughs tonight.” David’s insightful response: “Wha--?”
GRADE: C – The Archulater brings the usual moist puppy-dog eyes and Save The World Ballad. Snoozeville.
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Carly Smithson
Song: “Without You”
Notes: Carly sings one of Mariah’s most overwrought ballads. Nilsson’s original is sung tongue in cheek and is one of the gloopiest, intentionally over-the-top ballads ever. Mariah’s is deadly serious. Carly’s is deadly, DEADLY SERIOUS, with extra helpings of death and seriousness. Also Carly is out of tune several times.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: Carly wisely discards the recognizable melody, which is good for a laugh as she gets lost in the middle of the song. Other than that, no power-squats or shrieking. Unintentional humor bonus points when Carly admits in interview that Michael Johns was the joker of the bunch and everyone else is boring and not funny. Yep, honest assessment there, Carly. She tries to laugh it off like she was joking. Nobody got it.
GRADE: D – When Carly is out-sung by Brooke White, Jason Castro AND Kristy Lee Cooke it’s time for her to go home.
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Syesha Mercado
Song: “Fantasy” "Vanishing"... Damn, I was right the first time.
Notes: Syesha also abandons the melody and just launches into Mariah Carey-esque shrieks, trills and squawks. It’s a vocal gymnastic exposition, which is what Dr. Chan prescribed for the evening. Not saying that she was any good, just that I was hoping for more of this from tonight’s show.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: Well, she did that vocal gymnastics thing. And she put glitter in her Selma from the Simpsons Fro. So, um, yeah. Unintentional humor bonus points when Simon repeatedly tempers his positive review with “All things considered.”
GRADE: C – Paula calls the performance “magical”, but I call it “pedestrian.”
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Brooke White
Song: “Hero” (thankfully stealing the song away from Archuleta, too bad Mariah has SEVERAL “Up With People” ballads.)
Notes: Brooke does her Tori Amos-lite piano playing and breathy singing. It’s not quite out of tune, just not very pleasing. Also there is no melody to speak of, and Brooke whiffs on a couple notes.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: Paula says Brooke “Did it her way.” Brooke’s way being tentative, tuneless and thoroughly bland. So in no way did it Entertain Chan. And furthermore it sparked BurgerGate 2008, where Simon’s attempt at comedy, calling Brooke’s performance “A hamburger that’s all bun” leads to a serious argument from Randy and Paula about the nature of hamburgers, and whether Brooke’s comes with pickles and relish. Seriously.
GRADE: FAIL – Plans for the Brooke White in the Final Four campaign are temporarily put on hold pending further voting.
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Kristy Lee Cooke
Song: “Forever”
Notes: Mariah tells Kristy that she “delivered it well” and that her singing gave her goose bumps. But then intense philosophical discussions between Mariah’s multiple personalities #2 and #5 gives her goose bumps as well. Oh, and I already forgot that Kristy sang. She was thoroughly mediocre. Not horrible, as a true VFTW champion would be. Unless she sung one of Carey’s multitude of Songs About Boning, or one of her cheesiest dance numbers, (come on, who wanted to see Kristy take a crack at “Honey”?) she’s letting us down.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: After Kristy relives one of her great professional moments, “Giving Mariah Carey Goosebumps”, Simon takes her down a peg, saying he wasn’t impressed. Kristy’s look of disgust is palpable. She did NOT look happy. Simon can’t let other people have moments of professional awesomeness while on HIS watch. Unintentional Humor bonus points when Paula blathers about “Mariah Carey’s legacy” as if she passed away. Paula is extra high tonight.
GRADE: D – Middle of the pack will keep Kristy on the show, but I’m done with her as my Idol. I’m voting for Castro, you can join me in a couple weeks after Kristy goes home.
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David Cook
Song: “Always Be My Baby”
Notes: David does his Daughtry/Nickelback/Fuel version of a Mariah Carey song. Only it’s half an octave too low for him and his mush mouthed delivery renders every song he sings indecipherable. However, David made a Mariah Carey song interesting, so tally-ho for that. Randy gives David a standing ovation, but he’s clearly high from Paula fumes.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: David gets into the spirit of Mariah Carey night with long, pointlessly held notes, and tries to set an Idol record for note sustain. In fact the second half of his song is just one long held note with Idol Trademark swooping camera. Unintentional Humor bonus points for when David figures he’s rocked the song and he can barely contain his own awesomeness pouring out of him.
GRADE: C – Paula says “It sounds like a movie soundtrack.” Yeah, like something Aerosmith would sing about a giant asteroid approaching.
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Jason Castro
Song: “I Don’t Want To Cry”
Notes: A surprisingly good Mariah Carey interpretation. Jason’s vocals sound more assured than last week, and I can actually see Jason’s career looming in front of us. The only sensible thing Paula says all evening is that she can imagine this on a Jason Castro album. I can too, and I will enjoy listening to that album, with the usual caveat that if the Nigels or Simons have anything to do with it, it will be a steaming pile of crap.
Ways of Entertaining Chan: Singing a song well. Making me want to hear a Jason Castro album. These are good things. Unintentional Humor bonus points when Randy tries to crack a Simon-style hyperbole joke and says this sounds like a performance from a Hawaiian luau. Now we REALLY know he’s drowning in Paula fumes. What the hell does that even mean? Maybe Randy was just pissed off he didn’t get to use it Idol Gives Back week when Jason played the ukulele.
GRADE: A – Come and join me on the Jason Castro train, friends. Toot! Toot!
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Okay, so one good performance. No terrible one, just a lot of really boring ones. I’d blame Mariah Carey penned songs except that I’ve witnessed this same painfully boring crap the past couple weeks, so I’m guessing it’s “The Most Talented Top 7 Ever” who are at fault.
--Chan
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Great recap as usual. But you didn't mention how Jason was on a power-stool again, even though he wasn't playing any instrument this week. Is the kid just too stoned to walk around at all?
Chan, I think this is your best yet.
And dude, I'm the conductor of that motherfucking train. Jason is WAYYYYY more anti-Idol than Kristy and despite her strategic, brilliant tactics to outlast her competitors, it's Jason whom I feel we should support. He's kind of like a male Amanda...he's awesome, laid-back, not terribly concerned with the results one way or the other. I think he finds all of this overdramatic Idol drama a bit ridiculous and those dreads scare off little tweentards. And that's why I love the little stoner.
I almost hope Kristy bites the dust this week (but I feel it will be next week during Broadway week), because she's abandoned her redneck persona and is aiming for the "sweet girl next door"-vibe...and you can sense her desire to win. She's awesome for getting rid of the eucalyptus-eating kangaroo bastard. But I've had enough.
Still...t'would be cool if she causes one of the other cunts to flee. DialIdol says she's safe. Oh, boy.
__________________________"Here Comes The Suck...dodododo." - Skeletor in White Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest.
I enjoyed Randy telling David Cook that he was ready to make an album. He already has (Analog Heart )!
This pretending that none of the contestants have recorded anything before and that Cook's arrangements are all completely original is extremely irritating. The show is getting to be more about pimping failed singers' careers than about helping somebody get a chance they might not normally have.
Jason and The Stool of Sincerity! Love it!
Isn't it usually on the "down to seven" elimination show where they make one person chose which group of three they want to join? Wonder if they'll repeat that gimmick again.
Anybody can make an album, but the quality of the album depends on how much money you have and how good of a studio/engineer you can afford. My husband is a bass player and has been in a few bands that played regional gigs and has made 2 different albums in a small studio in Lawrence, KS. And just because a singer or band can afford to record in a studio does not mean that they have a contract or even a manager. Anybody can record any crap they want at any studio if they have the cash to do it, so the fact that Cook has made an album means absolutely nothing. Carly, on the other hand, is a whole other story!!!
I'm buying a ticket on the Stoner Train to Doobieville!!
Jason was awesome, and he is so far away from what they are looking for in an American Idol I think we should abandon the KKKristy ship and all ride the train!
BONG BONG!!!
ALL ABOARD!!
__________________________"Shave off your beard and wear a dress. You would be a great female impersonator." -Simon Cowell
Rather startled that nothing was said about David Cook's desperately ill brother seated directly behind the judges. Local interviews made much of how the brother's last wishes included traveling to Hollywood to attend AI-7 and hear David sing something by Depeche Mode.
On Mariah week.
Really.
Any one else notice the "Hello Kitty" band-aid on Mariah's right hand?
Syesha sung the song "Vanishing", which is a little known song from Mariah's first album - long before Mariah's other songs became drivel.
I give Syesha some credit for picking a halfway decent song. She didn't butcher it that bad.
You crack me up Chan!!
For me, everyone was so boring. I found myself flipping through a magazine and fast forwarding through most of it. Thank God for my TiFaux!
I did watch the entire performances of David Cook and Jason Castro. David Cook was awful IMO and I hated his rendition of that song. Jason was the best of the night. I like his mellowness. Kristy wasn't too bad either in a VFTW kind of way!!
My hands are voting for Kristy but they really want to vote for Jason!
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