Grading The Idols' Albums - Bo Bice
Welcome back class to our never-ending journey where we suffer through the painful sub-mediocrity which is the American Idol produced albums.
This week Bo Bice comes to party it down and put us to sleep with his special blend of easy listening, vanilla pop-country-rock. Unfortunately Freech is too busy making his own music so Kyle and I have to take turns listening while the other falls asleep. Warning to newcomers: Listening to Idol albums is like a really long road trip, you need to bring a friend along so that if you fall asleep at the wheel your buddy can poke you with a stick to keep you awake.
Title: The Real Thing
Genre: Country-Rock… Allegedly.
Best Song: The “hit” single “The Real Thing” or “You Make Me Better” which has a decent guitar hook and almost achieves okay song-osity.
Professor Chan: For those who weren’t born in 2005 Bo Bice was the “rocker” who nearly won Idol but was soundly thumped by the Farmbot Carrie Underwood in the Finals. Two years later Carrie has won several Grammy’s and sold over 4 million albums. And Bo Bice uh, drank a lot of beer and belched out this album.
Kyle: I guess America got it right that time.
Professor Chan: I liked Bo Bice. He was the first guy to come on Idol, show some attitude and sing songs from albums that I own. And so two years later, yeah, he’s still the only one that sang songs from albums that I own.
Kyle: Now he’s making animal balloons and working the funnel cake machine at the finer State Fairs near you. So sad.
Professor Chan: Let’s have a moment of silence for Bo Bice’ singing career…
Kyle: Okay, that’s enough. Let’s get this over with so I can watch some basketball playoffs.
Professor Chan: As usual you can follow along with us by doing a search for Bo Bice and each song on youtube… or if you’re squeamish, going to the album on Amazon and listening to just the first 30 seconds of each song. It’s safer that way.
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1. The Real Thing
Sample Lyrics: “Every word I say, I mean it, Every single day, I feel itBut sometimes when you talk, It's obvious you want to show it
So don't blow it.”
PC: Yep, this already sucks.
Kyle: Remarkable, it’s the first Idol album that sounds 100% organic. (Rolls his eyes) This almost sounds like pop-country.
PC: It’s supposed to be Country-Rock. That was Bo’s officially AI sanctioned genre that he was allowed to be “original” in.
Kyle: Hold on, this an American Idol production, isn’t it? I can totally tell.
PC: What, you mean the trite lyrics to a whiny song about a fictional love affair that sounds like a left-over from an Ashley Simpson or Duff sister’s album?
Kyle: They get to the hooky chorus pretty quickly. Why mess around with verses that will just suck anyways. But I like the guitar fills. That’s something new for an Idol album. An attempt at musicality.
PC: I actually heard this song on the radio today. I was in a hair salon.
Kyle: Oh, so THAT’s what this music is for. Something generic and forgettable to tap your toes to while waiting for your “stylist” to finish sweeping up hair so you can get your $8 choice of trimmer settings. I personally take a 3.
PC: Hey man, I got a good haircut. No Supercuts for me… this time.
Kyle: There’s nothing “rock” about this song. When Bo says it’s “The Real Thing” he’s lying. This is MOR pop right here.
PC: Yeah, but this isn’t pop. It’s plop.
2. You’re Everything
Sample Lyrics: I'll open every car door, I won't go out any moreI'll even eat off the floor, God, I'd do anything at all” PC: Yep, he’s whipped. Kyle: He’s trying to rhyme ‘ever’, ‘together’ and ‘better’. He’s rhyme happy. PC: But he’ll be there to “catch you when you fall”. (Sarcasm) man I’ve never heard that in a song before. Kyle: And he’s going to “be there until eternity ends.” He’ll be waiting a long time. PC: But he’ll “Sleep in the rain.” He tried to slip that one in there to show his dude fans that he hasn’t sold out and that he’s still macho after all. Kyle: Man, anyone could be singing this song. This just proves my point that Idol has a big, fat hard drive of these crappy wannabe love ballads, and whenever they make one of these albums they just whip out a handful and force the Idol to sing them.
Oh, just take me home with you tonight.” That’s the only way we can read this thing so that it’s not a wussified, ‘take my nuts, I won’t miss them’ love song.
I could learn to live without you, While that's a lie.” PC: Hey, what do you know, it’s another fake break-up song and Bo’s whining about the girl that left him. It’s so saccharine it’s like chugging a bottle of syrup.Kyle: This is painfully basic song structure. It’s assembly line music. PC: This is yet another totally generic song that sounds like 15 or 20 other plop ballads. I hear a strong “Right Here Waiting for You” influence.
5. My World
Sample Lyrics: “Tell me does he make you high? Does he make you real?Does he make you cry? Does he know the way you feel?
Love is all around you, Your universe is full, But in my world, There is only you
Yeah, there is only you.” PC: Hey it’s an almost country song. Kyle: Bo-rrrrrrrring.PC: Ooh, hey it’s our friend Electro-strings. Nothing shouts manliness like electronic strings. Kyle: Maybe in addition to sponsoring the show Ford also mass-produces these shitty, droning ballads.
6. Remember Me
Sample Lyrics: “So this is love, It feels like agonyI want you here 'cause the thought of you with someone else is hell on earth.” Kyle: Jeez, would you grow a pair, Bo? PC: Hey it’s another generic almost-country song. Kyle: Man, is this dreary.PC: This is the SAME DAMN SONG as the last one. Everything’s identical, same tempo, same chords, same bitch-whining that his woman left him and he can’t live without her.
It’s closer than you let yourself believe --Whoa-oh” Kyle: Damn impressive Warriors game. You think they can beat the Mavericks?PC: That game was awesome wasn’t it? Nelson is already inside their heads. Kyle: Baron was on fire. He had 33 points, like 15 rebounds and 8 assists. He got to the hoop at will.PC: I love the “He built the team so he knows how to destroy it” subplot. I’m like every remaining Warriors fan… a total optimist. I’m calling Championships baby.Kyle: Oh, hey. Is the song over?
You can always count on me- Oh, I forgot , C’mon baby just believe.” Kyle: “I’m out of cash.” This is the closest to country Bo’s gotten all album.PC: The song is about bumming cigs off some honky-tonk bar-skank. Kyle: I’ll give it to Bo, this album may suck donkey balls, but it’s better than Daughtry’s 4:1 ballads to rockers ratio. PC: I kind of like this… Okay no I don’t. It gets crappy towards the end. Kyle: This album is more dynamic than Taylor or Elliott’s album. PC: Yeah. They’re lousy songs but you can tell when the last one ended most of the time. He’s going slow song, fast song, slow song. So something is changing.Kyle: But not the emotional dynamics. Bo’s still a whiny bitch.
But I know where it is I come from, And it makes me feel complete.” Kyle: Aaargh! Electronic drums. Fie on electronic drums.PC: Didn’t Bonjovi have a song exactly like this one?Kyle: I want to strangle these AI producers with their own ponytails.PC: “It’s My Life.” I bet Bo’s life right now involves the Bice clan hunkered around the TV watching Nash Bridges re-runs on Sleuth.
You're thinking of giving up on love, I'm still willing to try.” PC: This one sounds like Billy Joel singing an almost-country song. It’s pretty weenie. Kyle: Yeah, then he must be channeling Taylor Hicks on this one. Do they just have a chimp playing drums on all these songs?PC: Yeah, a chimp who hits ‘bossa nova’ on the Casio rhythm selector. This is pretty terrible.
with a good-looking face
bring me a kid
can remember his place
some hungry poet
son of a bitch
he gets to be famous
I get to be rich
or bring me a girl
they're always the best
you put 'em on stage
and you have 'em undress
some angel whore
who can learn a guitar lick
hey, now that's what I call music.” PC: It’s a venomous attack on greedy record label execs. But funny. Just read the lyrics. Could this song be related to a certain reality TV series about “singing” that we know? Kyle: I declare this song would stomp any of Bo’s weepy ballads. Kick him where it hurts, Tommy.PC: Petty ironically sings, “Find an angel whore who can learn a guitar lick.” It’s sad because Tom was aiming too high. Learn a guitar lick? Why bother going that far when you could just shove a microphone in her hand and have her sing karaoke hits from 30 years ago. Who needs musical talent when you’ve got American Idol? “Have Love, Will Travel”PC: And just to prove that he can do slow and sensitive here’s a song about love AND traveling.Kyle: Now THAT’S a love ballad. It’s sensitive without being cloying and it makes the girl fall in love with you.
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