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We are in the midst of the dreaded American Idol auditions.  The search for this season's cast will be predictably filled with the canon Idol characters we see every season: the blonde country singer, the rocker, the adorable teen idol, the R&B diva... If the show's producers must give us formulas, they should at least give us formulaic singers who consistently record quality music.  Here is the first in a  three-part series on the stereotypes that SHOULD be on Idol.  This entry: British blue-eyed soul singers!

These girls sing sexy songs about lost love and gravitate toward timeless vintage sounds.  As an added bonus, hardcore soulstresses tend to flaunt a host of behind-the-scenes controversies... and that, producers, makes for good reality television.

American Idol returns with 2 more hours of unwatchable nonsense and I start to regret saying I would write a blog each week. That’s a lotta show to recap. But when Idol touches down in Kansas City, thankfully, it’s more entertaining than Phoenix. That’s not to say the show is good. But at least there were some semi-fun moments tonight. Not among those moments? Jason Castro showing up in the first five minutes. Why are they still giving this money hungry loser screen time? I did learn two things tonight though. Kara DioGuardi is horny. Very horny. And most of the guys in Kansas City are fabulously gay and VFTW worthy.

Remember the one or two good things I said about the Idol season premier?  Well, I take it all back.  It was mostly terrible for an unnecessary two hours of bad singing, and I'm talking about the Gold Ticket winners.

This nearly interminable episode showcased everything that's bad about Idol.  Two hours of tedious bad singing, mocking of the mentally handicapped.  More bad singing.  And then just to rub it in they show us a teaser for "The Most Dramatic Hollywood Week Ever."  Which is still nearly a month away.  Man, that looked really good, and featured pretty much everybody we've seen get a ticket so far.  
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Oh yeah, Idol is back.  And more importantly Professor Chan is back for another go-round of Idol mockery.  With 8 being my lucky number maybe this season is when VFTW hits pay-dirt and we finally get a VoteForTheWorst Idol Champion that we all can be proud of. Well, besides Taylor Hicks, of course.  Those were the days.

“In life, the microphone passes by your lips just once… you better take that opportunity.” – David Foster

“Kill me now.” – Me

I can’t believe Idol’s back already. It feels like just yesterday I was clearing my mind of Carly Smithson’s facial expressions and David Archuleta’s ridiculous gasping. But already we have a brand new crop of wannabes who still haven’t learned that the show is not a real talent competition. I’d call them poor saps, but they know better by now. So to help you through this terrible show, I give you the gift of humor. My name is Dave, and some of you may know me. Some of you may not. But I write a blog. And I mock American Idol. Not all of you will like my blogs. Only the smart and funny ones will. The rest of you will grow to hate me and post about how I am biased and miserable, living in my parents’ basement. Well, you know what? They make me grilled cheese sandwiches that are cut diagonally and they taste great, so there. Let the games begin. This… is Dave’s False Idols. And surprisingly I did not throw my television against the ground after 5 minutes of this show. Yet.

The road to crowning a Canadian Idol is a lot like cleaning a cesspool; keep removing all the crap till there’s none left. And no one can clean a cesspool like CI. First, they drain the fattest turds at the bottom, like Vanessa Kalala and Jessica Sheppard, and the trannies, like Ryan Mawla and Pappy J. Gordon. Then Canada takes care of removing all the women and minority contestants, until we are left with the two best contestants. But VFTW has thrown a big fat whiney wrench into that equation, as one giant smelly turd still remains as Mitch MacDonald is on the precipice of the greatest Canadian VFTW Victory ever!

Some of you may have missed the point last week when Anne Murray was featured for two days that Canada is the lamest country ever so CTV has decided to reinforce that point tonight as it’s Bryan Adams Week. It’s Labor Day and every day’s a labor for the person who has to haul in the grease for Ben’s hair. Ben asks Jake what the Idols can learn from Bryan Adams, and Jake replies that you’ll get terrible pockmarks if you pick at your skin too much. Ben tells Farley it’s been a long road and asks what he’s learned and Farley says that thanks to Mark Day and Mitch Macdonald, he’s learnt that there’s ALWAYS a worst. Ben reminds us this season (and series) is coming to an end and asks Zack what he’ll do after having no one to humiliate on National TV but Zack’ll be able to take the flaming to an international level once the most Worster judge ever comes home and can be comforted in the warmth that is votefortheworst.com.

While it’s nice having our non-Canadian Worsters along for this trainwreck of a ride known as Canadian Idol 6, it’s time for them to find out why Canada is the lamest country in the World as it’s…hold on to your hats, kiddies…Anne Murray night!!! And our group of four male stoners were so convincing in their rehearsals this week that Brunton’s decided that they’ll be massacring only one Anne Murray song each instead of the originally planned two. Ben asks Sass what she thinks of Four dudes doin’ Anne Murray and she says that Heart has no gender, and neither does Anne Murray. Ben asks Jake if our Idols should prepare differently tonight because they’re doing two songs each instead of the usual one but Jake says They should prepare as normal, meaning that Earl should smoke a pound of weed, Theo should put on a dress and VFTW pick Mitch MacDonald should pump helium up his ass until he’s about to pop.

Sausage lovers line up here as it’s time for our all-male Top 5 on Canadian Idol. Ben tells us it’s Beatles night and that they’re the most influential group ever, having influenced an entire generation of druggies and sex perverts who are now leading our country and businesses. Zack reminds us of when The Beatles said they were Bigger than Christ 40 years, which caused less of an uproar than if American Idol had an openly gay contestant on its show today. Ben asks Jake if The Beatles changed the business of music, and they certainly did by ending the most successful run ever by a music act in 1970 having around two dollars in their bank accounts. Farley talks about our Idols' journey to today, which involves Theo eating about 1000 cases of Kraft Dinner and a whole lot of banging Amberly.

Last week, CTV crushed VFTW’s chubby grape Mark Day, removing all color from this show, leaving it a sickly, pasty white. And no one is pastier than Mitch MacDonald, who with VFTW’s support will now go higher than the helium shooting out of his mouth. Ben tells us it’s Canadian Week and he knows how lucky we are to still have a Canada after the train wreck that was his father’s government. Simple Plan is here to show our Idols how to properly rip-off other bands’ sounds and images to become the most derivative act in music today. Sass says that one of her favorite Canadian bands is Nickleback, meaning she must also love Daughtry, as every single one of their songs is a watered down rip-off of Nickleback. Ben asks Zack what he’s expecting, and Zack says That we get past this lame part of the show and onto his favorite part where he destroys young hopefuls’ dreams in front of their family, friends and entire nation.