Album: "Daughtry"

Theme: Drippy love ballads sung with alt-rock mopery.

Best Song: "Home" the getting voted off song on Idol this season, or "There and Back Again" which almost achieves basic levels of "rocking out."

Cover: Daughtry, intense and serious with thumbs in pockets. Band-mates are blurry ghosts that lend support to the greatness of Daughtry without drawing any attention away from the seething turmoil of Daughtry's effervescence.

Inside photos: Daughtry looking stoic and serious with his geeky band-mates, thumbs in pockets. Daughtry looking petulent and serious in a stairwell. Daughtry by himself and serious with thumbs in pockets leaning against a wall. And a picture of an anonymous bald-headed guy with a gigantic back "tattoo" that reads: "Daughtry."

First person or entity thanked in the liner notes: "I'd like to thank the following people who have felt compelled to take interest in my career: Andy Waldek, Dan McCarroll, Stevo…"

Kyle: Wait, he didn't thank God?

Professor Chan: I guess not-- Hang on. I was reading page two of the thank you's. Page one reads: "First off, I'd like to thank God for the gift of music and my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for being the greatest example of LOVE I know."

Kyle: Fwew! Order is restored to the universe.

Song: 1. It's Not Over

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Nickelback

Sample Lyrics:

"Cause a part of me is dead and in the ground. This love is killing me, But you're the only one. It's not over."

Kyle: Let's see, she's "taken away everything" but he still can't get over her. Dude, she's long gone, moved in with another guy and has two kids but Daughtry STILL insists "It's Not Over." What a wuss. We all know what part of his anatomy is "dead and in the ground" don't we, guys?

Freech: It's not actively offensive. It's comparable to the elevator music of modern rock, though.

Professor Chan: This is attempting to rock, but still not getting there.

Freech: I'm surprised a rocker won American Idol.

Professor Chan: He didn't win. He came in fourth. But he still sold more albums than Taylor, McPhee and Yamin combined. You could tell the AI producers wanted him to win, though.

Kyle: Ooh, guitar solo.

Professor Chan: (checks liner notes) It's some guy named Phil X.

Kyle: The first of many face-melting Phil X solos, I hope.

Profesor Chan: I hope you're being sarcastic.

Kyle: Phil X is a lame rock monicker. It's like they took one of the nerdier first names and added a single letter as a last name, and that's supposed to make him tough. Ooh, Phil X is hard.

Professor Chan: Not as hard as Dexter Q, or Milton Z, though.

Kyle: Don't forget Urkel P, he's a bad mo-fo.

Song: 2. Used To

Pearl Jam Rip-Off Band Daughtry is Aping: Fuel

Sample Lyrics:

"We used to have this figured out; We used to breathe without a doubt."

Kyle: How come he couldn't call it "How we used to be" instead of "Used To"? Is it the same reason it's "Daughtry" instead of Chris Daughtry?

Professor Chan: See, Chris is cost conscious. Now he's saving money by leaving out words on the lyrics sheet as well.

Freech: At least it's grammatically correct.

Professor Chan: But it's so generic it's meaningless.

Freech: This music is so generic. There's no hooks to keep your interest. It's just three minutes of music. It's enough time to take you from the lobby to the 10th floor in an elevator. You can put this CD on and ignore it.

Kyle: No kidding. It's given me some more time to ponder the album cover. Do you think Daughtry has deformed thumbs, and that's why he keeps hiding them in his pockets?

Professor Chan: Moving on...

Song: 3. Home

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Hootie and the Blowfish

Samply Lyrics:

"I'm going to the place where love And feeling good don't ever cost a thing. And the pain you feel's a different kind of pain."

Professor Chan: This is the Idol loser song. When you get voted off the show your whole AI career passes in front of your eyes, to the gloomy strains of "Home."

Kyle: You sure it's not "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"?

Professor Chan: "The pain you feel's a different kind of pain." How can you feel a different kind of pain than pain? It's like he's saying "That pain that you feel..." well you're wrong, you don't feel THAT pain, it's a whole different kind of pain, and buddy, I know pain. Because I'm Daughtry and I'm serious.

Kyle: You could tell me this was any of 50 bands and I'd believe you.

Freech: "The miles are getting longer, it seems." So are these songs.

Kyle: Phil X is playing his 8th-notes, and that's what they call "rocking." Come on, dude pick up the pace. It's not metal unless the guitarist is doing 16th-note arpeggios.

Freech: Go home already, Daughtry and stop singing about it.

Song: 4. Over You

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Live

Sample Lyrics:

"Packed your bags and walked away. There was nothing I could say.

And when you slammed the front door shut, A lot of others opened up."

Professor Chan: Not to be confused with McPhee's "Over It." McPhee had a crush on a dude, but he didn't like her, so she's "Over It." Whereas Chris was digging a girl, but as soon as she left him he discovered he was "Over You." So the two songs are totally different.

Kyle: Once again Daughtry's moaning because some girl left him. Is this a different chick dumping him than on "It's Not Over" because the sentiment is remarkably similar. You left me and you broke my heart, and destroyed my happiness forever but nyah-nyah, I'm totally over you.

Freech: See, AFTER you left me I realized you were a soul-destroying, psycho-whore. I'm so glad it didn't work out, thank you for helping me see that.

Professor Chan: You know, I could see Kelly Clarkson singing this song. Is this another example of 19Entertainment hiring some hack songwriter to intentionally come up with the most banal, generic lyrics possible and the first person that comes along and feels like demeaning themselves by singing them gets to cut an album?

Kyle: Daughtry sounds like a whiny bitch on this album. Way to keep it real, dude.

Freech: Ooh, there was a guitar hook for half a second, but it quickly got lost in the wall of feedback and distortion.

Professor Chan: It's like he's daring us, "Oh, you think this album sucks... Here's even more wussiness! Now how much does it suck, bitch?

Freech: "I should've started running..." when this song came on.

Song: 5. Crashed

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Live, again.

Sample Lyrics:

"Could've been the death of me, But then you breathed your breath in me.

And I crashed into you, Like a runaway train. You will consume me, But I can't walk away."

Professor Chan: Ooh, a little harmonic minor scale, that pseudo-Arabian sounding stuff. I smell the Live influence on this one, definitely.

Kyle: Yeah, the music sounds like Live, but every time he starts singing it sounds like Nickelback.

Freech: And the melody is Neil Young's "Old Man."

Kyle: I bet Daughtry has posters of himself in his apartment. And when he takes chicks back to his pad, he puts on this album to get them in the mood.

Professor Chan: Another dreary, lumbering ballad. Hey, wait, this is the EXACT SAME SONG as "Over You."

Kyle: Every song on the album has the EXACT SAME tempo. This is like, 120 beats a minute. Maybe Phil X can't play anything faster than that.

Freech: How come so many pop songs use the same "runaway train" metaphor? What does it even mean?

Professor Chan: Yeah, because runaway trains are so common in 2007. "Our love is like a runaway train, you know what I'm talking about?" Uh, no, not really.

Song: 6. Feels Like Tonight

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Creed

Samply Lyrics:

"And it feels like tonight. I can't believe I'm broken inside.

Can't you see that there's nothing that I wanna do, But try to make it up to you?

And it feels like tonight, Tonight."

Professor Chan: Isn't Daughtry supposed to you know, rock at some point? This could be Phil Collins for all the "rocking" happening here.

Freech: How come Daughtry never finishes his thought? "It" Feels like tonight. What is "it"? He never says what it is. So frustrating.

Kyle: Who buys this? Who wants to listen to mid-tempo dreary "I'm broken up inside" pussiness?

Professor Chan: Over two million people bought this album.

Kyle: Yeah but who are they?

Freech: Just when you think the album can't suck any more, it finds a new way to lower the bar.

Professor Chan: I bet the Moody Blues could kick these guys' asses. And they're 60. They'd say "Oy, you guys are a bunch of poofs. We'll totally rock you with "Nights in White Satin."

Kyle: Even Neil Diamond is less of a pussy than these guys.

Professor Chan: "It feels like..." I was castrated.

Kyle: Ladies and gentlemen, I present Donny Osmond.

Freech: Of course it feels like tonight, it IS tonight or you couldn't be singing about it. You can't "feel like" something that hasn't happened yet. And since it's not about "last night" it's a completely meaningless sentiment. It's so stupid.

Professor Chan: "I never felt like this before." Liar, you felt exactly like this for the last four songs.

Kyle: It feels like I'm having a period.

Song: 7. What I Want (featuring Slash)

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Velvet Revolver

Sample Lyrics:

"I still remember all the stupid things that I've said and done,

But still, you stuck around with me when all your friends said, "Run!"

Givin' me a name, found myself in flames. Becoming everything for you again."

Freech: I remember a lot of stupid things he's said and done… this whole album.

Professor Chan: This rocks a little bit. I mean, it's the exact same song as Velvet Revolver's "Slither" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cO8o6SMrXz0 (Daughtry's "What I Want" here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mUb1MQoou_Q ) but at least a Daughtry song has momentum for once.

Freech: I admit it has a certain rocking essence to it.

Kyle: If he had Slash come to play on this song, why couldn't Daughtry have him play through all the songs. Having a rocking guitarist would've improved all the songs.

Freech: Not even Slash is that creative.

Professor Chan: Slash is like, "Sorry, man there's nothing I can do for that one."

Song: 8. Breakdown

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Nickelback

Samply Lyrics: Well, I'm sitting alone thinking about it all over coffee. And still crowdin' my space are the things you still hold against me. You cannot save me.

Professor Chan: Just great. Three bars in and Chris takes a big gasp of air BEFORE he sings. Couldn't the engineer cut that out? I mean, he hasn't even STARTED singing and he's sucking wind.

Freech: The lead singer of Muse gasps for air.

Professor Chan: Yeah, because he's singing the crap out of the song and if he doesn't take a breath of air his lungs will collapse. Daughtry hasn't even begun singing this wussy song and he's already wheezing.

Kyle: What kind of rocker contemplates things over a cup of coffee? Is he wearing a beret and reading Camus? Ooh, I'm so serious, I'm drinking coffee and writing a song about it.

Freech: If he's alone thinking about it, he wouldn't have made this album in the first place.

Professor Chan: He doesn't have to think too hard any more, he sold 2 million albums.

Song: 9. Gone

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Live

Sample Lyrics:

"Feeling like this could only mean, I'm sinking.

Feeling like this could only mean, I'm sinking.

Well, I'm sinking. Pull me up."

Freech: Hey Phil X has a nice guitar sound on this one. Way to go Phil. It took you 9 tracks, but you're finally contributing.

Kyle: He starts off with a sinking metaphor but you know it's going to take another three and a half minutes to drown.

Freech: None of this is eminently hateable. It's just pap.

Professor Chan: But does it have to be so boring? I mean, this song is exactly the same as "Breakdown." Which sounds exactly the same as "Crashed." It's so repetitive.

Kyle: I love rock. Calling this rock offends me, frankly. I don't care when Idol records vanilla R&B or weepy Aiken ballads, or spunky girl dance songs. But when they come in and screw up rock and roll with their drippy lyrics and fictional relationship songs, it just crosses a line, man.

Professor Chan: Amen, brother.

Song: 10. There and Back Again

Pearl Jam Rip-Off Band Daughtry is Aping: Fuel

Sample Lyrics:

"Lay down, my friend. Close your eyes, breathe in, And I'll take you there and back again."

Professor Chan: This almost rocks.

Kyle: Yeah, this is the first song I don't hate.

Freech: This isn't bad.

Professor Chan: But it's still not Heavy Metal. Heavy Metal isn't vague. Those guys are up front about their love of dragons, Tolkien, Satan and stuff. If they wanted to write a hobbit song they don't beat around the bush like Daughtry is. (It's stretching it… "There and Back Again" is the book Bilbo Baggins wrote about his experiences in "The Hobbit." Professor Chan is a nerd.)

Kyle: This album gets the rocking formula backwards. It's supposed to be 4:1 rockers to ballads, not the other way around. Also, you can't just make a rock album with four random people. You need to play together as a band for a while. Rocking is learned through osmosis.

Professor Chan: Well, these guys are Daughtry's buddies. They've been together for years.

Kyle: Oh, well, in that case they're pretty bad.

Professor Chan: There's no chemistry.

Kyle: It sounds like manufactured crap.

Freech: This song sounds like "Last Action Hero."

Professor Chan: All this venom, and this is the one song we don't hate.

Song: 11. All These Lives.

Pearl Jam Rip-off Band Daughtry is Aping: Live, yet again.

Sample Lyrics:

"Never gonna let you take my world from me.

The world outside these walls may know you're breathing,

But you ain't comin' in. You ain't comin' in."

Freech: "All these lives." Is he getting all Hindu? Then it must be Live.

Professor Chan: It keeps feeling like it's about to rock, but doesn't.

Kyle: Which you could say about Nickelback too.

Professor Chan: It never takes that leap off the ledge of pussy.

Kyle: It stays in the kiddie pool of suckiness, with it's water wings on.

Freech: I actually like this one. The lyrics are interesting. And even if the rock is lacking it sounds personal to Daughtry. Everything else he's sung so far sounds uber-generic.

Professor Chan: I think it's a public service announcement for child abductions. Child abduction is wrong. Good message.

Freech: There's passion in Daughtry's voice. I'll never be able to hum the melody and I'll forget the song in 30 seconds, but it's not bad.

Song: 12. What About Now

Pearl Jam Rip-Off Band Daughtry is Aping: Elton John

Sample Lyrics:

"Change the colors of the sky.

And open up to The ways you made me feel alive,

The ways I loved you. For all the things that never died,

To make it through the night, Love will find you."

Freech: Ugh, he ends on a weepy piano ballad. What a pantywaist.

Professor Chan: The sheer fruitiness of this song can only be expressed with this video I found: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9WolgF55eU

Freech: What about now? Are you ready to rock yet, you sissy? How about now? Nope.

Kyle: He's got to cry. It's in his American Idol contract. Your first album has to have a song about weeping.

Freech: What about now? He still has nothing to say. How about... now? Nope, still nothing.

(Kyle, Professor Chan wave arms in the air)

Kyle: Now THIS is Christian Rock!