Dave's False Idols
Top 10 Guys - Inappropriate Dedications and Sleep Medications
Top 24 Guys' Round: I <3 Chris Sligh
Finally, it’s time for the voting. And can I say that I love Chris Sligh? I want to have his babies. If that guy would just sing worse, we’d totally be voting for him. He mocks the show, hurls insults back at Simon, and looks like Jack Osbourne. Chris, seriously… I love you. But since you sang too well, tonight my vote goes to Sundance as the VFTW champion for now. How did everyone else do on what I think may be the worst night in Idol history? Obviously… bad.
Rudy Cardenas started the night off wrong with Free Ride. He’s a professional musician, but also a VFTW superstar. Rudy’s performance was just odd. He screamed the song in a really high pitch, did some really odd dancing, and basically came off as the Hispanic Clay Aiken. The hip swivels and the off key notes definitely grabbed my attention and made Rudy a contender for my vote tonight. That had to have been one of the corniest performances in a long while. But no… it’s just not quite VFTW. Close, though. Good try, Rudy.
The Chair Episode: Any advice? Blow your nose. And turn off the TV.
Well, it’s time for the infamous chair episode, otherwise known as a gigantic waste of time that stretches a boring event out into an hour of sheer torture. To make this week’s column more fun to read, I’ll be analyzing everyone who made it through on a scale of 1-10 based on their VFTW potential. 1 is the next mega pop star Kelly Clarkson while 10 is the next floundering Scott Savol. Most of the losers who didn’t make it weren’t very interesting, so I’m not going to bother writing about them. I shall, however, mention the lovely Anna Kearns, who made me die laughing when she was shocked she didn’t make it. “Seriously? For real? Ain’t nobody like this on the show! I’m just shocked.” Such bravado, and she knows what she wants. I love her! Someone needs to get her an honorary Worster membership, she’s great!
Hollywood Part 1 - God likes good people... but not stupid blonde hoes
It’s time for Hollywood week, the real test of who will receive VFTW love. We heard everyone sing one song so far, will they crack under pressure? We sure hope so! Tonight Sundance and so many others sucked a whole new world of ass, leading me to think that the top 24 is going to be a glorious disaster of epic proportions.
We start off with 172 people – 148 lucky enough to put this nightmare away as of now – and 24 unlucky enough to have to sing in the coming weeks. In an effort to stir up drama, the first group of girls to sing (including megapimped Canadian Jory Steinberg) is cut within the first 5 minutes. They all sang well, yet were cut anway. This shows what a joke this show is. I will save this episode and rewatch those 6 singers after the top 24 episodes, and I can guarantee all of them will have sung better than half of the top 24. So Jory, Geri Guyer, Kelly Caruso, Lisa Morrison, Christen Itam, and Jeromishia Lemar, seriously… help us vote for the worst. You know the show deserves it.
Best of the Rest Auditions: Everything Idol Says is Wrong
American Idol’s lesson number one tonight is to have “the look”. One can only assume this means you have to dress like a cheap whore to win Simon’s approval. Christa Fazzino doesn’t have it because she wears weird clothes and she’s proud of it. Tami Gosnell doesn’t have it either, because she looks like a dude and sings Whipping Post with a really talented throwback sort of voice. Christa is obviously cut and Tami obviously makes it through. So neither had the look, yet one made it and one didn’t.
San Antonio Auditions: Return of the Wrong Door!
The producers of American Idol know what’s really holding this show together: Vote for the Worst. No one watches for the talent anymore. No one. And in this episode, only one person even slightly passed as a VFTW Hollywood contender. So what could the producers do to appease the Worsters during a boring episode? WRONG DOOR IS BACK, BITCHES. As if it wasn’t obvious before that the producers secretly love VFTW and read everything on this site, it’s now more obvious since they made a Wrong Door montage just for me. More on my favorite contestant, Wrong Door, later.
Los Angeles Auditions: Nothing We Haven't Seen Before
Dreaful. Horrible. Ap-Pauler-ing. The Los Angeles auditions were one of the worst shows Idol has produced to date, certainly the worst this year, thanks in no small part to the fact that every single joke and contestant was a recycled storyline from a previous show. There was absolutely no originality present in the entire hour. I’d rather bash my head in with a shovel than watch crap like this episode where we were treated to at least 2 gratuitous shots of Ryan Seacrest’s Hollywood Walk of Fame star that he bought himself. Thus, my column will take on a new format this week where I scold Idol for rehashing this fecal hour of television.
Well it looks like it’s time for more suckage. This week the guys were better than before, but honestly, they’re still not all that good. Even the megapimped Sundance was not very good, but the judges went out of their way to praise him to throw us off. I figured we should stick with him for a week just to see how he does, especially since our main pick is Antonella, and we’ll see. If he gets the judges’ praise again next week, well then we can reconsider. But no one was really all that VFTW worthy this week anyway, the guys all went from bad last time to boring this time, so sticking with Sundance for one more week won't hurt.