San Francisco Auditions - Tatiana Shines, Akila Whines, Adam's Fine, and Jesus's Design

Is it just me or is the show getting slightly better? Oh, I know what it is. The show isn’t on for 2 fucking hours. That makes it better by default. Seacrest reminds us that Katharine McPhee and William Hung were found in San Francisco. That’s a lot of suck to live up to, but I bet the contestants can handle it. It turns out that San Fran brings us so much VFTW potential, I can hardly contain myself.

The first person up is Tatiana Nicole Del Toro. She’s from Puerto Rico, but she wanted to stand out more so she auditioned in San Francisco. Before her audition, she went to a psychic who told her she would be in the top 12. Oh God, I hope so, because she has the most ridiculous laugh ever and it’s contagious. Before she even sings a note, I love this woman, as she declares, “I desire to be the American Idol probably more than anyone has wanted anything. Even more than the Castro family wants money.” OK, I made up that last part, but she really, really wants this. Tatiana enters in mermaid style and gives the judges her press kit with a DVD, CD, and naughty photos. Delightful! She sings “You’re No Good”, and she’s got a decent voice to back up the awesomely VFTW personality. As the judges debate whether to let her through, she sings over them and barely cares what they have to say. Paula says yes because she thinks Tatiana is fun and they need her to color things up. Paula is a racist. Kara says that Tatiana doesn’t have the vocals but she likes her vibe. Dude, Tatiana let Kara borrow her vibe? I hope she washed it afterwards. Kara is always so horny. When Randy hedges a bit, Tatiana says, “Listen to my album.” You tell him, girl. She gets through to Hollywood and I am excited. Tatiana is everything I could have hoped for and more. Sure, she has 0% chance of making the voting rounds, but she’ll be great in Hollywood. In the words of Tatiana, “I’m going to Hollywood and then I’m gonna win again and then I’m gonna win again and then I’m gonna win again…” She is love.

Dean-Anthony Bradford from Los Angeles is a failed entrepreneur whose special events planning company came crashing down a few months prior. He is also wearing a coat that looks like a couch. He screams as much as Von Smith, but the judges aren’t feeling it. Randy calls it over-the-top torture. No, watching this show is over-the-top torture. This is just kind of funny. Simon insults our man’s hair color, leading Dean-Anthony to say that the carpet matches the drapes. Nice set of cajones on this one, he’s feisty. But alas, he doesn’t make it. And even if he was a fake audition, he was funny, so I won’t get too upset.

Jesus Valenzula is auditioning because his kids asked him to. Because of this, he decides to audition with Usher’s song “Nice and Slow” about family values and adopting puppies. Simon immediately says that Jesus’s audition doesn’t work. Simon says that Jesus is a nice guy but that he has no chance of winning. Jesus begs and says that he doesn’t want to disappoint his kids, so Paula asks him to bring in the kids. Jesus, do not bring your kids around Paula. He ignores my warning and brings in Jesus Jr. and Gabriel, who does a rocker pose and is one of the most adorable kids ever. Jesus is given a second chance and sings “Unchained Melody”, just about as mediocre as he did before. Randy, Paula, and Kara say yes, mostly because they don’t want to disappoint the kids. Before leaving, Jesus promises that he will improve, but I’m hoping he doesn’t. He could be a VFTW darkhorse. He’s sort of attractive though, so that means he stands no chance of making the top 36. I hope he makes it though, because I could title my blog something like “Jesus Lives… To See Another Day” or “Have You Found Jesus? He’s in the Top 10!” So many possibilities.

After 3 interesting auditions, can Idol keep up the momentum and keep the episode fun and interesting? Of course not. Just as the show has no idea how to keep people watching by doing things like adding a second Beatles week last year, the poducers show us Dalton Powell completing a Rubix cube and singing. It’s not even worth recapping. Just when I thought the show was improving… I will never be that foolish again. It has been 30 minutes and we’ve seen 4 auditions. How is this even possible?

After a power montage of Kara and Simon fighting over which one is hornier (Ryan settles it by flirting with Simon), Akila Askew-Gholston stops in. First of all, she has a terrific name. Secondly, she cannot pronounce any parts of the human body correctly. I know this because she is reading some documents on how to properly warm up your body to sing, and she mispronounces words like “trachea”. If she wants to make it to Hollywood, she’s going to have to warm up certain other body parts of the producers, but we all know Akila is way too awesome for that, so she won’t make it. She even insults Ryan- when he says that her papers are “right out of health class”, she says, “no… off the internet.” We are treated to two Akila classics. First is the original “Make Sweet Love to You” and the second is “You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman.” Akila hits a terrific bum note and Simon cuts her off. Not to be outdone by Simon, Akila starts touching her lady parts and says she needs to sing from there. If a woman would come on this show and sing from her vagina, I would vote for her in a heartbeat. Now that’s talent. Akila is one of the best backtalkers the show has seen in recent seasons, insulting all of the judges multiple times before Paula walks off the set (to find booze) and Kara encourages her to leave. Akila leaves us by saying that she shouldn’t have let the judges “iractitate” her and she says that, “they made me feel like one of those auditioners that couldn’t sing.” Akila, you’ve got the show back on the right track. Bless you.

Here to derail the train is John Twiford, creepy hippie. We learn nothing about him on the show, but VFTW has done enough research about him to know he’s a loser (check out his message board thread). Allison Iraheta also makes it, along with Raquel Houghton (Dane Cook’s ex-girlfriend). Plant alert. Are they trying to sneak this one in without anyone noticing?

To keep the show on its downslide, we meet Annie Murdoch, who plays violin and piano. She also loves to scat. Dirty. She can’t decide what to sing, so she settles on “Summerime” and it’s even worse than Mantasia’s version. Simon says that it sounds like Annie is drunk, not just on one or two bottles, but on a whole crate. I trust Simon, because he has first hand experience sitting next to the reigning Miss Drunken Mess California 2008. Hopefully Paula will be able to hold on to her crown for next year… not because she has any competition, but because she wobbles a lot and the crown might fall off. After the judges dismiss her, Kara asks Annie to bring her a drink. Why bother, just grab something from Paula’s stash under the table. What do you think she went to get when she aimlessly wandered off during Akila’s audition?

Flaming queen Adam Lambert is next and… wait? He’s not flaming? What the hell? After weeks of finding awesome videos of Adam performing risqué songs and gender bending numbers, he plays it straight and gives us a boring story about how he wants to “fearlessly give the judges a show.” That’s it? He sings “Bohemian Rhapsody” and there’s a hint of the over-the-top performer that VFTW has grown to love, but he reigns it in a lot. It’s boring. Simon calls Adam theatrical. That’s code word for, “he’s gay.” Randy says that Adam is a good singer and that it’s time for somebody like him. That’s code word for, “I know he’s gay, the producers want someone gay on the show this year.” Kara says that he is theatrical, yes, but that he has a good voice and that’s what they’re looking for. That’s code word for, “Stop being such homophobes and let the fucker through.” Paula says nothing. That’s code word for, “I’m so messed up right now.” Adam then queens out a bit when he’s through to Hollywood, as he tells Paula that hers was the first pop concert he went to and he loved when she blew kisses. Adam kisses the female judges’ hands (but not the male judges’) and tells Kara that he’ll take her ruby with his teeth. See, there’s some fun in there. Adam, you better be toning it down so you make the top 36 and then pull out the entertainment in the semifinals. I’m counting on you. VFTW loves you, so don’t let us down.

To end the night, we get sob story Kai Kalama who takes care of his mom during the day and plays music at night. Kai’s mom has a seizure disorder.  He put his life on hold to take care of his mom. His mom says it’s hard for him to sacrifice. He says it gets trying when he’s always helping his mom. He wants to buy his mom a house. OK, enough already. I don’t care. Can you sing? Are you entertaining? Cut out the sob story and get to it. Kai sings “Smoke Gets In Your Eyes” and it’s a bit over the top. I think he doesn’t really have the personality to become a famous singer (or even a karaoke singer on a bad TV show), and actually, the judges agree with that. Simon says that Kai has the personality of a ship singer (but it sounds like he says “shit singer”) and Kara tells him to get his performance up. At least that’s all she wants him to get up. Kara really toned down her horniness tonight. As a new low, after Kai gets his Hollywood ticket, Simon encourages him to watch tapes of Simon to get confidence. Really? So rubbing your man boobs and looking like a little troll who smokes too many cigarettes will give you confidence? Maybe I don’t want confidence then.

12 people made it to Hollywood, and we saw 7 of them. That’s an improvement at least. Tomorrow, the show lands in Louisville, where we’ll see Tasha Valentine and that no good plant Joanna Pacitti. Joanna, please. You’re going to wish you never made it on the show once VFTW is done with you. Get out while you can. You have had 5 million opportunities. Give up…

Since she isn’t going to give up, stay tuned for relentless mocking.

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