Kansas City Auditions - Kara's Horny But The Guys Are All Gay

American Idol returns with 2 more hours of unwatchable nonsense and I start to regret saying I would write a blog each week. That’s a lotta show to recap. But when Idol touches down in Kansas City, thankfully, it’s more entertaining than Phoenix. That’s not to say the show is good. But at least there were some semi-fun moments tonight. Not among those moments? Jason Castro showing up in the first five minutes. Why are they still giving this money hungry loser screen time? I did learn two things tonight though. Kara DioGuardi is horny. Very horny. And most of the guys in Kansas City are fabulously gay and VFTW worthy.

Chelsea Marquardt is up first, and she has been singing as long as she can remember. She never thought she was good enough, and when she gives her rendition of “Without You”, she proves that she was right all along. Chelsea had a huge crew of family members with her at the audition. Did none of them pull her aside before the audition and say, “Look, we really need to tell you that you can’t sing.” No one? Simon compares Chelsea to a cat jumping off the empire state building, and Chelsea ends up leaving upset. The poor girl still thinks she just picked the wrong song, probably because the producers built her up for weeks to make her think she was good.

Ashley Anderson is up next with a Leona Lewis song (also known as nails against a chalkboard) called “Footprints in the Sand”, written by Simon Cowell (even worse). Oh God, Simon has taken to writing corny religious songs to try to turn a buck. There’s not much else to say about this one besides the fact that Simon is ridiculously self-indulgent. Also, the show it self is incredibly self-indulgent, as it runs an advertisement for itself while it’s on. Who does that?

Casey Carlson sings “A Thousand Miles” with a country twang and it’s incredibly pitchy, dawg. She’s barely even a decent singer. So what do the judges do? Simon says she has a good vibe and Kara says, “I see a package here.” Wait. Casey is a dude? Kara, you sly dog. She’s hitting on the contestants, isn’t she? I thought that was Paula’s job, but maybe the producers have decided that Paula shouldn’t be the substance abuser AND the judge that hits on the contestants, so that’s why Kara was brought in. I’ve finally figured out Kara’s angle. I bet she will make at least 4 more penis references tonight, because she might be in heat. Casey wasn’t very good, but because Kara saw her package, she gets to go to Hollywood.

Brian Hetter then stomps in and queens out with “Think”. He says he has a big voice and a big heart and that he wants to do some big old things. Randy turns him down for the date, though. He was classically trained in opera singing and he is returning to music after a 2 year break, and he chooses American Idol to see if he has a place in the music industry. Smart move. After his goaty rendition of Aretha, Simon calls it horrendous and Randy encourages him to sing Josh Groban. Really, this episode is going down a slippery slope of suck. And not fun suck. Boring suck.

Will Von Smith save the episode? Yes! Von, who looks like a brunette and queeny Josiah Leming, says that his range is strange because he attempts to sing things that guys don’t attempt and that he’s not afraid to be who he is. Von, you don’t need to hint that you’re gay… it’s obvious. We know. Let’s just move on. He decides to sing “Over the Rainbow”… wait, I mean he decides to scream “Over the Rainbow”. Never have I seen such an overindulgent and oversung performance on this show. Move over Katharine McPhee, Von Smith is the new Queen of Melisma. This guy is VFTW gold. He has no volume control and thinks that screaming sounds good. And instead of talking him to his senses, the judges like it. Kara tells him that he has a really big instrument. Geez, Kara, this is the second penis you’ve been staring at tonight. What about his singing? Besides honey, you’re barking up the wrong tree. Von gets 4 yeses and not one of the judges tells him that he is overdoing it. This guy could be VFTW gold. I love him! He’s egotistical and he’ll eventually piss of the judges and America with his overindulgence. The good news is that he makes the top 50, so he’s one step from the top 32.

Because Kansas City is apparently the gayest city in the country, Michael Castro is up next. His interview shows that he’s just as dim as Jason, and I have horrible flashbacks to season 7. Michael says that Jason is girlier than him, which produces the most boring stoner argument ever recorded.

Jason: Did you call me girly? What do you mean?
Michael: I don’t know.
Jason: Huh?
Michael: You’re emotional and stuff.
Jason: Stuffed? No, I’m kind of munchy right now.
Michael: Yeah, me too. Got any Funions?
Jason: Heh heh, no. Wait, did you say I was girly?
Michael: Dude, what? I’m just trying to hide the fact that I’m gay from mom.
Jason: Yeah, mom’s a real beast sometimes. Huh huh, Funions.
Beasty: RAAWWWWWWRRRRR. SOMEONE GET ME A FREE LAPTOP!!!!!!

Michael tells the judges that he just started singing 20 days before the auditions. This means Beasty forced him to take up singing so she could have another cash cow in the family when she realized that Jason wasn’t going anywhere. Michael is terrible, from his pink hair to the dopey look on his face. I would love him as a VFTW pick, but I’ve had enough of these Castros and they should all go home. Kara calls him a ballsy dude that has a secret. Kara, please, stop looking at the dude’s ballsies. Michael gets 4 yeses and Kara calls him cocky as he leaves. Kara… I didn’t ask you to stop looking at his ballsies so that you could start staring at his cocky. This woman needs some love, or at least a good battery operated friend. The Castro family yells, “We’re going to Hollywood” and Beasty yells, “Again!” Wow, she’s desperate for some more free stuff from the idiot frauen. Flashes of laptops dance before her.

Some dude in a with a banana named Vaughn English then makes me laugh a bit. Good for him.

Less interesting is Matt Breitzke. He’s a welder who has been singing since he was a boy, but now that he has a kid, he can’t focus on singing as much. Subtle kid pimpage, but I’d chalk him up as more of a proud father than someone using his kid for fame. He seems like an OK guy, but there are flashes of Chris Daughtry. He sings “Ain’t No Sunshine”. Everyone but Randy says yes and we’re “treated” to some awful Daughtry music. I guess this guy is like him after all. Maybe he’ll turn out to be a massive tool?

Jasmine Joseph is too boring for me to recap. Sorry, Jazz. Get a more interesting shtick.

Jessica Paige Furney tells us that she lives in the capital of Wizard of Oz towns with her 93 year old grandmother. Jessica is instantly likeable, but it’s almost as if she’s trying too hard to be normal. She succeeds though, and seems way too normal to be trying out for this show. I don’t see the fame whore streak in her like the rest of these wannabes. When she yells, “DO YOU KNOW I SING?” at her grandmother, I secretly hope that Grandma tags along to Hollywood so that we can see more of her. Jessica sings “Crybaby” and gets 4 yeses after a decent performance. My guess is that she’s being included so that she can get the radical makeover a la Clay Aiken. Either way, she’s either cannon fodder or the judges actually put through a normal person for once.

Asia McClain and India Morrison are rapping sisters. I kind of like their original song about cookies. But when it comes to singing, neither excites me. I like the fat one better because she is a really bad singer, but the short one gets through instead.

Jamar Rogers and Danny Gokey say that they’re going all the way together. Hot (or not). Jamar goes first and oversings, but I like his quirky style. He’s got a little, tiny mohawk and sings way too loudly (but nothing compared to Von Smith). Paula says he’s too loud and Randy calls it over the top. You guys criticize this guy but don’t say anything to Von? Seriously? But Jamar gets through anyway, and I see shades of VFTW from him. He seems like he’d try to put on a good show for us.

I am less impressed with Danny Gokey, who whores out his dead wife for a spot on the show. Don’t get me wrong. I feel really bad for Danny and his family that he lost his wife. It’s a true tragedy to lose someone that young, especially to something like a heart condition. But you shouldn’t use your dead wife’s memories to earn yourself a spot on a television show. This show should be looking for people who can sing, not the person with the saddest story. Sob stories always make me hate the contestants, especially people who whore out dead relatives for fame. You should become famous because of your talent, not because someone died. Danny does a decent version of “I Heard It Through the Grapevine”. Kara thinks Danny has a lot of heart and soul (wait… no penis joke here). Paula and Randy call him one of the best they’ve seen and he’s off to Hollywood. Please… no more dead wife stories. Try to get by on talent. You won’t make it, but hey, that’s because you’re not that interesting.

Anoop Desai, on the other hand, was my favorite contestant of the night. He has crazy eyebrows, but he’s also a funny guy who cracks jokes with Simon. He sings “Thank You” and the judges all like what he did with the song. Simon calls him geeky and thinks that it’s a bit “silicone”. No, Simon, that’s Kristen McNamara and her gigantic breast implants, and she auditioned in another city. Kara wants him to work on his “stage present” a little. Is that a veiled penis reference? I say it is! With the right sense of humor, Anoop could be a lot of fun in the top 36. But it’s pretty clear he’s going to be cut early. Too bad. He seems like he’d add something different to the show.

I will not dignify the montage with a mention.

Andrew Lang wins the award for best entrance, as he brings in 2 cheerleaders to build up hype for him. I’ll call them Fat Black Cheerleader and Skinny White Cheerleader. FBC and SWC make up a song about how great Andrew is going to be, and when he runs out, he is super fabulous. Not as queeny as Von Smith (yet), but he’s definitely a member of the family. Andrew sings “My Girl” and the limp wrist fully comes out, which is a mistake because Idol is a ridiculously homophobic show. But they let Von Smith through… will Andrew get through as well? Of course not. Kara tells Andrew he won’t make it in the competition, and Paula says that he’s too theatrical and should do Broadway. It’s actually good advice though, because all of the past contestants end up on Broadway at some point, so Andrew might as well skip the lame show and have the same career Ruben Studdard does. It’s easier that way.

Asa Barnes is another dad who uses his daughter to come across as likeable. It semi-works. Asa lets us know that a dream is a seed you plant early in life and he’s ready to be planted. No, Asa. We have enough plants on this show. He sings “The Way You Make Me Feel” and Simon wonders why Asa would sing that song. Asa replies that he likes the song and that he’s trying to make Kara horny since he heard she’s been making advances toward the contestants all day. Kara likes Asa because he’s got a whole vibe. Is that code word for the fact that she wants him? When Asa gets 4 yeses, he runs outside the audition room and his family starts barking. It looks like Al Roker joined him as well.

As if Idol hadn’t learned its lesson 2 years ago, Michael Nicewonder is the next person to audition. Michael seems to possibly have a mental handicap, or he’s at least got some kind of social disorder. Yet the show preys upon this for ratings. Because of that, I won’t recap Michael’s audition, since when he started to cry afterwards, you could tell something was up… and the fact that Simon was patronizingly nice for most of the audition to try not to look like a jackass again shows that something was up.

Dennis Brigham had a dream… about Simon last night in which Simon told him that he’s the best person to audition. Will his dream come true? Of course not. Simon hates effeminate men. He sings “With You” and includes some crazy, over the top dance moves, but he’s a lot of fun to watch. I’m likin’ it. Simon calls it a bit crazy and says no. This causes Dennis to start the begging, where he promises that he can sing “very very very very very good.” The other 3 judges all feel bad for him so they give him a golden ticket, and it’s a VFTW victory! There’s no way Dennis will make the top 36, but it would be awesome if he did, because he’s a lot of fun.

Mia Conley awaits her audition by falling asleep. I see a lot of myself in Mia, as I fall asleep waiting for the show to end. Armed with red hair and bright purple lipstick, Mia belts out a bad version of “Lovin’ You”. You can tell Mia is going to talk back, and I’m actually happy about that because we’ve had less back talk this year. After the judges get in their digs, Mia storms out and takes many opportunities to let America know that the judges are wrong and that God will make them pay for it. Oh, I hope so, Mia. If you have a direct line to God, would you let him know that the Worsters are on your side too. If He could pull some funny pranks on the judges, we’ll donate some money to charity or something. Man, I wish I had a direct line to God like Mia does. Lucky girl.

The last auditioner of the night is Lil Rounds. And no, it’s not Lil Rounds like Lil Mama or Lil Kim. Lil is just short for Lillian. How boring is that? If she had made up her name, that would be so much better. She gets the double pimp backstory by showing everyone her children and then talking about how a tornado tore up hr apartment so she’s living in a hotel with her family. All of that backstory means that Idol wants her in the top 12. She sings “All I Do” and she does have a good voice, but it's nothing we haven't heard a million times before. Yawn. Paula says that Lil has it going on, and whoever told her to stop dreaming her dream can kiss her lil behind. Simon said she’s fantastic, there’s something about her that’s a lil classy. Randy calls her a mixture of Mary J. Blige and Fantasia, and he’s a lil happy that she showed up. After 4 yeses, she gets a lil old yellow ticket and she’s off to Hollywood. How many lil jokes can I possibly make about her? A lot.

We end the episode with a montage of the cannon fodder that make it to Hollywood, including one girl with blonde hair and glasses that they had just shown in a bad montage a few minutes prior. So she was bad then, and now she’s going to Hollywood? Get your editing straight, Idol. We’re also treated to the same damn clips we’ve seen all episode, such as Asa and Danny getting their golden tickets. Really? You couldn’t let us get to know some of the other contestants who made it to Hollywood? I hate this show… and not just a lil bit.

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