Phoenix Auditions- "What a nightmare. This show's a joke." So true, pink shirt girl.

“In life, the microphone passes by your lips just once… you better take that opportunity.” – David Foster

“Kill me now.” – Me

I can’t believe Idol’s back already. It feels like just yesterday I was clearing my mind of Carly Smithson’s facial expressions and David Archuleta’s ridiculous gasping. But already we have a brand new crop of wannabes who still haven’t learned that the show is not a real talent competition. I’d call them poor saps, but they know better by now. So to help you through this terrible show, I give you the gift of humor. My name is Dave, and some of you may know me. Some of you may not. But I write a blog. And I mock American Idol. Not all of you will like my blogs. Only the smart and funny ones will. The rest of you will grow to hate me and post about how I am biased and miserable, living in my parents’ basement. Well, you know what? They make me grilled cheese sandwiches that are cut diagonally and they taste great, so there. Let the games begin. This… is Dave’s False Idols. And surprisingly I did not throw my television against the ground after 5 minutes of this show. Yet.

Last year on May 21, Ryan Seacrest says that an incredible season reached its critical mass… probably because David Cook had put on so much weight during the run of the show and Jorbacca came back for the finale. We then sit through 13 minutes of previews and commercials. Seriously? We have to wait 13 minutes to see someone audition? Isn’t this supposed to be the new and improved Idol? Still smells like the same old shit to me. Oh, and why didn’t anyone push Ryan Seacrest into the Grand Canyon while he stood on the edge? The answer is that he wasn’t at the Grand Canyon. It was just a diorama made by a middle school kid. Ryan is only 2’4” so you can’t tell the difference.

After 13 excruciating minutes, the first person to try for his shot at embarrassment is Tuan Nguyen. He has big hair and wants to incorporate drill team dancing into his performance to impress Randy Jackson and try out for America’s Best Dance Crew at the same time. He sings “The Way You Make Me Feel” complete with tap dancing and choreography. Honestly, it’s just lame to watch because you know the producers set him up so that the judges can mock his dancing. Can we just get past this and move on to someone else? No we can’t, as the show treats us to an entire 4 minutes of Tuan, complete with a musical montage after his audition in case you forgot what you just saw a minute ago. Well, that answers the question of whether this show could suck any worse than it did last year.

Emily Wynne-Hughes is up next, and her mom is a singer who gave up her career so that she could take care of her kids. Emily says that she was bad at school, math, sports, and friends (looks like she just sucks at life, I guess), so she tried singing instead and got a lot of tattoos so that she’ll never have to sell her soul and work in an office. Yet she sells her soul in a different way by trying out for American Idol. The irony. She sings “Barracuda” and she’s got a good voice, but you’d have to assume she did since she has a band that tours Europe. Emily does not need this show. She then informs the judges that she didn’t tell her band about her audition and that if she gets on the show, it will ruin the band’s European tour. Why in the world are you going on the show then? Let’s see… tour in Europe or singing cheesy oldies while dressing up like woodland creatures in a Ford commercial? The choice is easy for everyone except Emily, but Emily wants to be like Daughtry. Seriously, she said that. I’m totally getting it now. Emily has a mental deficiency. Why does Idol prey on people who have something wrong with them? She then gets a slow motion song-out to “Alone” by Heart. Clever.

After going to the bathroom to take an enormous shit, I realized that we’re 25 minutes into the show and there have only been 2 auditions. How is this even mathematically possible?

Randy Maddern is ready to audition next, and he’s our “rock star living in a box.” It’s an unfunny catchphrase that he proceeds to use at least twice more. He just wants someone to tell him that he’s great, so he chooses to try out for the cruelest reality show ever made. Makes sense. He sings “Living on a Prayer” and it’s not all that good. Simon calls it wimpy and cliché, seemingly trying to make Randy M. cry. He succeeds, causing Randy M. to say all he wants is a chance. Paula says that some of the greatest experiences of a band come from the blood, sweat, and tears that you put into it, and she knows from her experiences with MC Skat Kat. This is why Daughtry and David Cook have never had good experiences in a band. As Randy leaves, we’re treated to another song-out: “Dust in the Wind”. How much money is Idol paying for these song rights? And do they understand how much cornier they are making the show by including them?

Cannon fodder J.B. Ahfua sings “Flying Without Wings”. How do we know he’s cannon fodder? Because the producers don’t bother giving us a backstory for him. It’s just, “Hey, look! It’s an Asian guy! And he sings well!” If he picks a better song and cuts out some of the melisma, he could… who am I kidding? He’s preordained cannon fodder. Nice knowin’ ya, J.B. After he gets his golden ticket, he cries and says he wants to help his family because they’ve had it rough. What happened to them? Who knows. Let’s see a preview for the blind guy who’s coming up later instead. It’s apparently more important than getting to know anything about J.B. We’ve learned nothing about new judge Kara DioGuardi either. A second preview for the blind guy? Sounds good.

Michael Gurr has been nervous all day, and it shows in his audition of “Starts With Goodbye” by Carrie Underwood. He has a creepy voice that sounds like he’s in pain when he sings, but he’s really not all that interesting and his audition slot could have been filled with another gold ticket winner. He then sings a Kara DioGuardi song, and I have no idea what song it is. But with Kara’s track record for writing pure and utter crap, I’m sure that Michael’s version was much better than the original.

After a few unfunny bad singers, Aundre Caraway (aka X-Ray) takes the stage. After singing “Cactus Baby”, the judges all say no. I kind of liked his silly mannerisms and he was fun, but the judges don’t appreciate silly and fun.

Arianna Afsar is not silly nor fun, but she does seem like a nice person. She founded a program called Adopt a Grandfriend for lonely seniors in retirement homes to have teenagers come by and put on shows. She sings “Put Your Records On” with a good tone to her voice, but she’s a bit too smiley for my tastes. The judges of course love it, and she’s on to the next round. I doubt we’ll be all that interested in Arianna in the future because she doesn’t seem to have all that much train wreck potential. I can’t even really make a joke up about her since she didn’t really do much. Same goes for Elijah Scarlett who has a deep voice. Really… not that interesting. Throughout the entire Phoenix audition process, this is the best and worst that turned up?

Finally, we get some VFTW gold in Lea Marie Goldie. She’s 16 and she had to show up right after her sixteenth birthday because she’s super duper excited, like so totally OMG. She calls herself a cross between Hilary Duff and Madonna, which I guess means she’s two washed up celebrities in one. She says that she’s Kara DioGuardi’s biggest fan and that she has written 100 songs that she want to show to Kara. Even Kara is shocked to know that she has a real live fan, as she tries to touch Lea to make sure she is real. Lea sings “Everytime We Touch” and it’s a very nasal performance. It’s alright but clearly not good enough to make it through. Kara likes that Lea has committed to something, but that she’s not ready. After Lea leaves with a positive attitude, Kara snarks, “That’s my fan. What does that tell you about me?” How about that you’re an ungrateful whore who should appreciate that someone knows who you are? Why are you insulting Lea for liking you? Looks like Kara is just as full of herself as the other judges. Good thing too, it gives me free reign to mock her. At least Lea says she’ll be back next year. Good! I like her.

Stevie Wright reiterates many times that she was named after Stevie Nicks. How old is that going to get come Hollywood week? She’s 16 and she dresses like Jordin Sparks in cow-like prints. Oh no, Stevie is the new Jorbacca! Oversinging? Check. Randy praises her for being only 16 (and she’ll be 17 by the time the voting starts)? Check. Gigantic shoulders and arms? Well… no. Maybe she’s just sort of the next Jorbacca. But this girl was overhyped for no good reason. Her singing was decent but completely forgettable. This leads to ridiculous comparisons like Paula saying that Stevie has “Kelly Clarkson’s strength” and Kara calling this one “her girl.” Looks like we’ll be seeing a lot more of Stevie, whether I remember her tomorrow or not (I won’t).

Michael Sarver lets the judges know that he has the fifth most dangerous job in the world: he’s a roughneck. Ironic, because the top 4 most dangerous jobs in the world are the 4 assistants Paula Abdul hires to steal her drugs from cartels. He sings “Thank You” and he has a good voice. The judges fawn over him because he doesn’t look the way he sounds. Ever since Clay Aiken, apparently that has become a compliment. But really what they’re saying is, “Dude, you have a great voice, but you’re ugggggly. Really ugly.” Michael doesn’t pick up on this. Simon calls Michael likable, and 4 yeses get Michael a golden ticket. Michael then runs off and the camera watches as his ass sags back and forth in slow motion. Was that really necessary?

Finally, it’s time for the overhyped Bikini Girl. I thought I would be annoyed with her, but really, I like her. She seems to know the show is a joke, so she treats it like one. That’s my kind of girl. Katrina Darrell, even though it’s clear that no one will remember her as anything but Bikini Girl, says she wore a bikini so at least she’ll get a tan out of the experience. Good call. She also tells Ryan that she’ll make out with him when she gets a golden ticket. Trying to think of a way not to kiss a girl, Ryan says that he’ll hang on to the thought. Ryan also keeps referring to her as “ridiculously good looking” and saying she has an amazing body. Really, she doesn’t. She’s attractive, but it’s not like she’s a supermodel. This is just Ryan’s way of overcompensating. Also overcompensating is Simon, who seems smitten by Katrina as well. The surprising thing about Katrina is that she can actually sing. She’s not amazing, but her voice really is decent, as she tackles a Mariah Carey song. Simon and Randy immediately say yes, leading Kara to question them. Kara is upset that Katrina basically copied Mariah Carey’s version of the song, so it leads Kara and Katrina into a sing-off where they try to out melisma each other. Kara’s insecurity leads her to say, “You don’t have the chops to sing that song, sweety”, which leads Katrina to say, “You’re demonstration wasn’t any better.” Oh snap! She shows up in a bikini, manipulates the show, and talks back to the judges. This is a true Worster. She gets a golden ticket and proceeds to find Ryan to make out with him to the background music of “I Kissed a Girl”. Which girl? Ryan? Oh, Ok, makes sense. Ryan then pretends that he liked the kiss, even though if you play it in slow motion, you can see him close his eyes as he tries to picture Chad, the hunky production assistant, instead. Ryan’s attraction to Katrina is the fakest thing I’ve seen since Paula Abdul’s face. You know what would make me like this show more? A preview about the blind guy who we’ll see later. There’s one!

Eric Thomas has the nickname “Sexual Chocolate” and he proudly displays the tattoo on his back that makes sure the nickname lasts for life. The only problem? Dude is 17 years old. What kind of misguided parent thought that this tattoo was a good idea? Eric is more like Weird Jailbait Chocolate. His audition is predictably dull until Paula reads off the judge cheat sheet that if Eric does not make it to Hollywood, his mom is buying him a car. That’s a pretty sweet deal. Eric’s mom clearly understands how awful this show is and acts accordingly. Maybe his parents aren’t so misguided after all.

My favorite contestant of the night is a girl in a pink shirt that says, “What a nightmare. This show’s a joke.” Girl in the pink shirt, you are prescient!

Brianna Quijada decides to bubble over with personality during her performance of “Let’s Hear it for the Boy”. Her personality isn’t even all that interesting, but since the judges keep saying that her personality is great, it must be true. Her voice is decent, but there’s not a lot to say about her audition. That seems to be a theme for this year. Simon declared that Brianna’s personality got her here and not her singing, which flusters her so that she can’t sing “Killing Me Softly” very well. After a way-too-long debate, Simon and Paula send her through to Hollywood for VFTW, because we love singers with marginal vocals and overacted personalities.

Deanna Brown came to the Idol auditions on her own, so we’re treated to her search for strangers to be her family to support her after her audition. I’m sure the producers didn’t give her this idea or anything. That’s the best backstory they could come up with for Deanna? I can come up with 2 better stories off the top of my head. Number one: Deanna is a hooker with a heart of gold who just wants to show the world she can sing just as well as she can turn a trick. Number two: Deanna was on her way to the National Rock Paper Scissors championship when her car broke down in Phoenix, forcing her to beg for money on the street. After a long day of panhandling, Deanna coyly approaches a limo driving through the Phoenix desert, and it happens to be carrying the American Idol judges. The judges take pity on poor Deanna and bring her to the auditions to teach the contestants some life lessons in a very special episode of American Idol about how dangerous panhandling is when they discover she has an incredible voice. Rock Paper Scissors will have to wait, Deanna, you’re going to Hollywood! Neither of those scenarios are even that interesting, but seriously, “Let me find a fake family” is beyond boring. The judges all like Deanna’s raspy voice. Simon asks if Deanna has tried to get into this business before (key word: plant) and she says she has tried but hasn’t had the right opportunity yet (as she winks at Simon and licks her lips). The judges unanimously decide to send Deanna to Hollywood, where hopefully the “fake family” storyline will be dropped. I have an idea for a third storyline for Deanna. She could help that blind guy from the previews. I wish we could see another preview about him. Oh, there we go!

Cody Sheldon is a Danny Noriega clone that makes horror films with his video camera. He sings “Wonderful World” decently, but you can just see shades of every other marginal teenage boy that has ever been on this show. This means he will be a future VFTW pick. Kara says it’s surprising that his look and voice don’t add up. Again, this means Kara is calling him ugly. But Cody makes it to Hollywood so that the tweens can get their gender ambiguous fix.

Super nerd Alex Wagner-Trugman taught himself to sing in his closet late at night, but he got sick from all of the mold in there. Simon goes for the obvious joke and asks Alex if he just came out of the closet. Simon can’t actually accomplish this feat, so he makes lame jokes about it. Alex doesn’t seem phased by it and just announces that he better make it through to Hollywood because he’s missing a Spanish test to be there. Everything Alex says is awkward and poorly timed, so I like him! Singing “Baby Come To Me”, his voice is surprisingly decent and he’s awesomely quirky/awkward. Randy compares Alex to Joe Cocker, Simon compares him to a cocker spaniel, and Ryan just spontaneously shouts out, “cock.” Everyone but Simon wants to give Alex a chance, so he’s through to Hollywood. Good news, because Alex would make a terrific VFTW pick!

When Idol producers said that they would fix the show, I thought that meant they would eliminate those awful city songs where every contestant signs the same thing. I was wrong to have hope. The contestants that we’ve already seen are all brought back to sing a 3 minute montage of “Wanted Dead or Alive.” I prefer dead, but that’s because I don’t know if I can make it to the end of this show. The only thing that can save the show now is the shameless pimping of a blind person. Oh look, here it comes!

Scott MacIntyre can see 2 degrees of tunnel vision, so he’s basically blind. His lack of vision drove him to explore the world of sound, and he doesn’t let his handicap hold him back since he plays piano, goes skiing, and ballroom dances. He also graduated college at age 19. Without having to say another word, Scott is now guaranteed to be in the top 6 if he is included in the top 36. Scott seems like a nice guy, but really, what is so inspirational about someone with impaired vision wanting to have a music career and make lots of money? The skiing thing, yeah that’s pretty cool. If he was doing a ton of charity work for a cause or something, that would be inspirational. But Scott is on this show to be as greedy as the rest of the contestants who want to become famous singers. He seems like a nice guy, but you’d think he cured cancer by the way the judges rave over him. Scott sings “And So It Goes” and has a good voice. The judges all like it, and I’m not going to write cheap jokes about a blind guy. But I’m sure American Idol will show us more about his “inspirational journey” to make himself a lot of money in Hollywood. It’s almost as bad as the people who say they want to go on Idol to “share my gift with the world.” Every contestant on this show just wants to become famous and at least Bikini Girl admits it. But good for Scott for leading what seems like a very fulfilling life with a handicap.

Tomorrow, we’re going to Kansas City, home of bad combovers and faux rockers. Lil Rounds will be there, as well as Michael Castro (Jason’s brother). Maybe Beasty Castro will be there too to pimp out her other son on the hunt for free laptops. Hopefully the episode will be better than this one, because seriously, that was one terrible premiere.

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