Best of the Rest – Danny Noriega is the great VFTW hope.

Ryan calls the show The Best of the Rest. I call it We Wasted Your Time Before, Here’s More of the Same Crap to Sell Extra Commercials Because We’re Greedy. You know, either works though, it might just be a semantics issue. Though one diamond shines through the shit pile with fabulous tenacity: the brilliant Danny Noriega.

But before we get to Danny, we have to suffer through Luke Reeder screaming and Victor Villegas sounding like a sheep. It’s going to be a long hour.

The first good singer of the night, Amy Davis immediately hits us with her sob story. This show seriously has become Queen for a Day, hasn’t it? Has anyone gotten through without a sob story this year? It’s seriously a requirement. If your dad dies you get a ticket to Hollywood. Anyway, Amy’s lame story says that she grew up “lower than lower middle class” (that’s called poor, sweety). Her mom worked 2 jobs and was a single parent, so Amy wants to make a quick buck with a hit album on Idol, only to be dropped by her record label a year later a la Taylor Hicks. She sings “Blue Bayou” and the judges aren’t feeling her song choice. She also stupidly admits she’s half Japanese. Don’t admit that, Amy. This show is racist against Asians, haven’t you read my recaps or watched more than 5 seconds of the show? The producers probably had the “inoffensively pretty cannon fodder” box checked off but then changed it to “Asian cannon fodder”. Oh well, it’s too late now. Either way, she’s cannon fodder for the voting rounds unless she sucks hardcore and we support her.

Carrying on the tradition of stupidly mixing reality television with religion, Tiffany McCambell says that the Holy Spirit told her to audition for Idol. That wasn’t the Holy Spirit, Tiffany. The Holy Spirit was off curing hunger in some third world country. The person who told you to try out was a mean friend named Holly Spirot, who was standing over you while you slept. It’s easy to mix those two up though. When Tiffany tells Randy that her voice came from God, God immediately flew down from the heavens, struck her dead, and said to the audience, “There. That will teach you all for acting like I care about what happens on these horrible reality shows.” Then he took away Paula’s booze and flew away quickly so he could make it to Paradise Hotel 2 in time to strike down the next person who uses the excuse “God made me” when asked why they slept with the other people on the show and gave them all gonorrhea. Needless to say, Tiffany sucked and wasn’t worth writing about.

Speaking of people who aren’t worth writing about, Cory and Chris Lane are twins who have both dated the same Interchangeable Blonde Whore, Ashley Lawing. The twins tell the judges that they want to give the Brittenum twins a run for their money, but instead do a poor Blake Lewis impersonation and forget the words to their lame rap. Ashley isn’t much better, but her 6 month old Pomeranian is cute. Someone needs to take that dog away from her, as I’m sure she uses it as the latest fashion accessory and will abandon it in the woods when it doesn’t match her latest outfit. The only ray of hope while she sings “Black High Heels” (yes, she changed the words to Kellie Pickler’s song) is that the two twins mock her relentlessly in the hallway, telling us that they told her she was good so she would try out and embarrass herself. Guess who’s not getting any tonight, boys?

After that debacle, we get to meet Cardin McKinney, internet sensation. This girl had a billion page thread over at the scary Idol Forums before the show even started, because the tweens loved her for some reason. She’s a server at a fondue restaurant who decides to sing “One Night Only.” She actually has a good voice, but she’s overdoing it and goes off key with the screaming. It’s the same story as Ramiele and Syesha. When will these girls learn to control their voices? Simon doesn’t think that Cardin is a contemporary recording artist, which apparently is an insult today even though he loved Kristy Lee Cook who was a “60’s throwback.” Paula calls her voice “mature.” Paula also thinks the word “mature” means drunk because the 18 year old contestants call her that when she hits on them. The judges all say yes and Cardin calls it the best moment of her life. I’m sure when she’s cut from the top 50, she’ll call it the worst moment of her life. So many highs and lows in one year, huh?

Cardin was just the next in a long line of skinny minnies, so we need a fatty to round out the cast. Meet JoAnne Borgella, a plus sized model and one of the plants. She has sung with Patti Labelle and won Monique’s FAT Chance beauty pageant. But because she was slightly more forthcoming about her plantiness, I don’t hate her. JoAnne didn’t see plus sized models growing up (how could you miss them? *rimshot*), so she wants to represent that she’s proud of the way she looks. And she is a pretty girl. The song she chooses isn’t so pretty (who has ever heard of “I Love You” by Celine Dion?). Though her voice is different. I was expecting screechy diva, but her voice is more pleasant sounding with a but of screechy diva mixed in for good measure. Simon says no and seems annoyed (hey, possible VFTW points there) and the other two buffoons tell her to come back to Hollywood with different songs. So she’s through. She’s actually one of the only likeable people this year who seems like a fun person. This means she is currently a VFTW enemy. But we’ll see what the future holds.

The last Interchangeable Blonde Whore of the auditions is Alesha Stelzl. She has been singing since she was 8, and claims she is born to do this. Aren’t we all? I was born to be a multimillionaire with his own private island. Does that mean I can just have that? I need to start throwing around “I was born to do this” more often. Maybe when I go to McDonalds, I can just take my food and say “I was born to not pay for this.” It seems to work on Idol, why not in real life? The girl sings “Surrender” by Celine Dion and her voice is like a weird cartoon character. But that’s not to say it’s bad, it’s just really odd. I heard a good voice in there somewhere. Simon says it was an absolutely dreadful audition with notes all over the place. Paula liked her voice and Randy says she should have sung a Dolly Parton song. To humor his lackeys, Simon tells Alesha to learn a Dolly Parton song and come back. Here we go again.

During the commercial break, The Moment of Truth is proud to advertise that someone calls the show “cringe-inducing television”. Since when is that something to be proud about? Oh wait, I’m watching Fox. Carry on.

After the commercial, Alesha goes back in to sing “Islands in the Stream.” And low and behold, she sounds way better. Seriously, like tons better. Paula Abdul was right about something. This is probably the only time I will ever admit that in my blog, so eat it up you filthy boozehound. She gets to go to Hollywood, and I would be cheering her on as the VFTW pick, but we all know she doesn’t make it to the voting.

After that, we get to sit through Brandi Gregorie strippimg for Simon and Charles Leviner swearing at the judges. I do both while watching the show. I feel that if I take off my clothes and swear a lot while watching the show, it makes me forget how bored I am. You should try it. When you can’t take any more, remove an article of clothing and scream out, “Motherfucking piece of shit show.” It makes you feel a lot better.

After getting completely naked and realizing I had to start paying attention again, I tuned back in for Joshua Mooreland, aka Jay Smoove. He calls himself an R&B recording artist that has the wow factor. He chooses to prove this with his original composition called “Beautiful Lady.” He throws glitter around and overmelismafies the song to the point of torture. Though he doesn’t have a terrible voice. Simon calls it “horribly over the top, corny, and revolting.” What a coincidence! That’s what I call Simon’s desperate attempts to pretend he’s not banging Seacrest. Randy says that Jay has a voice, but he’s not ready yet. And once he’s rejected, Simon and Ryan get into a pissing match about who should clean up the glitter on the floor. Get a room!

Thankfully because this is a montage episode, we don’t have to sit through a stupid city song. But we do get a lame montage of Simon mispronouncing everyone’s names. And wait for it, wait for it… Simon mispronounces an Asian girl’s name, because we can’t go an entire episode without an Asian joke. This is the most racist show in the history of television. I am going to protest by voting for the worst. Oh wait, I already do that. Whatever.

Another name no one can pronounce is Chikezie Eze (Chick-EE-zee EH-zee). He tried out last year, but Randy wasn’t feeling him. He sings “All The Woman I Need” and he has a very smooth R&B voice. It’s actually very Clay Aikenish. Yep, he’s the black Clay Aiken. Same exact voice, but Chikezie’s is less annoying. So basically, he’s the black Clay Aiken. To help with the tough pronunciation of his name, I will call him Blaiken. Blaiken makes it through, but someone even mispronounces his new nickname as Bacon. Randy asks where the bacon is and confusion ensues. Randy also reads from a script about diabetes for a commercial and uses words that he can’t define like “normalize.” But I guess it’s worthwhile that he’s doing something good with his pseudo-celebrity status.

Last but not least, the boy we’ve all been waiting for is here. Danny Noriega, who buckled under pressure last year, is back. Rumor has it that he was best friends with Sanjaya during Hollywood week. Can it be any more perfect? I think not. Danny is probably the gayest gay that ever gayed on this show, and VFTW loves flamboyance, so we love Danny. This year he sings “Proud Mary” (excellent VFTW song choice) and embraces his inner flame while singing, snapping, and making diva-like gestures. Seriously, I love this kid. He also makes for good screencaps with his funny facial expressions. Danny, you are the great VFTW hope. Do not let us down. The judges all cream themselves over his audition (minus one VFTW point, but still…) and he makes it to Hollywood.

Ryan ends the episode by saying, “Those are the auditions this year and they never disappoint. Do they?” Yes. Yes, they do, Ryan. They always do. I want to cut myself. But instead, I can look forward to Hollywood week, where the drama is always delicious! We see Danny messing up in the previews, leading to Simon scolding him. Sweet! And Josiah starts crying again. Seriously, Josiah. Stop crying so much. It’s OK. This show isn’t that great or important. But I’m ready for the Hollywood drama after these shitty auditions, so bring it on!

In another strange coup, Idol showed us ALL 12 of the females who make it into the top 24. We saw all of their auditions. On the other hand, we only saw 6 of the top 12 guys. This leads me to believe Idol wants a guy winner (one of the 6) and could care less which girls advance so they showed them all. Mark that one down.

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