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Want to Make it on American Idol? You Better Have a Sob Story
‘Road to Hollywood’ Episode Recap – The Victoria Beckham Blooper Reel
The last audition episode was a compilation of the auditions that Idol hasn’t shown yet. So instead of cutting “Pants on the Ground” and the singing football player out of the episodes to fit these people in, Idol created another episode. Just what I needed. Honestly, I am so over these auditions. Idol promises me that they’ve saved the best for last. If that’s the case, this is going to be one long ass season. Tonight, Victoria Beckham was actually more interesting than half of the contestants. And when that happens, it’s time to cancel the show. Seriously.
Denver Audition Recap- Unlike Idol, This Blog Will Save You From Corporate Hell
I had little to no hope for the Denver audition episode. First, Victoria Beckham came back to blend into the wallpaper. Then Ryan Seacrest reminded me that Daughtry tried out in Denver, but has gone on to have twenty #1 hits. Wait, what the fuck? How is that even possible? I just checked Wikipedia and the guy has 2 albums with 12 songs each. So all but 4 of the songs he’s ever released are #1 hits? Does this show even remotely care about telling the truth anymore? Denver did produce some good VFTW potential, and the auditions are almost over (finally), so I can’t be too hard on the show.
Who am I kidding? Time to tear Idol a new one, Denver style.
Dallas Auditions Recap - One Man Boob Out the Door, One More To Go
In Dallas, Simon and Randy complain that they’d like to have Richard Simmons and Clint Eastwood judge. Well I want Whitney Houston (on crack) to judge. You can’t always get what you want. Neil Patrick Harris is a good guest judge though, but anything is a let down after fiery Katy last night. Neil proclaims that his “goal today is to shatter the dreams of thousands. If I can make two or three dozen cry, I’ll feel like I’ve done my job.” Now that’s what I like to hear! Team NPH!
Los Angeles Auditions Recap - "Please Stop, I'll Have to Throw My Coke in Your Face"
One quick question before I begin. In Los Angeles, does “You’re going to Hollywood!” actually mean anything? I mean, the show probably films right down the street from the Hollywood location. Why would you get upset if the judges don’t select you to go to Hollywood? Take a step outside, realize your dream, then go back to flipping burgers. That said, Avril Lavigne proved pretty useless except that I laughed at her devil horn hoodie, but Katy Perry brought enough Worster spirit in large quantities that the episode was saved.
Orlando Audition Recap - Weakest Sob Stories Ever
The Orlando auditions brought some of the weakest sob stories yet. If you thought asthma and divorce were pathetic last night, wait until you get a load of these guys. It’s like American Idol 9 is the search for the world’s lamest hard-luck story. Next week on Idol: Mike Jones just wants a shot on Idol, but one thing has been holding him back. You see, just last week, Mike got a papercut. And he’s been living with the reality of this situation ever since. He’s tried bandaids. He’s tried Neosporin. It.Just.Won’t.Heal. But I digress. Orlando had some good moments and a bevy of likeable contestants (VFTW and otherwise), so it wasn’t a total bust.
Chicago Auditions - Talk About Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
Chicago is the birthplace of VFTW, and sure enough, the Chicago auditions were by far the worst of the bunch so far. I made sure to make a few phone calls to ensure that the talent pool was incredibly low, and I did a better job than even I thought I could. Of course, even I can’t be blamed for Idol asking everyone to chant “Yes, we can” Obama style. Yes we can indeed waste an hour of our time watching 4 monkeys bicker about who gets to win a karaoke contest. Kara also says she’s going to stalk guest judge Shania Twain, because there isn’t room for two useless hookers on the judging panel, and she’s afraid Shania’s going to steal her shtick. But Chicago is a place where we all have big egos and we’ll tell you to fuck off if you question us. Idol did get that part right. Now enjoy a nice big piece of deep dish pizza and read along to find out why Chicago isn’t really Idol’s kind of town.
Atlanta Auditions - Pants on the Ground and Skii Bo Ski for Cereal
I’m cynical of American Idol. This is a fact. The show normally sucks ass and I complain about having to watch it. But honestly, I enjoyed tonight’s episode. It was so ridiculous and full of VFTW potential, I had to put a smile on my face. Either American Idol is playing to the Worsters or they’re desperately looking for water cooler talk. Either way, keep it up. We had the terrifically understated Mary J. Blige as a guest judge, we had scores of Interchangeable Blonde Whores who couldn’t sing yet still made it to the next round, and we had “Pants on the Ground”. What more can you ask for?
So you want to get onto American Idol? Nowadays, singing talent doesn’t matter. The only way to secure your spot on the show is to have a sob story. American Idol didn’t start out this way, but it has devolved into Queen for a Day for the new Millennium. By season 9, the celebrity judges won’t even see you unless you have 3 dead relatives, incurable cancer, and a near death experience. If you want to be taken seriously and make it all the way to the top 12, you need to divulge as much as you can about the tragedy that is your life. So what if your life is actually good and you don’t have something awful to share? You might think you need to stay home. But fear not. Vote for the Worst has produced the guide to the 10 tearjerkers that American Idol loves to utilize. And we’ve even ranked them in the order that they’re most likely to get you on the show. We’re givers like that. So pick one of these gems, fake it, and watch as the American Idol judges eat out of the palm of your hands.