Canadian Idol 6, Top 16 (Part 1) - "Theme: Bore Me To Death"

VFTW’s favorite show is back and we’re giddy in anticipation as we await an unprecedented slaughter as six fame whores will have their dreams crushed this week. And Canadian Idol’s ready to shift modes, from freakish to boring, as this is the week VFTW’s favorite contestants always get cut. But VFTW has teamed up with Newfoundland and Chubarama as we all await a performance, or perhaps a song choice, from Mark Day that screams I Love VFTW!

Ben’s back and he’s wearing a grape-colored hankie in honor of VFTW’s Giant Grape Mark. It’s music to my ears as he says there are only eight performances tonight but who can trust Ben after lying to us like his father that there was a Top 22. He tells us we’ll be meeting the special ten this Wednesday who'll have the honor of getting all of VFTW’s individual attention for the next two months. Farley says the cream is rising to the top, but it’ll sink back to the bottom as these Idols will become obese on Kraft Dinner. Jake says that the Idols need to give that performance that’ll make people vote, so Mark better be ready to Dance! Dance! Dance!

We seem to be going in order of ugliest contestant as Martin Kerr’s first. He’s doing Fix You by Coldplay but looks more like a Coldsore. He has no guitar tonight, which at least hid 20% of his hideous body, but now his full freakiness is exposed for everyone to see, fortunately on the week of Canada’s greatest slaughter. He’s singing ok but there’s just nothing there, as opposed to a Sanjaya, who’s not singing ok but there’s much there! Martin ends his performance with what isn’t so much of an eye-fuck a la Constantine but more of a Toad Stare. Jake says Martin has no star power or, if you prefer, is far too ugly to make it. Zack tells Martin You’re not the next Canadian Idol, and the only thing uglier than Martin’s face is his attitude as he snottily responds Neither are you.

Theo Tams is next and just in case VFTW is all distracted with the rumors of him being alcoholic, a pot head and his severe case of backne, reminds us all that he’s still gay with his choice of Bubbly by Colbie Caillat. And Theo’s taking my comment last week about his back fat hanging off the piano stool too seriously as he’s given it up for a guitar, with no back camera shots, thank you very much. And Theo’s really feeling Colbie as his singing’s much worse than usual tonight. He’s re-arranged the song, answering the question if there’s anyway to present Colbie Caillat which isn’t dreadfully boring.

Tiffani Amberly Thiesson’s next and she’s been anxiously awaiting this week’s theme as she a lock to ace it. She’s doing You And I Both by Jason Mraz and for the first time this season is deserving the flattering comments of looking like Carly Rae Jepson. But she’s also deserving the extremely insulting comments of sounding like Carly Rae, as the missed notes are coming too quickly for me to keep count. Zack says the Contestants go through a growth curve but one thing that won’t be growing is Amberly’s self-esteem as Zack attacks her wardrobe tonight, this from a grown man wearing a hideously decaled white shirt over a black baseball shirt. The judges are starting to get bored with Amberly but the excitement’s coming as Ben tells us that coming up, it’s Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrieeee Pierrrrrrrrreeeee Bellllllllllrrrrrooooooooooooose!

Adam Castelli’s next and he’s a fine example of how contestants can come off very differently during auditions and the Top 200 than when the performance shows begin. Adam played it smart in the Top 200…he was such a whiny crybaby titty-sucking bitch, we hardly noticed what a talentless fuck he is. But now it’s time to sing and Adam has plenty of reason to bitch after the three hideous performances he’s given us, including tonight’s If I Were A Carpenter.

And Ben’s back to introduce our next performer and just in case we wondered if he saw the video VFTW made of how he over-pronounciates French names like a jackass, he gleefully screams it’s time for Marrrrrrieeeee-Pierrrrre Belllllrrrrrooooooooose! And he says it like it’s his last chance, which it will be as she’s a goner this week, but only before he has a couple of more chances to sabotage her chances tonight. Marie’s doing Piece Of My Heart and is expertly using the band to cover all the missed notes she couldn’t hit if she lived for another 1000 years. It’s impossible to make out anything with all the screaming but one thing that can be heard loudly and clearly is her shout-out to VFTW as she slips in a ‘chile at the end of a song!

Omar Lunan’s next and he may be taking a look ahead to his fate on Wednesday as he’s singing If Tomorrow Never Comes. And while Mark will shortly be intentionally bringing all the elements that VFTW loves, Omar is unintentionally bringing them right now as his goat vibrato is being punctuated with falshitto. And Omar’s singing is so off that it’s not only making the singers and guitars go out of tune, it’s also somehow making the piano and drums go out of tune too. Farley says Omar needs to squeeze every bit of man juice out, but he’s all out after rooming with this year’s crop of males for three weeks. And Zack is as energetic as Omar’s brother as he says I just don’t care. But Omar’s brother is the lucky one as he doesn’t have to see the revolting scene of Omar senselessly rubbing Ben’s face in front of the entire nation.

But we have to see even more disgusting face rubbing as it’s time for a segment with Gillette where they’re teaching our remaining 16 contestants how to somehow control their monstrous eyebrows and coif their vaginas. Katherine’s there and she’s told she’d get some secret tips if her ass were sticking around for more than another 48 hours. Gary has tricky areas to shave, tricky because he has to look at his disgusting face in the mirror while doing it. Oliver comes in, we get a quick look at his eyebrows, and he suddenly disappears as Gillette knows they have no product which’ll get his birdnests under control.

This Gillette segment is unbelievably lame as this spot is usually saved for the fabulousness of CI Tranny Hairdresser! There’s only one thing that can make up for this lack of fabulousness…one giant, chubby Newfie Grape, as it’s time for VFTW pick Mark Day! Mark has been gradually warming up to VFTW as last week he added some dancing to his already fabulous repertoire of Chubby Newfiness. But this week it’s crucial that he steps up to the VFTW plate as he’ll need our votes more than ever. And just in case there was any doubt, Mark forever ties his fate to VFTW’s as he does our theme song, Against All Odds, a song that has given VFTW so many fantastically horrific performances over the years. And the tradition continues as Mark’s giving us a performance that makes one dream about what it would be like if Scott Savol were a gay chubby teen from Newfoundland. But this is not a dream Worsters (at least I don’t think it is) as Mark Day is sealed as one of the great VFTW picks ever, once again giving us a performance that can consolidate VFTW like only the finest papaya can. Zack says If someone gave me your album, I’d use it as a coaster for my drink, and VFTW pisses in that drink as no one can insult our boy. Jake hits way below the belt, saying Mark would be better off on Broadway. While I expect Jake and Zack to be douchebags, Sass and Farley also attack Mark, making it clear that Producer John Brunton is trying to counter VFTW’s power and has instructed his lackey judges to try to get Mark eliminated. But Mark has embraced his full Worsterness and gives a big middle finger to CTV by saying See ‘ya next week!

Mookie Norris is next and it’s the most useless pimp spot ever as anything he does will pale in comparison to the fabulousness that has just preceded him. He’s doing Mark Ronson’s version of Valerie. While he’s bringing all the drunken dancing VFTW loves like Taylor Hicks, Mookie doesn’t look like some drunken Grandfather as he’s bringing a pretty contemporary performance. But then the pendulum swings back VFTW’s way as we see he’s wearing the all-time I’m A Loser t-shirt meant to look like a shirt and tie.

We end with the recrap and I give the contestants an A+++ in capturing this week’s theme. And tomorrow’s theme is Shit as Ben tells us both Pigotts will be performing. But all of this is foreplay as VFTW opportunistically waits until Wednesday when we’re going to see a slaughter of an unprecedented proportion! Brunton and CTV have had it with VFTW controlling their show (and their message board, apparently) and have paid off the judges to sabotage our pick Mark Day. But we’ve pooled our money, resources and power and will be giggling like chubby Newfies taking their first taxi ride as we get Mark to the Top 10, along the way to him becoming the next Canadian Idol!

STP (smarterthanpickler)

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