Final 7 -- Movie Mega-Cheese*

Soporific 7 -- Movie Mega-Cheese*

*Also the title of Mike from MST3K's book about horrible movies, the EXACT kind of movies that are represented tonight.

And for no reason at all Quentin Tarantino is there.  The whole time I felt like he kept wanting to add a movie plug.  "You should sing that part louder... oh, and Inglorious Basterds is coming SOON to a theater near you."  "Pump your fist when you sing that part... And go see Inglorious Basterds.  I directed it, and shit."  The entire show I kept asking myself, "What does Tarantino know about singing?"  But then I quickly remembered that Randy, Simon and Paula don't know diddley about music either, so he's as good a mentor as any.  Maybe he hired great music supervisors to give the Idols' advice.

To add further enjoyment to my night, because I like the show more when it sucks harder, every SINGLE song was some schmaltzy love ballad from an equally horrible big Hollywood steaming turd movie.  You know, the EXACT SAME movies that Quentin was counter-programming for.  Also, none of the other Guest Mentors ever show up, but Quentin was there the whole time in the front row, politely clapping.  I guess he's got nothing better to do.  

Anyhow, Quentin made the show entertaining, which is the minimum standard I ask from any of the Guest Mentors.  And because the Producers can't concoct an hour of TV without wasting 20 minutes of show, they limit the judges to only two Judges' comments per singer.  They really need to consider doing this every week, because Simon's looks of frustration about not getting to speak were hilarious.  

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Allison Irehata -- "Don't Want to Miss a Thing", A.K.A. the theme song from that goddamn asteroid movie.  

Allison sang it because Idol is contractually obligated to have someone abuse this song every season.  Oh, and Allison does ABUSE it.  Allison seemed extra timid and mumbling, as if she didn't know the song at all.  She sings most of it in her bad low register and then randomly shouted out a glory note near the end.  This was Allison's worst performance by far.  Mixing a dreary song with a completely disconnected Allison.  So naturally the judges loved it.  Simon in particular calls Allison the ONLY credible female singer left in the competition.  How's that for throwing our newly anointed Worst, Diamond Lil under the bus.

GRADE: D -- With the Curtain Jerker slot Allison might be in danger.

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Anoop De-Snore -- "Everything I Do (I Do It For You) by Bryan Adams after a lobotomy.   

Anoop has had his nut-sack permanently removed, because this was a horribly mild performance.  It's nearly impossible to connect to this cheeseball song, but when Anoop changes the melody to AVOID going for the big dramatic swell in the bridge you have to wonder if this guy is allergic to excitement.  His performance went nowhere, giving us an emotional journey from Point A to Point A.  Anoop gives a third grade recital performance.  

GRADE: FAIL -- If that doesn't send Anoop home then nothing will.  Simon gives Kara a winning eye-roll at her inanities.  
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Adam Glambert -- "Born to Be Wild" by Steppenwolf.

Glambert sings the song dressed and acting like Kinickie from Grease.  This photo sums up the sentiment exactly.  http://www.imdb.com/media/rm358979584/ch0006433
He's over the top and theatrical, and throws in half a dozen Axl Rose shrieks.  But we all knew that would happen.  This was like chanelling a song from the '60s as a '70s musical performed by Jeff Conaway coked to the gills.  What I love about Adam is that he can take any cheesy Idol song and glam it up.  It's a remarkable talent, really.  

GRADE: B -- Not up to his best moments, but good enough to win tonight.

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Matt Giraud -- "Have You Really, really REALLY loved a Woman?"  by Bryan Adams (of course.  Because there are NO movie theme songs that Bryan Adams couldn't wussify.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mac_Tonight.PNG

Quentin tells Matt to work on his enunciation, so of course Matt doesn't.  Instead, he decideds to dress like that creepy Mac Tonight moon guy and channel the cheesey piano singer inside him.  Matt more or less hits the notes, but he's really over the top and trying too hard.  He's out of breath by the end.  Matt is merely a middling talent.  He's a good piano bar singer, but he's lacking chutzpah and star appeal.  Unlike say, that Mac Tonight moon guy.  THAT guy's gonna be a star.

GRADE: C -- While Kara blathered on for about 20 minutes Simon kept making gagging faces, which were pretty funny.  Or was he making blowjob faces because that's what Kara REALLY thinks about Matt?  Either way it was hilarious.  Simon has no respect for Kara.  But then, nobody else does either.
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Danny Gokey -- "Endless Love" by Lionel Richie -- because there really aren't any worse songs that he could've sang, are there?

Despite only having one hour, and they already killed 15 minutes at the top of the show, the producers STILL make time for their anointed Golden Boy to do one of those pointless Seacrest on-the-stool interviews.  You see, Gokey bought a guitar because he was "bored."  Apparently learning three new songs a week (one for performance, one for group synch and one for car commercial) learning stupid dance moves, doing endless press junkets and rehearsals just isn't ENOUGH to keep the preternaturally talented Gokey occupied.  So he bought a guitar.  Is he going to ever play this guitar on the show?  No, of course not.  So WHY THE HELL DID WE WASTE 3 MINUTES TALKING TO THIS ASSHOLE ABOUT IT?!?!?  

This was as dreary and listless as you would imagine from a horribly boring singer doing Lionel Richie.  The song picks up a little at the end when Danny does his de rigeur raspiness with the big finish and the glory note, but this was a pretty poor performance.  At least he wasn't wearing stupid glasses.  Instead his beady little eyes were squinting the whole time.  Dude, put back on the glasses, I understand now.

Oh, and apparently this song has some meaning to Danny and his Dead Wife, because he gives a nod towards Heaven at the end of the song.  This is remarkable because A) He really chose this cheesy song from 1981 to be "their song."  And B) He CHOSE this song out of the entire universe of cheesy sings to be "their song."  And C) He sings "their song" without an ounce of passion or conviction until the end.  So yay Gokey.  

GRADE: FAIL -- Paula blathers on with a bunch of aphorisms like she's Confucious and Simon gives her the mother of eye-rolls.  "I have no idea what you were just talking about." he bitches.  I love the idea of cutting Simon's screen time.  He's pulling out his A game for the 30 seconds of air time he's getting.  It's pretty awesome.
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Kris Allen -- "Falling Slowly" from Once, by that Irish dude with the hole in his guitar.

Kris picks a contemporary song.  Sure it's just as cheesy as "Everything I Do" but at least it's from a movie that came out in 2007.  It's an excellent choice, and an excellent singing exercise to fulfill the requirements of this show including liberal falsetto parts and a hyper-emotional finish.  Kris does a pretty good job, and reminds us who he is again, and how he could possibly be a contemporary recording artist.   Then the song ended and we've forgotten who he is again.

Randy doesn't like it, of course, because he's a moron.  He pretends to like the song, but he doesn't know music outside of songs sung over 1,000 times on Idol.    Kara says the song was a bit unknown compared to the other songs tonight, and that might hurt Kris.  Yeah, but the song WON A FREAKING OSCAR, on a show that was watched by 38.8 million people just two years ago.  

GRADE: B -- Kris, you should've played the guitar.  You pussed out, so you don't get the A.  

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Lil Rounds -- "The Rose" by Bette Midler.  

Man, doesn't it seem like every time we lose a wonderful Worster, our next choice is EVEN BETTER?  It's as if they save all the good craziness for when we jump on their bandwagons.  Lil is no exception.  First off, her wig is crooked.  Then she does a Bette Midler song, and has parts where she's flat, but then she launches into a gospel bit, exactly like how the judges keep telling her to do, and does the big glory note finish, just like a good little Idol.  And the judge's STILL hate it.  Simon already spelled out how the Idol Producers are done with her.  But sweet Lil finally talks back, and explains how she's a multi-facted artist.  She can sing R&B AND Gospel, and Mary J. Blige is basically an R&B/Gospel artist, and that's what the judges keep telling her what she needs to be singing every week, and how if somebody doesn't step back she's about to cut someone next week.  This exchange was pretty entertaining.  We really love Idols that talk back.

GRADE: B -- Lil's not bad, but you can see the steam coming out of her ears.  She's fed up with the show.  Lil, honey.  We all are.

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So that was Movie Songs night.  It was a mostly dull and listless bunch of songs from Bryan freakin' Adams and Lionel Richie.  I know what you're thinking, because I'm thinking the same thing.  WHERE'S THE PHIL COLLINS, bitches?

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