Episode 4: Kara Goes Horndog Over Bad Teeth

Posted by Professor Chan on January 22nd, 2009 at 12:27 AM
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It's clear after the Louisville Kentucky auditions that Kara has stolen Paula's Over-medicated-Cougar-in-Heat schtick.  Luckily for Paula she still has the Drunk and Delusional Has-Been card to play.

Who had 14 as the over-under on horse racing puns tonight?  And I completely missed 2 baseball bat puns for the parlay.
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I must be overly familiar with the Idol Terrible Singing auditions because I'm contempting the crap out of this show.  It took me a couple hours of intense calculating, but I think I've finally cracked the American Idol Code to ratings success, and I'm going to share it with you tonight: Bad singer-Good Singer-Bad Singer-Good Singer.  I know, that is brilliant in it's complexity.

1. Scary Tiffany -- Tiffany is rocking the Daytime Hooker chic.  She has frazzled blonde hair and she croaks out Mariah Carey badly.  Of course she does.  Her Rustic Mom doesn't know why the judges canned her.  "She sings concerts for me and I just melt."  Maybe Rustic Mom is deaf.  Or it could just be the sweet, sweet LSD in Louisville.  Rustic Mom's look of beatitude as Scary Tiffany destroys some more Mariah as they're taking the Family Walk of Shame is priceless.  Predictably bad... so not quite a HORRIBLY GOOD, but close.

2. Super-Plant Joanna Pacitti -- She trots out a totally bullshit story about struggling in the music industry and how she's "Just trying to make it in music."  She starts crying BEFORE she even sings.  Oh jeez, I hate me a whole load of Joanna Plant-city already.  Then in order to play off the whole "I have a long career in the music biz considering I'm only 23 years old" the Producers have Kara read off of cue cards to declare that she "knows" Joanna from her recording deal at A&M records.  The other judges ad-lib responses of surprise.  The chyron lies and gives Joanna's occupation as "unemployed."  Man, they're heaping on the manure by the truckloads here.  Joanna sings about as good as a professional "Unemployed" sings who already has several songs in big budget Hollywood movie soundtracks.  Breathy, overwrought and saccharine sweet.  "I just didn't think I'd make it" she sighs after getting her pre-planned golden ticket.  Ladies and Gentlemen, it's our Idol Plant Champion of 2009.  Let the hate begin.  Oh, and the final tally of fake cries stands at 3.

3. Matt Mudd -- He's scary and bald.  He gives off some sort of stalker-serial killer vibe and shouts his way through a country song.  NEXT!

4. Brent Keith -- Bland, handsome with a creepy, flesh-colored beard (I love you deeply "The Soup.")  Kara is so overwhelmed she announces "I'm going under the table."  And then she turns to Paula and declares: "Let's both go down..."  Then Kara has her orgasm with an exhausted "Yes, that was so exhausting."  Brent didn't really do much, but whatever floats your boat, Kara.  I'm sure it's sick and twisted whatever it is.

5. Montage of BAD singers including Goat Vibrato Girl, Lil' Fabio, Mr. Zebra and 400 Pound Michael Jackson.  MOVING ON!

6. Matt The Dueling Pianist -- Matt has a raspy voice and sings that tiresome Gavin DeGraw song.  Of course he does.  Matt's not very good but the judges rave like he IS Gavin DeGraw.  In the later celebratory montage Matt does a freakish celebratory dance that makes me hate him.

Let's see, odd number... Bad singer, right?  Yup.
7. Ross The Super Nerd -- Ross is strange but amusing and has a scientific approach to music.  He's stupdied opera in teaching himself how to sing.  Sadly, Ross can't quite study his way into singing talent or good teeth, either.  Ross is over-analytical and sings some song in a horrible basso voice.  The judges natter on for what feels like an hour, then Paula offers Ross some of her fizzy beverage for Ross' parched voice.  Ross drinks the whole cup as Paula gives him a "Don't bogart that joint" look.  Ross is the one guy on the planet that could tell us exactly what is in Paula's sippy cup and nobody bothers to ask him.  Dammit, where is crack investigator Ryan Seacrest when you need him?

Even number... Good singer?  Yes.
8. Alexis -- She's cute and perky and sings with a booming voice.  Alexis isn't terrible but she's practically shouting.  The judges love her and suggest that Alexis will "Surprise the world."  I'll be surprised if I remember who she is by the time Hollywood week arrives.  Kara's insightful singing advice to Alexis is "Don't wear pink.  Dirty it up.  Go home and make love to to your fiance... and make sure to video tape it in hi-Def so I can get every juicy detail when I watch it back for my Wednesday Orgy party later."  The last bit was implied.

9. Pumped-Up Aaron -- He's enthusiastic and shouts "Whoo!" a lot.  Aaron's kind of like a black Taylor Hicks.  Aaron declares he wants to be America's Next Top Model, and seems dazed in general. Then he shouts his way through Creedence and Clearwater's Revival that shocks Paula and makes her drop her coke straw.  Now that's some shocking shock to get Paula to do that.  For some reason the judges let Aaron down easy.  Kara has another orgasm but no happy ending for Aaron.  The weird thing with this season is that the talent level is so low that some of these crazies really seem like they'll get through to Hollywood.  

10. Rebecca the Alien Woman from "Mars Attacks." -- refreshingly they change the formula so there are two bad singers in a row.  Or not.  Just to explain Rebecca's talent level she wears one purple, leather fingerless glove, and has a wristband with Carrie Underwood song lyrics on her other hand.  She's doltish and terrible.  Then Kara out-dolts her by presuming that because it's written that Rebecca was voted "Most humorous" in her yearbook that she's joking with her terrible audition.  Sadly she's not, but Kara's too stupid to realize it.  But even so, I'm not completely convinced Rebecca was legit.  

11. Gold Ticket Montage -- Goofy Hat Elliott Wannabe - Cute Girl -- Railroad Worker Guy -- and Short, stocky cute girl.

12. Laneshe and her snaggletooth mom.  Laneshe has the sob story of the night.  You see, she's poor.  And she chose to audition for Idol instead of getting a real job, or audition for a legitimate music career.  Laneshe sings the first successful original song in Idol audition history, with lyrics like; "I love your thuggish ways."  Laneshe is cute and perky and sings well.  She'll be crushed in Hollywood.  The judges rave about her and Paula says "no" because she's high again.  But she was apparently kidding.
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So that's Louisville.  Wonderful.  In the Coming Up teaser Kara and Paula are humping each other and later Kara grabs Ryan's boobs.  So apparently she's bisexual and into S&M.  Strange.  

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		gaziza
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 6:56am
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 13 Mar 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
Here is what I thought as I watched:


Tiffany Shedd - Simon says she is like a donkey.  He's right.


Joanna Pacitti - New judge says "wait, weren't you on A&M Records?!?!"  Simon sez "OMG! what happened?"  The new idol apparently goes like this:  plant = the new sob story.  Gag.  She is very pretty and can sing well, but this is no shock since the music industry's moneymen have apparently already blown a small fortune on her.


Mark Mudd - Sings George Jones.  It is irrelevant how well he can sing.  I actually thought he started out kind of interesting in a bluegrass way and ended a mess.


Brent Keith Smith - Makes Bad Company sound alright, Kara actually suggests that she and Paula go down immediately.  Really.


Matt Giraud - Looks funny and sings oddly.  The judges like it.  Go KZoo Matt.


Ross Plavsic - Kara tries to get him to disrobe, he takes a drink from Paula's cup and can't continue.


Alexis Grace - Sounds like a white girl.  I don't know exactly what I mean by that (hey, I'm white!) but the nasally soulless Aretha sucks.  Kara tells her to go home and ride a dick.  Really.  But they put her through.


Aaron Williamson - Here to be a model.  Here is also here to sing "Creedasine Clearwaters Revival."  He screams some lyrics, Kara jumps in on backup, Randy groans along.  Even Ryan says "what the hell?"  The judges seem to be entertained, so of course they say no.


Rebecca Garcia - The judges know her from the "morning news."  I assume that means she is a plant, but it turns out she is here to butcher a song.  The judges call it a joke audition, causing a breakdown.  Kara asks someone to hit her, and nobody obliges :(


Plant montage.


Hobo daughter sits with her single mom and they cry while she rattles her bracelets on her mic.  Apparently her name is Lenesha Young.   She sings something original - get it poppin shorty with the ballers etc.  Not very original for an original but not bad.


Better than SF, but still seems less entertaining than the old way they did things, if that is saying anything.



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		runuts251
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 9:16am
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 07 Jun 2006
			
		
		
			

				

					
I can't take the audition episodes anymore. I am so sick of the lame sob stories and how they build it up through the entire horrible show. I shall rely only on this site until the voting rounds start.



__________________________

 Karaoke Gokey blows.



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		tantrum
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 9:24am
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 29 Feb 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
That was so boring I surfed online while my wife watched. I could not take it anymore. I only tuned in to the plant Joanna Pashitty. She may be a nice person and has some singing talent, but boy, she already had hundreds of chances (SEE Carly Smithson for reference). Will make top 24 on plantiness but will never win, sorry. 



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		Duke of Vandals
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 10:28am
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 13 May 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
My two cents:


Joanna Plantana:  not a particularly good singer.  I'm at least that good in the shower along with the radio, and I haven't had two record deals.  I mean, she came to this site (allegedly) to tell us how we would be amazed by her.  I'm amazed by how mediocre she was, so you got that right honey!


Ross made me reevaluate my earlier position on loving nerds.  I mean, I can dig Alex and Anoop's nerdiness, but Ross...damn.  That is a whole new level of nerd.  


I can't be the only one who took one look at Alexis Grace and said, "As long as she doesn't blow giant donkey dick, she's getting a gold ticket."  I was glad she was at least decent.  I'm sure Kara scored some major points with her when she told Alexis to go home and get some from her fiance who is in Florida.


And I, too, am really disappointed that no one took Kara up on her offer to hit her after she emotionally beat down that Rebecca chick (who was really really terrible).  After the Louieville show, I think I have it figures out.  I believe Kara is trying to out-mean Simon.  She is attempting to take his place as the Alpha-Bitch at the judges' table.  Her passive-agressiveness "Can I say something? No?  Then I'm not going to say anything ever."  (suits me fine, cunt!), her insane cat in heat act, her terrible fashion sense...it's like she's trying so desperately to stand out.  She's even more desperate than some of the auditioners.  Sad.



__________________________

When You Curse Others Those Curse Will Go Back To You , Itty It.

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As you can already tell, I am a very good insulter so I suggest leaving now before you get hurt and ashamed by my words.

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		purpledarklighter
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 10:29am
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 19 May 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
Great recap Professor Chan!

Damn I hate Joplanta with passion.



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		thepoohguy
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 11:46am
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 21 Feb 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
"Joanna Plantana"  If that name doesn't stick with her for the rest of this "competition" I think I'll fake cry myself.


That is AWESOME!



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		hardscape
		
			

				

					Posted: January 22, 2009 - 7:33pm
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 14 Jan 2009
			
		
		
			

				

					
OK, we are four shows into this season and I can not stand this Kara.  I believe she is actually meaner than Simon with her snarky comments.  People expect Simon to be critical but this woman is over the top mean at times.  I couldn't believe that she made the comment about the one girl being a joke then feigning that she misunderstood her notes.


I think Paula and the rest of the judges are a little gun shy because of Paula's suicidal stalker over the summer.  Simon started it with Matt Mudd by asking him if he was wearing a gun.  It was obviously a cell phone and it seems highly unlikely that anyone could make that type of mistake, but in Simon's defense I believe he was joking.  It was Paula's remark that was patently stupid by saying that Mudd had threatened them when he said "Be careful".


I understand that there may be a territorial/cultural gap in understanding here but the fact that this was taped months ago there was plenty of time for the AI staff to realize their mistake.  The phrase "be careful" is used in the place of "Good bye" in Kentucky and West Virginia.  So Mudd was not threatening the judges in any way, he was simply telling them to "Take care".


Paula also made some irritating comments toward the nerdy guy who drank from her straw.  I understand that she would not want to use the straw or even the cup after he drank from it but she is the one that asked if he wanted some water.  It's not like she asked "Can we get you some water?"  Paula could have simply waited for the nerdy guy to leave and asked for a replacement straw and cup rather than what she did, look over at the off camera producer and state the obvious, that he was using HER straw, as if it was the last straw in Louisville.



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		Weenrocks
		
			

				

					Posted: January 23, 2009 - 3:44pm
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 22 Feb 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
What, no jokes about Idol going to Churchill Downs because Paula was running low on horse tranquilizers?



				

				

					
				

			

				




		
		
			 
		







		writerchic16
		
			

				

					Posted: January 23, 2009 - 8:03pm
					  
				

			

				





		
			
			
			Joined: 28 Apr 2008
			
		
		
			

				

					
Auditions are so fake/built up I can't stand it.  I try to mock them to make them watchable, but I just end up changing the channel.


I watched the Joanna Plantana vid on Youtube (I agree, GREAT name!) and I couldn't take it either.  The waterworks seemed SO fake, it's like producers told her, "okay, cry when the judges say they like you."  Couldn't believe the exchange with Simon...mini-poll, is Simon 100% behind this?  He didn't seem too thrilled.  Kara says "those were real tears" like she's trying to convince the other judges.