Episode 3: "I was singing in the wrong Rectum."

So I'm dragged back kicking and screaming to Bad Singing Week #2.  [NOTE THE SARCASM]: "I am soooo excited."
I figured that since this week episodes are only an hour, that it should suck exactly half as much.  That means that Episode #4 should be an amazing extravaganza, because San Francisco day is a dud.

Is it me, or is this broadcast literally 90% commercials?  And it still stinks.  Luckily with all the commercials there is precious little time spent on bad singing for me to review.  And even fewer good singers.  But who cares about those people.  Our mission is scouting for Worsters.
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First up is Fake Laugh Girl -- She's a real character.  She comes equipped with fake laugh, weak blown kisses and her own press kit.  She's terrible but she's still better than 90% of the singers on this show.  After much debate Fake Laugh Girl is through.  Simon says: "She didn't get through on vocals."  Then why the hell is she even on a singing show?  Oh, right.  This singing star business is a crock.  At least Fake Laugh girl is terrible and entertaining.  Great, now I have to learn her name.  VFTW CONTENDER.

2. Beat Box Psycho Guy with Orange Hair -- He reminded me of that Simpson bully.  Not Hah-hah guy, the other one.  You know, the dim one with the hat.  Him.  He was better than Blake.
3. Female Hung -- She was bad, and Simon must be on his period because he bitches about her outfit.

4. Dan Hedaya Guy-- a guy with greasy hair, a plaid coat and dubious facial hair.  This guy was great.  He was a horrible singer and made great faces.  Simon questions Heday Guy's real hair color.  (See, he IS bitchy tonight.)  Dan Hedaya insists: "The curtains match the drapes" and he starts stripping down to prove it.  I found this guy entertaining but he was doomed."  Simon hates his outfit.  I swear Simon is menstruating.  HORRIBLY GOOD.

5. Family Man Jesus -- He exploits his children for stardom.  He has a high-pitched Aaron Neville skipping record voice.  His singing was blah, but since his two sons were photogenic, he's through to Hollywood.  Once again proving that Season 8 Idol producers have given up on finding actual singing talent, because nobody who gets through to Hollywood has any.  That's fine.  More Worsters for us to choose from.  Suck it Idol.  But Family Guy was BORING.

6. Rubik's Cube Guy -- he seems a little slow.  They even had to cheat an edit so he can finish his Rubik's Cube.  He can't sing at all and admits it.  But, he's from Manteca so I like him.  I grew up near Manteca.  Shows that I've come a long way.  The town name can be roughly translated s "Lard."    

7. Shiny Shirt Beret Guy -- He sings to Paula.  So you know she did him.  Randy joins in on the Paula jokes with: "She wants a baby."  And then silence...  That was an awkwardly funny Paula moment.  Not the last one of the night.

We get a Kara being irritable and emotional montage.  Yep, their periods are all in synch now.  We also get a montage of gold ticket singers but they're not given enough time to register.  

8. Akilah Larnyx Braids Woman -- Akilah seems like a crazy character from In Living Color to me.  She's got a folder full of grubby papers with her "singing" instructions.  She has an anatomy drawing to help her "sing from her genitals." She has one of those Idol booming voices with gratuitous vocal flourishes, and her original song "Make Sweet Love" was terrible, but in the way Idol loves it.  She was this close to making it to Hollywood where she would instantly become our Worst Champion.  But sadly Akilah's crazy is apparent to even the crazies who judge this show.  "I was singing in the wrong Rectum" she apologizes after butchering her second and third songs.  Paula goes on walkabout, taking Akilah by the hand to lead her to Magic Candy-Gumdrop-land.  Kara gives her a pity hug and shows her the door.  Akilah gets the last word... and probably hasn't stopped talking yet.  Nutso. HORRIBLY GOOD.

9. Crystal Meth Girl -- anorexic blonde who claims to be 28 but looks closer to 40.  She has trouble remembering who she is and what song she was planning to sing.  Simon asks if she's been drinking.  I'm asking if she's been tweaking, or at least drinking from Paula's sippy cup.   HORRIBLY GOOD.

10. Emo Jason Bateman -- He's cute and admits he was in the touring group of Wicked.  He's got a nice voice, albeit loud and over the top on Bohemian Rhapsody.  Just like we like 'em.  Kara and Paula are drooling over Emo Bateman and practically throw their granny panties at the poor guy.  Duck Jason!  Simon has his reservations despite the fact that Emo Bateman is so much better than almost all of the Hollywood-bounders this season.  Kara drools: "Sure he's theatrical.  But he's got a good voice -- That's what I'm looking for."  Um, Kara, since when?  So far all it takes was a penis and a sob story to gets a gold ticket and a messy hump in the broom closet.  Emo Jason kisses Paula's hand, but only kisses Kara's ring, because he doesn't know where her hand's been and with Dan Hedaya Guy and Rubik's Cube Guy singing earlier I'd be scared too.  Emo Jason admits that he was 8 years old when Paula was relevent.  She thinks it's a compliment.  

11. Kai The Mama's Boy -- Has the sob story of the night.  He's taking care of his ill mother -- he can only sing at night.  How many singers have gigs during the day?  Just asking.  Also, despite the fact that he cannot leave sick mama's side for one second he's got plenty of free time to spend 4 months away in Hollywood.  Simon says Kai has the personality of a ship singer.  Kai clearly thought Simon said something else much funnier.  And despite the fact that Kai has a greasy curly-fro, Don Johnson perma-stubble and no personality, Kara says he's "Sexy."  See it really only takes a penis and a dream to knock her boots.  
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Akilah the Crazy Braids Lady is the star of the night.  She gets about 20 minutes of screen time, which she deserved.  Now that her dream is crushed she can go back to her day job of begging for spare change.  Actually it wasn't a bad show... unless you like GOOD SINGING.

Tomorrow we are promised more "heart-warming stories".  Boo!

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