Episode 2: "This is very uncomfortable now."

Remember the one or two good things I said about the Idol season premier?  Well, I take it all back.  It was mostly terrible for an unnecessary two hours of bad singing, and I'm talking about the Gold Ticket winners.

This nearly interminable episode showcased everything that's bad about Idol.  Two hours of tedious bad singing, mocking of the mentally handicapped.  More bad singing.  And then just to rub it in they show us a teaser for "The Most Dramatic Hollywood Week Ever."  Which is still nearly a month away.  Man, that looked really good, and featured pretty much everybody we've seen get a ticket so far.  
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Thankfully we've got plenty of Worster talent to choose from tonight.  It's as if they let all of the water out of the Idol talent pool by season 8, and this is the crap that was left floating in puddles at the bottom.  Trust me, it's the only thing getting me through this recap.

Here's my stream-lined recap of the highlights and lowlights.  Mostly lowlights.  Okay, nearly entirely lowlights.

1. Blond girl that was bad, but in a boring way.  Next.

2. Ashley -- sucks up to Simon by singing a song he "wrote."  She even screwed up the lyrics from the chorus and they let her through.  I'll be surprised if we ever hear from her again.

3. Casey from KC -- McPhee look-a-like.  Decent singer.  Kara says "I see a package here."  What?  Casey is a dude?  First penis/transvestite joke of the season.  YES!

4. Opera Brian.  Dressed like a pro wrestler.  Not terrible enough to be funny.  Next.

5. Montage of bad singers.  Blah.  A montage of failed contestants crying.  This is not funny at all -- okay, the one girl with Fraggle hair screeching "no" over and over was pretty funny.

6. Von The Tool With The Stupid Hat -- Talks about his "strange range... for a guy."  Von does some wacky hijinx which gets me excited that he's a Worster.  Sings "Over The Rainbow."  So he's a Friend of Dorothy.  Good so far.  Has a loud voice, and he's a spazz.  Excellent.  They leave us hanging for a commercial...  And with the recap of his goofy, spastic dancing I'm already sick of Von's act.  He might suck really bad in Hollywood, though, so fingers crossed.

7. Michael Castro -- Jason's lesser talented and even dumber brother.  Seriously, between the two of them they're scratching mid-50s IQ-wise.  We waste what seems like an hour with Los Bros Castro.  Michael has a horrible pink Flock of Seagulls swoop haircut, so terrible hair clearly runs in the family.  Michael says he started singing 20 days before audition.  His voice is  really nasally, just like his brother.  Now I've wasted about an hour talking about this guy.  Goes to Hollywood, but his magic journey ends there.

8. Bald Matt -- He's an even uglier Daughtry.  But you know, less talented.  He's bald, he has a beard, he has a wife and daughter that he's singing for, and he's a welder.  He's just one humongous back tattoo of his name away from actually BEING Daughtry.  Bald Matt's singing is mediocre with moments of goodness.  He's a troll, so I like him, but then he flushes it all away by crying.  What a nancy-boy.

9. Jazz-min.  Pink hair, stupid hat, yellow teeth.  Not terrible enough to extrapolate further.

However, while we're on the subject of bad teeth, what the hell is wrong with the orthodontics industry in Kansas City?  I've seen more fangs on the contestants than on an entire season of "When Animals Attack."

10. Creepy Wrestling Screamer Girl is back, briefly.

11. Lisa Loeb Girl from Wamego, Kansas (I love that town name.)  She's decent, she's over the top with her power ballad growling, but I see VFTW possibilities.  So we'll probably never see her again.

12. Tag Team Asia and India/Rapping Duo.  One is very large, and the other can sing, beatbox and breakdance.  Whoo-hoo, a black, female Blake Lewis with a gigantic sister.  Okay, Asia/India girl has possibilities.

13. Tag Team Effeminate Bro-mates Jamar and Danny.  Jamar makes funny faces and has a pathetic one-inch fauxhawk.  His singing is barely passable for a Gold Ticket, so there is definitely VFTW possibilities.
Danny, who I officially dub "Knuckle Punch" Danny is a music teacher who can actually sing.  A rarity for Idol.  In fact he comes prepared with a sob story and dodgy facial hair.  Knuckle Punch Danny is in it to win it.

14. Montage of terrible girl singers.  Boo, I want to hear more from SnaggleTooth Girl.  I'm gonna study really hard to be a dentist and then move to Kansas City and become a millionaire.  Seriously.

15.  Anoop Dawg -- Hopefully he can work some Sanjaya magic.  He's certainly got the eyebrows, and he's entertaining.  The only funny moment of the night comes when pea-brained Simon gets stuck on the fact that Anoop's Master's Thesis in American Folklore was an essay on barbecues.  After repeating his non-joke Anoop gives Simon a "sure, whatever you say, dude" dismissal.  I like Anoop.  He sings passably well, giving us hope that he can sneak into the finals.  VFTW contender.

16. Horrible cheerleaders lead us into Andrew the ambiguously gay ice cream server.   He sings in a cheesy over the top style.  His second song is so bad Randy actually changes his 'yes' vote to a 'no.'  That was amusing.  Randy is an imbecile for even saying 'yes' in the first place.

17. Band Leader Asa -- A perky black guy who sings a Michael Jackson song decently.  Paula correctly points out that whenever an Idol sings Michael Jackson "it's usually a disaster."  Asa is overly enthusiastic and his daughter is nearly trampled during the Asa family celebration.  Asa is a VFTW contender.

18. Michael Nicewonder (no joke, that's his name.) -- a Forrest Gumpian guy with a frightful Lloyd Christmas blonde bowl cut.  Michael seems to be mentally challenged, so Simon tees off on the guy and makes him cry.  See, Simon loves to pick on the handicapped because it's easier.  He's the laziest guy making $30 mil in show business.

19. Backflip Dennis -- a kooky guy with bad teeth, bad dreadlocks, a Gumpian personality and a ton of exuberance.  He's over-excited and under-talented.  But he begs for about 20 minutes so they all give him a pity ticket to Hollywood.  I smell a VFTW Contender, baby.

20. Mia - Pink-haired and purple-lipped lady who gives a godawful Minnie Ripperton rendition and then a half-hearted "the judges suck, I'm a star" rant.  Seriously, is that the best they can do?  Even the delusional non-talents are half-assing it this year.

21. Lil Rounds -- All the Idol Pimpage for two hours and she turns out to be a less talented Fantasia clone.  Young daughter - check.  Sob story -- check.  Husband who couldn't care less that his wife is going to Hollywood... okay, that's a little different.  I kind of like Mr. Big Rounds and his complete lack of enthusiasm about being on Idol.  But I wasn't impressed with R&B diva Lil.  She's out of tune for half the song and the judges grossly heap on the B.S.-- I mean praise for about a week.  Then the show ends.  Yay.
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This was a punishing two hours.  Every commercial break I'd say some version of "Gadzooks, we still got an hour left of this crap?"  or "Holy crap, we still have 45 minutes of this crap?"

On the plus side, the expanded Hollywood week looks looks like a doozy (and takes about three weeks to play out.)

Well, only 8 more hours of this crap to go.  It'll be like watching Andy Warhol's movie "Empire."  But with less plot.
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Let's hear your thoughts on "The Most Talent-Packed Season Ever."  See, even their breathless hyperbole is half-assed and flaccid this year.

--Chan

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