Episode 1: The Idol Fall Begins, VFTW Rises.

Oh yeah, Idol is back.  And more importantly Professor Chan is back for another go-round of Idol mockery.  With 8 being my lucky number maybe this season is when VFTW hits pay-dirt and we finally get a VoteForTheWorst Idol Champion that we all can be proud of. Well, besides Taylor Hicks, of course.  Those were the days.

So for anyone who wants to know why we do what we do, just re-watch the hysterical video clip of the Archuleta fan-girls weeping when David Cook was declared the winner from last season.  That is priceless comedy.  Consider our mission accomplished once again.

Also in Ex-Idol news… Nigel Lythgoe, smarmy English ex-Idol producer did Idol adouble favor for this season. First he got unceremoniously dumped from Idol, and then he produced that horrid train-wreck World Dancing Competition, or whatever it’s called, that makes Idol seem like The Dark Knight of Reality TV.  Whew, was that show terrible.  And there was nothing else on, so I kept coming back from commercial breaks for more abuse. Thanks again Nigel for getting fired from Idol.

Now some of you may be new to our little website.  Let me give you a mini-FAQ for those joining us. 

Who am I, and why do I waste my time writing about a show I hate?  I don’t hate Idol.  I just think its self-important “Greatest Show on The Planet” rhetoric could be taken down a notch or five. 

Am I a failed singer? No. 

Do I think I can sing?  No.

Come on, not even alone, in the shower? Nope.  I have absolutely zero experience in the music industry. However, I do have years of experience working in Reality TV.  Also I’ve watched Idol for years, so I know a thing or two about the expectations for this show, expectations for reality shows in general, and I know how to write about them in an amusing manner.  Hopefully I can brighten up your day for a few minutes and make you smile…  Unlike the bloated four hour-long parade of delusional non-talents that appear on Idol for the next three weeks.

I am not a big fan of Laugh at the Slow People Audition weeks.  You’d think after 8 seasons that America would get tired of two hours of off-key singing.  But nope, apparently bad singing never loses it’s comedic appeal.  We’ll just check out the ratings in a couple weeks. 

That being said, I have to say Idol started off with a not too terrible episode.  There were none of those obvious Comedic actors pretending to be delusional non-talent singers merely to get on TV, like Princess Leia Guy last year.

And I think in response to the whole Paula Stalker fiasco that Idol has toned down the insulting comments about the delusional non-talented singers.  This is a good thing.  Simon is more amusing when he’s not taking cheapshots at women, effeminate male singers or the handicapped.

I will rate tonight’s performances on a BORING, HORRIBLY GOOD and VFTW CONTENDER scale. 

1.Twan The Afro Guy -- We suffered through 15 minutes of Idol ego stroking to get to our first bad singer and this is the best they can do?   Twan the gigantic afro-ed Michael Jackson wannabe.  He’s not funny.  And Michael Jackson imitators aren’t funny.  BORING

2.Emily Wynn-Hughes -- Twan is quickly followed up by Emily Wynn-Hughes, our first Idol Plant.  She has pink hair, lip piercings, tattoos and horrible earlobe-enlargers.  She tells the judges that she’s the lead singer of a band, and if she gets on Idol her band can’t go on it’s European tour.   So she makes it to Hollywood.  What a bitch.  Needless to say, VFTW CONTENDER #1 baby!  She sings “rock”, our favorite terrible singing genre, but not particularly well.  If she gets to the Finals there’s no way she should win.  Just how we like our Worsters.

3.Rocker Tool – He wears a “rocker” outfit straight out of a 1986 Motley Crue video.  And he’s crying before he even sings a note.  Simon calls him a sissy.  He sings terribly but instead of taking his lumps and leaving he starts the pathetic spiral of begging to try again, weeping and still more begging.  Awesome.  Paula recommends that he try to get his band together before declaring himself a “rock star.”  Who’s gonna be in this guy’s band?  He’s a total pussy.  HORRIBLY GOOD

4.J.B. Eyebrows – He has a tired Boy Band singing style that predictably gets him to Hollywood, and he has absolutely no chance of advancing further.  BORING. 

5.Sweaty Guy Gurr – Looks like Emo Toby Maguire’s scary younger brother from Spider-Man 3.  He sings in a high-pitched, breathy Archuleta style, but you know, better.  AND he sings a Kara DioGuardia song. They make this guy sing three songs tonight and it’s torturous, and funny.  HORRIBLY GOOD.

6.Fairly good montage of Mullet Guy singing Bon Jovi, Celine Deion-singing dweebwith glasses, and Shirley from “What’s Happening” singing something badly.

7.X-Ray, some fool with a Jherri Curl and goofy dancing.  He could’ve been a contender if he sanga lot worse, or a lot better. BORING.

8.Arianna the Perky School Girl – Sings in typically affected Idol style on a Corrine Bailey Ray song.  She goes to Hollywood.  She’s not bad, but…BORING.

--Ooh, hey, it’s “Climb The Frosty Mountains” guy in a clip from last year.  I never get tired of seeing that guy.

9.Barry White Dude – guy with a deep voice gets mocked, sings Barry badly.  Seriously people, 8 seasons in, you’re trying out for Idol, did it ever occur to you to take a singing lesson or two? BORING.

10.Pink Cowboy Hat Girl – has a folder of original songs she wrote, so of course she sings a horrible non-original dance hit.  Her nasally singing is really painful, but she’s notfunny.  BORING.  But then she starts begging for anotherchance, and it gets awkward.  So I’ll bump it up to HORRIBLY GOOD.

11.Girl Named Stevie – She’s perky and mediocore and goes to Hollywood.  BORING.

12.Roughneck Guy – He’s manly, he works on an oil drill and he sings okay but only has a three note range.  With rugged good looks and absolutely no musical range I’ll say he’s a VFTW CONTENDER.

13.T&A Girl – For a “family show” they hit the T&A factor hard, teasing this girl in four or five “Coming Up Next” teasers, and numerous ass close-ups.  And she’s not even that hot.  Our VFTW Champion Antonella Barba would whip her slutty ass.  T&A Girlsings off-key for a while, but then the Awesomeness is Brought.  Kara DioGuardia starts feeling intimidated by Bikini Girl’s so-so singing talent and boney keyster so she starts Over-Singing her. Bikini Girl actually holds her own with DioGuardia, thereby shaming Kara on her Idol premier. Simon insults Kara’s singing so Paula jumps up all “No he di’nt” and eggs Kara on to further embarrassment. It’s a Celine Dion-esque Diva Screeching Duel and it’s awesome.  Then Randy and Simon, the horny old codgers, pass Bikini Girl on to Hollywood, thereby flushing the last vestiges of Idol credibility down the toilet.  Awesome.  The season isn’t one hour old and it jumped the shark.  HORRIBLY GOOD.  As if it couldn’t get any more unsettling Bikini Girl French-kisses Ryan, who couldn’t look more in pain.  Honey, he’s not your type.  Now if you had a Magnum P.I. mustache…

14.Sexual Chacolate – He can’t sing, but to continue the downward spiral of Idol on it’s very first show Paula and Kara show that sexual harassment is an equal opportunity abuse as they ooh and ahh at Chacolate’s muscular back tattoo, and comment on the misspelling. BORING.

15.Brianna The Peppy Girl – She sings okay, teaches line dancing to some wannabes and her lack of bikini nearly keeps her out of Hollywood.  We’d vote for her, and her Grand Canyon forehead crease.  VFTW CONTENDER.

16.Deanna Pickler-Overmyer – Hick Girl with a bad blonde dye-job who sings rock in a gravelly voice.  She’s going to Hollywood.  We’ll vote for her.  VFTW CONTENDER. 

17.Cody Noriega – He could be Danny Noriega’s slightly less effeminate brother.  He likes making horror videos about clown-masked slashers. And he sings well.  VFTW CONTENDER.

18.Alex from Studio City – A Kevin Covais-like sarcastic dork who sings well.  He’s a spazz, so of course he’s a VFTW CONTENDER.

Andfinally –

So that’s the show.  We got a couple VFTW Contenders, some funny awful singers.  And Ryan kissed a girl.  All in all a decent show.

See you tomorrow.

Chan

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Professor Chan For Questions, Comments, Fan Mail --