Professor Chan's blog
Idols 7: Not Up To The "Glitter" Standard of Badness... Sadly.
Final 7: Is Johns Gone? I Forgot He Was Still On The Show.
Random thoughts on Idol Gives Back and Michael “Jerk-off” Johns getting the boot.
-- With the exception of last week’s bluesy Dolly performance, Michael Johns seemed to be phoning in his entire run on Idol. Supremely confident, he was content to sing stadium rock anthems and hit a couple high notes and flash his Aussie grin to get by. He seemed to be on cruise control, not really taking any risks, always choosing safe, popular songs and then presumably he would turn it on during a stretch run that never happened. Way to motivate, dude. I hope the rest of your career continues with a similar lack of urgency and effort. We’ll be seeing you on Hollywood Squares 2009, or Celebrity Competitive Eating in 2011.
Final 8: Inspiring Me To Barf
Brought to you by Paula’s Boobs.
Howdy Class,
Just another week on Idol. Bad singing, inane Randy criticisms, Paula’s bosoms are squirting out of her shiny top. And the Idols sing songs that make me sick.
I’m debating whether I should review Idol Gives Back tomorrow. On one hand it will suck really bad, which will give me plenty of comic ammunition, but on the other hand it will suck really bad... for 3 hours. So I’m on the fence. I’ll probably watch it with heavy fast-forwarding. Really heavy. And booze. Lots of booze.
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Michaell Johns
Song: “Dream On” by Aerosmith
Final 9: Seacrest proves he's not gay by pointing out Kristy's French pedicure.
Some scary monster ate Dolly Parton and stole her wig and started doling out southern-cooked homilies to the contestants. Seriously, what happened to Dolly? I know the answer, but still, it is disturbing. Just grow old gracefully Dolly, we don’t want to see you singing out of the side of your cheek.
Sadly, Dolly’s horrifying visage was the most interesting part of the show. My drug of choice for watching Idol is beer. But I’m going to switch to crystal meth or something just to stay awake through these damn things. Seriously, people. Pick up the energy maybe a notch or 14 so I don’t fall asleep at 8:45 every week.
CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!! Season 7 Vs. Season 4
Season 4 is really only remembered for Farmbot Vs. Bo Bice. Nobody else makes an impression in my data banks. But look a little closer and we're reminded that this was also the season when VFTW went mainstream, when our proud Worster Scott Savol upset the fan favorite Constantine Maroulis and finished in 5th where he had no business being. 4th Place Anthony “Tracheotomy Scar” Federov also had no business flirting with winning this show.
Final 10: The "Most Creative" lie is the new "Most Talented Singers Ever" lie.
Howdy Class,
Welcome back to Idol: Songs From the Year That You Were Born. Or rather 90 minutes of redundant music that we’ve either heard before on Idol or never wanted to (I’m looking at you Archuleta.)
But before the fun and games I wanted to say that our beloved Carly Smithson, nee Hennessey has indelibly placed her stamp on pop music history. She reached #15 on Blender magazine’s list of Worst Recording Industry Blunders, when she was given $2.2 Million to make an album and it sold 378 copies. Man, $2.2 Million in her pocket and she’s out here trying to get on Idol? Inflation is a bitch.
You can see the whole entertaining list here:
http://www.blender.com/articles/default.aspx?key=18696&pg=1
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Idol CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!!
Idol CAGED DEATH MATCH 2008!!!
I’m sick and tired of this “Greatest Top 24 Ever” B.S. that Idol keeps repeating like a mantra. It’s the old theory of propanda which states that if you repeat a lie often enough then it becomes the truth.
So I decided to do something about it. I’m pitting the Top 10 of Season 7 against each of the 6 other seasons in a no holds barred Cage Match to see which is the GREATEST IDOL SEASON EVER!!!
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Yeah, I know, this sounds like a stupid idea, and it is. But I’m not one to shy away from stupid ideas. Last season I suffered through a horde of Idol produced albums to see how bad they really were. And boy, they were HORRIBLE!
Idol Final 11: Like a Visitor Who Just Won't Leave, It's Beatles Night Part 2.
It's like the producers are punishing us for liking their show.
You’d think after Idol dodged a bullet, getting through Beatles week unscathed , that they would move on to a less cherished songbook to destroy, but oh, no. Not Idol. If they can beat something to death then they most suredly will.
And this was definitely a beat something to death week. Mainly I wanted to beat the judges to death for their idiotic over-praise of these thoroughly mediocre to poor performances. I don’t know how Simon, Randy and Paula can live with themselves after all the shameless whoring for “The Best 24 Singers in America.”
Going in, Mariah Carey week promised VFTW-Championship level bad performances. We’re talking all time crapitude. There was no way the shrieking diva, who has her own personal fight with painkillers and sanity and good taste could make a boring episode. This was going to be an all-time bad show of Idol. How could it be anything less than astounding? Oh, right, THESE are our Idols.