Memphis Auditions - Hard to Understand... How Awful This Show Is

Let me start this column by saying “Praise all things Idol for making me only sit through this for one hour!” I can’t take these awful two hour crapfests anymore. We got to see some people make it through to Hollywood who just sucked ass. Like big time. The only possible rationale I can come up with: VFTW is sweeping the nation, Paula’s sauced up, or the talent is running low. Since Paula seemed less fucked up than usual, I’m gonna go with numbers 1 and 3.

 

We start off the episode with what was promoted all over ads today as “the most outrageous audition EVER.” A guy comes in, sings over the top, then goes outside so his marching band can play for him. That’s outrageous? At least Ryan got to call Simon a bitch, a little role reversal from their usual bedroom positions. But yeah, Frank Byers wasn’t bad, wasn’t good, and certainly wasn’t outrageous.

 

Timika Sims actually had me laughing a bit at her Whatevia like stature. She butchered Ashanti’s “Rock Wit U” in a wonderful manner and then perplexed the judges because they couldn’t understand her phrases like “WantMeSingItAGayun? KahSingAnuthaSong?” The judges also couldn’t understand Christopher Rivera’s over-melismaed “Supersition”. I was too busy wondering how those jeans were staying on his legs since there was barely any denim left with all of the slashes. Finally, Alexis Partee of the infamous gums and braces that make a dentist cringe, sang a Teena Marie song and drew criticism for being unintelligible. The judges have the audacity to call someone hard to understand? Pop quiz, folks. Which of these is easy to understand?

 

a) Yo, yo, dawg! Baby, hot, dawg pound yee-uh, hot one tonight, dude, man!

b) *incoherent rambling from abusing Vicodin and booze followed by seal clapping*

c) That was absolutely dreadful. Like a cruise ship, no a child’s birthday party, no a drunk at a wedding, no a tea party with crumpets, worst I’ve heard, but no…

d) None of the above

 

Yeah…

 

Sundance Head, who has a strange name that isn’t even real, is the son of some guy who was knocked out of the number one spot on the Billboard charts by the Beatles’ “Yesterday”, so now he hates the Beatles. Too bad his dad doesn’t realize that if he were any good, that wouldn’t be his only claim to fame. Fortunately for him, Sundance can actually sing too even though he looks like some form of a really hairy goat with an ugly beard. The singing was too good to put him into VFTW territory, so we’ll see what happens with him in the future. Simon says, “He just blew Taylor out of the park” to continue his anti-Taylor tirades. Apparently no one informed Simon that he sounds like a crybaby titty sucker every time he whines about Taylor. Looks like Taylor winning is still ringing true as a VFTW victory almost a year later.

 

Wandera Hitchye sings pretty well and then gets rejected. The judges say she has nothing special that makes her stand out. As if half of the bottled blonde singers who give Simon a boner have anything special… besides blow job skills. Obviously Wandera was set up by the producers to fail so she’d go crazy, and that she does, screaming “Get that shit out my face!” to the cameras. Too bad, because that’s exactly what the show wanted her to do.

 

Speaking of bottled blonde singers who have nothing special, Danielle McCullouch sings “Baby I Love You”. It’s not that good, and she’s at a severe disadvantage because she’s not the singer they keep showing in the commercials singing this same song. You know, that one that's been in every single freaking promo? Yeah, her. That other girl is gonna be megapimped, so my guess is that Danielle is Hollywood fodder. She has really bad hair and would probably be a good VFTW pick, but I can’t see her going very far. After getting her golden ticket, the water works start. Could someone just get a golden ticket this year and not cry or share a sob story? Is it seriously impossible?

 

A lot of emotion is also going to pour out when Travis McKinney goes in to sing for the judges… or so he says. He claims that he wrote a song for his wife or girlfriend or someone that makes him cry every time he sings it. Then he just stomps around a lot and talks while breathing heavy. It really wasn’t all that interesting.

 

Day one ended on a boring note… will day two be any better? Topher McCain begins the day by saying that Paula Abdul is hot. This also tells us that either the prescription for his glasses isn’t strong enough or he’s really, really desperate. After he tells the story about his wife leaving him because she liked cheating on him too much, you can tell it’s mostly from column B. He sings “Footloose” about as well as anyone expected and Simon tears right in with the drunk karaoke comparison. Why does Simon always tell the contestants they look drunk? He basically has the world’s biggest lush sitting to his right. No one looks even remotely inebriated next to her. I mean, Courtney Love is probably sitting at home saying, “That bitch Paula is just messed up.”

 

Janita Burks is next, and she knows that her style helps to improve her “confidentiality”. It’s obvious that she didn’t just use the wrong word while trying to say “confidence” like most of you think. Janita knows that her style makes her secretive and she won’t divulge those secrets to others. She then explains that her style is “conservative and sexy.” Janita! I thought you were going to keep it a secret. Oh well, cat’s out of the bag now. As she sings “Disco Inferno”, her boobs are popping out of her shirt. Simon calls her a “handful”.

 

Next up, Sean Michel tells us that he looks like “Osama Bin Laden, Jesus, or Fidel Castro.” What an astute observation! I couldn’t pick three more similar men if I tried. And it’s a good thing, because I don’t know if you’ve ever seen a picture of me, but I look just like “John Mayer, Yao Ming, and Denzel Washington.” Sexy, huh? So Jesus then sings “God’s Gonna Cut You Down” as a warning to the judges to change their sinful ways. But Randy’s too busy calling clients of voice teachers to get them to stop taking lessons, Paula’s not paying attention as she pops pills, and Simon is too busy flicking his manboobs and kicking kittens. Jesus gets to the next round, but how will he do during the Satanic Songs theme week? There’s VFTW potential here if he doesn’t cut his hair.

 

Melinda Doolittle was way too likeable and had an amazing voice, so there’s no way VFTW is going to be calling in for her anytime soon. There’s no point in wasting words on her except to say that if the tweentards name her fan club “Doolittle’s Doctor’s” (with an extra unneeded apostrophe, as they always do), I may have to go on a shooting spree.

 

Are you looking for someone who won’t dance, he’ll just do the movements? Are you looking for someone who has an outstanding voice AND outstanding vocals? No, I’m not talking about that idiot Pickler, I’m referring to this year’s dullard, Robert Lee Holmes. He sings “Burning Love” poorly, launching us into the lame montage of the week of none other than the same damn song. The montage blows dogs for quarters, but at least we did get a semi-funny line when a purple haired girl says, “I’ve been having an anxiety attack all day, I forgot my medication.”

 

Next we have Phillip Stacy, a man who decided it was more important to try out for American Idol than to be there for his pregnant wife. Besides being a complete idiot, he’s also a terrible singer. Whenever he starts a song, it’s completely off key. Yet the judges put him through to Hollywood anyway on the basis of his lame sob story that he chose to miss his wife delivering a baby to try out. This guy is a great VFTW victory because he’s just terrible. He looks cheesy, can’t sing, and relies on sympathy for votes. Sounds like a VFTW legend to me. If he makes the voting rounds, we have a great pick here.

And last but not least, a large crowd has shown up for the last contestant of the night. He's making some sort of late entrance, walks in, and starts blabbing on about stuff that doesn't seem to be making any sense. This is a VFTW contender for sure because... oh wait, I'm watching the State of the Union? Idol's over? My bad. 

 

To keep track of the awful people that made it through, here’s a handy list. Out of the 3 episodes we’ve seen so far, here are my top 5 picks for VFTW glory in the future as of this point:

 

1) Phillip “Baby Hating” Stacy
2) Blake “B-Shorty” Lewis
3) Anna “Giraffe” Kearns
4) Perla “Shakira” Meneses
5) Denise “Crack Baby” Jackson

 

Tomorrow, we get to see people audition in New York for… TWO HOURS? Seriously. I’m sick of this crap. Can’t we just skip ahead to Hollywood so we can see Anna, Crack Baby, and Perla butcher a Stevie Wonder song on group day?

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