False Idols - Seattle Auditions

After hearing that Seattle was one of the worst audition cities ever, tonight’s show had a lot to live up to. Oddly enough, even though a lot of mediocre or bad people are going to Hollywood, the show produced more actual good singing talent tonight than an average episode. We still got to see very little of Paula, and when we do, she barely speaks English. You know what? I’m almost getting sick of making jokes about her being drunk. It’s just not right. Who am I to say? I mean, I shouldn’t just be lobbing insults like that. So from now on… I think I’m going to focus on her addiction to pain killers. There we go. I’m gonna go with a Vicodin overdose as Paula's drug of choice. Not because I know, but because it gives me a lot of material to work with. Wikipedia cites some of the side effects of being a pill popper like Paula:

 

-Weak breathing (check)

-Seizures (oh so THAT’S what she was doing)

-Dizziness (check)

-Unusual fatigue (see her falling asleep on the table or in those interviews?)

-Muscle twitches (check)

-Hearing loss (she likes people who can’t sing, check)

-Great euphoria (definite check)

-Drowsiness (uhhhh… check)

-Stomach ulcers (don’t want to know)

 

So our Vicodin princess and her two lackeys made it all the way to Seattle, just to hear Brandon Groves audition again. This guy just won’t quit. Last year he shot the sherriff. This year, he shot the Tories on the 4^th of July in his patriotic get-up. It’s definitely not as good as last year, he really should've gone out on a high note. Oh well. Comatose Paula says next year he’ll come back as an Indian chief. She also says that next year she'll come back as a decent judge. I see neither happening.

 

Next up, we have Jennifer Chapton aka “The Hotness”. I’m loving this bitch big time. She takes out her gum and Simon tells her to put it on the picture of Taylor behind her. What’s wrong, Simon? Still bitter that no one cares that you hate Taylor? After singing some song I don’t remember, Jennifer cracks me up with her comebacks about how she doesn’t want Simon’s love. Then she delivers the line of the night to Simon: “He don’t know nothing about music. He probably listens to that back country Englishman sheep stuff so I don’t care.” Cue the back country Englishman sheep stuff. Simon’s taste isn’t even as good as Jennifer thinks… someone later calls him out on producing the Teletubbies album. Anything to make a buck, right Simon? What an asshat. Jennifer, VFTW loves you and the hotness.

 

Amy Salgado thinks her rendition of “Reflection” will improve if she drinks water. It doesn’t. Darwin “Mischa” Reedy tries oh so hard to be the next William Hung by poorly singing a song about sex. Neither really impressed me, except I did like the whole mix and match wigs thing Mischa and her mom had going on. Mischa also needs to invest more money in a better bra and less money in silk pajamas.

 

Is anyone looking for a boring R&B singer to sing Stevie Wonder every week in the finals? Nope? Too bad, here comes Tommy Daniels, who apparently wants to use Idol as his elevator to the top. After doing a decent job and making it through, the judges take turns holding his little dog. Paula quips, “If Simon and I ever have a baby, this is what it’ll look like.” So remember folks, when you’re high as a kite, your womb suddenly produces puppies.

 

Melissa Stavros also has a dog, a miniature Pomeranian, who sits outside with Ryan Seacrest as she sings. Ryan is jealous because 1) the dog is competing with him for screen time and 2) the dog is taller than him. Melissa’s song goes downhill fast, but she takes the criticism well, saying she doesn’t normally sound like that and had an off day. I’m sorry, but I like my Worsters to be loud and boisterous. At least she wore great fishnet pink sleeves. Next.

 

Finally, we get to a contestant with potential to be the next big VFTW pick" Ryan Seacrest. No, it's just Seacrest wannabe Blake Lewis. Blake comes in looking like a mad scientist with his poorly dyed spiked hair and white coat. That’s some aerodynamic, odd looking hair. Paula checks his pockets for medication, but comes up short. Oh wait, that’s Ryan again. Soon Blake is beat boxing for the judges, and he’s not half bad. Once he gets to singing “Crazy” though, he’s incredibly over the top and adds in some beat boxing where it just starts to sound ridiculous. Simon calls him out as being “not as good as he thinks he is” (for once, I agree with Simon), but they put him through anyway so that he can become the VFTW champion to beat box during Mariah Carey week in the top 12. Afterwards, Blake says that his dad is the hardest working man in Seattle. Ah, Blake’s dad must be Blake’s hairdresser.

 

I was bored with David Mills, so I’ll skip him. The only good thing he did was say that “it’s been a major wakeup call.” I think he may be the first person in the history of the show who actually realized he can’t sing and took the judge’s advice. Unprecedented. THIS must be the shocking event Simon was talking about on the radio ad this morning. Oh the hype! Oh the hype!

 

Looking for the Indian Donny and Marie Osmond? Yeah I’m not either, but hey, here’s Shyamali and Sanjaya Malakar. They both sing pretty well, so right off the bat they’re enemies of the VFTW cause.  Shyamali (the sister) is adorable and Sanjaya (the gay brother) is awkwardly endearing to tweentards. This makes a deadly combination. I thought Shyamali was a better singer, and you know both were put through to Hollywood so we’d get the inevitable “Who makes it further?” battle. I wouldn’t be surprised if both made it to the top 24. The brother wouldn’t say who the judges thought sang better (him) and the sister seemed a little pissed about this. I hope Shyamali is really a raging bitch who is just hiding her anger until the top 24. What a joyous day that would be!

 

Nicholas Zitzmann (reminds me of zitboy from yesterday… pop that zit!!!!) is a software engineer from Utah. Being that we always have that one token software engineer from Utah in the finals every year, Nicholas knew he had to try out. As he sings “Unchained Melody” and sways back and forth, Paula starts swaying too. Randy notices and begins to sway as well to try to cover up Paula’s hopped-up state. It’s not working. Nicholas then looks hilariously demonic when he hits high notes. We’re treated to a shot of Paula adjusting her vision because she thinks Nick is a giant Vicodin pill. Edited out are the scenes of Paula trying to eat Nick. After being told that he's not good enough, Nick seems more concerned that his sweatshirt is missing. I'm concerned that my attention span is missing. Next.

 

Playing the “let’s suck up to Randy” card, Rudy Cardenas sings “Open Arms”. This guy is way too full of himself, but he’s a decent singer. I almost don’t detest him until he says, “Simon’s had a bad day” and they launch into THAT FUCKING SONG FROM LAST YEAR THAT MAKES ME WANT TO RIP OFF THE HEADS OF PUPPIES. ARGH! WHY? Daniel Powter needs to be shot. Today. And all of his records need to be burned. Cruel and unusual torture, I tells ya. We then find out that only 7 people made it through on day one. They showed 5. Those 2 other people got the shaft big time. We couldn’t see them sing for 10 seconds? 5 seconds? Quick shot of them in the background as Paula is medivacced out?

 

OK, I don’t know about you, but I think making fun of people who have mental handicaps is crossing the line, even for Idol. There’s no proof that Kenneth Briggs and Jonathan Jayne rode the short bus, but it seems that way and it’s pretty disgusting to embarrass them on national television. After Simon makes himself feel more like a man by insulting them, Jonathan says, “They would have made a ton of money if I got on the show. People would vote for me. They would.” You’re right, VFTW would have voted for you every week just to see Simon pout. Come on now Idol, show come class. Paula, that means you too. Yes, you do have to take the panties off your head…

 

Eric Chapman is the hairdressing, wacky doppelganger of Taylor Hicks. To show that Simon is on autopilot, as soon as he sees Eric, he begins to spout the same exact words he said to Taylor last year: “no way”, “are you drunk?”, etc, etc. As a goodwill gesture, Eric tries to fix Simon’s hair and is escorted out by security. Soon after, Ryan gets into a half hour chat with Eric about which hair products "bring all the boys to the yard" and holds up production.

 

Another VFTW record maker is Anna Kearns, the 6’4” (6’7” in heels) glamazon who screams to ask for “Respect”. She really isn’t good at all, but Paula loves her because she looks like a giant candy bar. Soon, Paula starts incoherently growling at Simon and Randy again joins in to cover it up. To get Paula to shut up, they send Anna to Hollywood. The girl has some serious VFTW chops and I’m looking forward to hearing her mess up during group day in Hollywood. My guess is that she’s going to be one of those people who disappears somewhere between now and the voting because the lazy editors forget to talk about her. Though she’s kind of hard to miss.

 

After a star like Anna, it’s obvious that we had to get a turkey like Jordin Sparks. The girl is a cute little 16 year old who is far too polished. I’m already hating her because the judges are pimping her like crazy. Then we find out that Jordin’s dad is a famous athlete. I’ve had enough of her, though we’ll unfortunately be seeing her frizzy hair for a long time. Let's hope nerves get the best of her and I'm wrong.

 

8 people made it through on the second day. So Idol only found 15 good singers in Seattle? They really can’t be trying that hard. I just went on MySpace and found over 15 good singers in 15 minutes. The editors aren’t trying hard either as we are then treated to the worst part of the show, a medley of people singing the Pussycat Dolls’ “Don’tcha”. Why are they even bothering to insert the judges’ reactions, we know they aren’t there for this part. Please, someone tell the editors to stop the insanity. No one likes these things. No one.

 

Ending the night, we have Steven “Red” Thorne who does a shitty version of “Bohemian Rhapsody”. I’m ready to flip the channel when Steven starts calling out Simon, saying, “If you think you’re so damn hot, step up and coach me.” BWAHAHA. Love it. And as if the episode was made just for me… STEVEN TRIES TO GO OUT THE WRONG DOOR. Yes! The idiot producers can’t afford a room with 2 working doors in Seattle either. It’s the return of the locked door. Man, I love that door so much. And just to show my love for the door, I let it write the next paragraph:

 

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Yeah, that was my favorite part of the column too.

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