False Idols 1/16/05: Wrong Door!

Idol’s back, bitches. And gone is my inability to fall asleep at night! Coincidence? Ambien? Warm milk and honey? Either way, I know you’re all at this site because you want me to rip into the farce that is American Idol, so I shan’t disappoint. I missed you all.

 

The Minneapolis auditions were just horrific. There were only 2 people who made it through that couldn’t qualify as future VFTW contenders… so far. It seems that the producers will run this show into the ground and kill every ounce of talent until it’s The William Hung show. Not that I’m complaining. But seriously, do you have friends who watch this show for the talent? And do they have IQ’s above 100? We have guest judge Jewel who, according to Ryan, is “one of the most popular artists of the decade.” Ryan also announced in his pre-show monologue that “Katharine McPhee is America’s sweetheart” after launching into the other Idol’s successes. I guess the producers aren’t hiding the fact that they lie through their teeth anymore. Next week, Paula will be deemed the "world's most sober celebrity."

 

First up, we have Jewel clone Jessica Rhode. She does makeovers for people at the mall. The show hasn’t even been on for 6 minutes and already she’s crying. A lot. After singing a Jewel song, the judges tell her no. This immediately causes her to cry again. Left on the editing room floor were the comments, “But those British producers told me I was good. This… how can you… no!” and “I’ll never give you that private makeover now, Simon!” Jessica tries to go out the wrong door, because apparently Idol can’t afford a place for the auditions with 2 working doors. As she continues to cry and walks away, it’s now obvious why she was shown. Jewel’s new song, which features the cliché lyrics “It’s gonna be alright… no matter what they say…” plays as Jessica cries her way back home. I feel like I’ve sold my soul to watch this crap. If only Jessica had used a Cingular phone to text her Coke drinking parents about her disaster. If only.

 

Next up is Troy Behman, the Amish guy without a TV who has never heard of American Idol or ever watched a television yet a) somehow found out about the auditions, b) sings “You can’t be mean to me” to the judges who he shouldn’t know are mean since he doesn’t watch the show, c) mugs for camera time, and d) ends it all by saying “I didn’t say I was the next American Idol.” How exactly would he know that’s what people say? Fake. Liar. Worse than Pickler. Next.

 

Idol loves their divas, so they next decided to bring in Jesse Holloway. He sings like a VFTW legend, with amazing falshitto that sounds nothing like his idol Mariah Carey. He also becomes the second person to try to open the wrong door. Overall, slightly boring, yet he did leave us with the comebacks, “Simon doesn’t know what it’s like to be nervous in front of nobody”, “Randy needs to wipe off his makeup”, and “when’s the last time we saw Paula dancing around?” Um, I saw Paula dancing around and slurring her speech on Fox the other day. Just sayin’.

 

A half hour into the show, we have yet to see a good singer. Yet Idol claims it’s about good singing. We all know they love VFTW and just won’t admit it. This is why they let Charles Moody dress up like Uncle Sam to “knock out the audition.” He’s really not terrible at first, it’s his odd faces that make the audition funny. Charles also becomes the next person to walk out the wrong door. You’d think they’d tell people which door to leave through at this point. Apparently, this is not a priority.

 

32 minutes in and we get our first “good” singer. Good is in quotation marks, because she still wasn’t that good. Meet Kellie Pickler 2.0, Denise Jackson. But instead of hearing “Mah daddy’s in jay-ul” all season, we’ll be hearing “I was born a crack baby.” VFTW loves this stuff. Because long after Denise starts really screwing up her performances, people will still vote for her because her daddy was… I mean she was a crack baby. Her performance of “And I Am Telling You I’m Going to Scream a Song Really Loud” was okay. Look for her lack of experience to catch up with her.

 

Tashawn Moore dressed to impress. And after about 10 minutes of her audition, all we know is that she wants “women not girls.” The judges tell her no, but she responds yes each time as if she’s overruling them in her head. So I guess by Tashawn’s count, she’s GOING TO HOLLYWOOD, BABY!!!! Unfortunately, all she adds is one more person going out the wrong door. We’re up to 4 people now. Is it seriously impossible to open the other door? The left door... there's something kind of... it's starting to interest me.

 

Perla Meneses proves that she’s not very observant when she asks Ryan Seacrest if he likes Spanish girls. Sweety, Ryan doesn’t like girls. Her confidence unshaken, Perla talks about how she was homeless. It’s another Pickler, folks. As she launches into “Call Me”, all I can think is how deliciously annoying her voice is. The goat girl vibrato is out in full effect. She does a much less VFTW-tastic job with “Hips Don’t Lie”, but it’s obvious that she’s going to really suck it up in Hollywood. The judges all say she can’t sing well, but then put her through to Hollywood to make VFTW happy. Perla Necklace shines tonight as my favorite False Idol. I can see her inspiring the hatred of America and the love of VFTW unintentionally. Brilliant. We’re now 47 minutes into the show and 2 people made it through. And neither were very good.

 

Singing “Folsom Blues”, Matthew Volna is boring. Simon calls him “pointless and awful”. Then why bother showing him? He wasn’t even VFTW worthy. Next.

 

Now that we’ve had 2 Kellie Pickler wannabes, we might as well throw in another Josh Gracin, right? VFTW All Stars is in full effect as Jarrod Fowler takes the stage. We have another military man who will only get votes due to his military service as he sucks his way into the top four. Josh… I mean Jarrod even performs Josh’s audition song, “God Bless the Broken Road”. Randy says he’s pitchy and overdoes it on the melisma (but way less articulate: More like “Dawg, yo, yo. Pitchy and the things, yeah man, yeah.”) Paula didn’t make any stupid comments about him, though. Notice how they’re barely showing her. She was probably too busy dry humping the table to talk, so Josh is through to Hollywood.

 

Trista Giese does a Wizard of Oz lion impression. She’s the fifth person to try the wrong door, and I ain’t lyin’. Sorry, had to do it. At this point, I’m cheering for the door more than the show. I’ve stopped paying attention to the singers and I just want to see everyone go out the wrong door. Singing? Who cares. Wrong door! Wrong door!

 

Stephen Horst is a voice teacher who sings “I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing”. Randy insults him a lot and Simon says Randy is rude. Simon is a hypocritical idiot. But… I don’t care. Will Stephen try the wrong door? Paula says “too much vibrato”… whatever. Come on, wrong door. Come on. OH NO! Stephen goes out the right door. Damn you, Stephen.

 

Michelle Steingas, some pretty blonde girl, is the first one I can’t equate to VFTW. 73 minutes in. That took awhile. She goes out the right door (boo) and then says she can now “quit her job.” A bit premature, Michelle? She was boring though, so back to the door!

 

Dayna Dooley is flown in by her boss because he wants to bang her. Not good enough. Right door...

 

Rachel Jenkins exploits her army status as the second Josh Gracin wannabe of the night. She’s not great and has a possible VFTW future. Right door…

 

Sarah Krueger sings the overdone “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” She’s only the second singer I can’t make into a VFTW victory. She’s very boring. And… right door. I guess I should stop watching the door for now.

 

Next up, 16 year old Matt Sato complains that his parents don’t support him and won’t come to his audition. It’s Scott Savol 2.0. None of these kids have an original schtick anymore, let me tell you. Matt complains about how his parents won’t pay for him to sing and how they’re very unsupportive. He also has a huge zit on his nose. Soon, we are treated to his overly flamboyant show choir rendition of “California Dreamin” and… the zit. I can’t stop watching the zit. But will he go out the wrong… zit. I wonder if he saw that thing. It’s huge! The zit is even distracting me from Doorwatch 2007. Yes, I'm off my ADD medication. Matt and his zit are both going to Hollywood. After going out the right door (grumble), what does Matt do? He calls the same parents he complained about and sold out only moments prior to tell them he made it to Hollywood. Suddenly, mom loves him again. What a fucked up family. At least his zit loves him. Matt is definitely a VFTW victory on the rise. He’s not very good and he’s 16. Think back to John Stevens, David Radford, Kevin Covais, and the other 16 year old guys we’ve had on the show. Yep, he’s gonna be awesomely bad.

 

After that, we’re treated to Jason Anderson who has a mediocre audition where he juggles and Randy shamelessly pimps America’s Got No Talent. Jason is incredibly kind to the judges, even when they tell him no and laugh at him… until he leaves the room (out the right door). Then the insults fly. “Idol Logo them!” ‘They Idol Logo cut me off!” “I’ve never been so insulted in my life!” “They said Minneapolis has no talent because of me. Idol Logo!” “I’m 16 years old and I wanted to start off famous, but they blew me off!” Jason… you need to say this to the judges. They can take it. Paula’s too drunk, Randy barely speaks English, Jewel is doing her best Pickler impression, and Simon’s only comeback is to rub his man boobs. After crying for quite a while, Jason leaves.

 

When ultimate Idol fan Brenna Kyner walks in, Simon looks mortified. Simon doesn’t like fat people (have you seen his girlfriend? Anorexia’s jealous.) Brenna has watched every episode of every Idol from every country EVER. Even Al Qaeda Idol. She says that she and Idol are BFF. So obviously she has good taste, right? Yes… if you’re a Worster. Her favorite contestant ever is Ace Young, who drew her a tattoo. She then makes Ace proud by singing as crappily as he does with “Under Pressure”. I do admit she’s the only one all night who made me laugh. After telling her no, Jewel offers up that Brenna got to be on her favorite show, so isn’t that great? Brenna looks pissed. I’m not too upset though because there’s only one Brenna for me, bling bling, shine on, and all that. I have a feeling that Brenna K. spends some time at VFTW… she’d fit right in. I admit, I like her, even if it’s sacrilegious for her to have the same name as a VFTW queen.

 

The episode’s almost over, and lucky us, we’re subjected to a stupid city song montage of Prince’s “Kiss”. If you haven’t read up on how staged these montages are, do some homework.

 

And finally, we have Chris Daughtry Jr., Josh Flom. Josh’s dad tells us that Josh can “sing like a bird” and that he wanted Josh to be a hockey goalie instead of a singer. Way to sound like an idiot, Josh’s dad. This is not Goalie Idol. No brownie points are awarded. Since Josh looks up to Penis with Ears, it’s obvious he’s not going to be very good. Then Simon challenges Josh to sing an ABBA song and… wait for it… wait for it… WRONG DOOR! YES! I love that door so much! That’s lucky number six. That door, it’s an inspiration to doors everywhere. Oh wait, where was I? Oh yeah, Josh sings ABBA really crappy like Chris would. Definitely VFTW in the making, but the judges don’t let him through. So he cries. He did seem pretty innocent and kind of like a nice guy. But hey, that’s Idol for you.

 

In the end, 17 made it to Hollywood. That’s IT? And they couldn’t show short clips of all of them? I can’t believe I wasted two hours of my life on this. So check back tomorrow when I waste two hours more on the Seattle auditions. Simon calls them the “worst”. We’ll see about that. For now, I hope you enjoyed the return of False Idols. And I hope you enjoyed the one part of the show tonight that was worth watching… the door.

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