In the knock down, drag out finale of American Idol 5, the final 2 competitors knew that the VFTW votes would make or break them. Forget that guy with the messed up teeth or that Penis With Ears. Their fans have stopped watching the show. Even the casual viewers have stopped watching. The ratings have dipped down to about 100,000 people a week. VFTW is the only small thread of survival to latch onto. We… are their last hope. The only way to win at this point is to go all out and suck hardcore.
Of course, that may be somewhat fabricated. But Taylor and Katharine treated some of their performances as if VFTW was the way to win the show. The judges again treated the show as if they were at a strip club and they’d had one too many (OK, in Paula’s case, five too many). Randy dawged it up, Paula’s incoherent rambling was out in full force, and Simon’s sense of self-importance was through the roof.
Katharine’s first performance was a reprise of “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree.” Competent. Boring. Good. Whatever. VFTW doesn’t like competent. Try harder next time, Missy. Katharine’s performances and critiques are seriously just a cut and paste game. Insert one shot of the obnoxious McDad crying here. OK, two shots. No, make that three. Insert McMom shooting death glares at Taylor’s family. And… cut to Taylor.
For his first performance of the night, Taylor came out in a purple velvet jacket. Purple freaking velvet jacket. That’s it. Katharine can’t do anything more VFTW than that. You win, Taylor. Recap over…
OK, I guess I have to keep writing. But to see Taylor in that jacket, shaking his ass and making those faces while singing “Living For the City,” it was just hysterical. Taylor always gives us one great VFTW performance a night, so we have to thank him for that. It was pure, delicious Velveeta. I started programming 1-866-IDOLS-02 into my phone that instant. Randy told him that he didn’t know about him singing Stevie Wonder. Yes, because Taylor wasn’t forced to sing a Stevie Wonder song for Stevie Wonder week or anything… Seriously, would anyone miss Randy if he was gone? Can’t we just get a loud cocker spaniel to bark in different, random tones? At least it would up the cuteness factor of the judging panel, because the boozehound and Mr. Man Boobs aren’t exactly easy on the eyes.
Katharine’s second performance of the night was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Insert McDad crying. Insert judges pimping her even though it definitely can’t compare to the original. Insert carefully timed wardrobe malfunction. And… cut to Taylor. Taylor did an encore of “Levon,” his first song from the competition. It wasn’t really bad, but it wasn’t good either. It was just there. The judges gave the edge to Katharine for the second round because, gasp, they wanted it to be close. As if we didn’t know they would massacre her for her final performance. But who knew how bad it would be. Certainly, not I.
Katharine then delivered her single worst performance of the competition with “My Destiny.” The song was in a key that was way too low for her. She missed just about every note in the first 4 measures. At that point, I was hoping Taylor would just come out next, take a dump on the stage, and say, “I don’t have to sing, just vote for me. Asshole Patrol!” But alas, Katharine just kept screeching her way through an awful Tamyra Gray song. It didn’t help that she was wearing a dress that was about 5 sizes too small for her, so she looked like a gigantic cow for no good reason. All of her bad style decisions led up to this moment, where she basically let the VFTW stylist do his worst. We also got to see the McDad crying DURING the performance, as if we hadn't seen it enough throughout the entire competition. Can someone get this man some therapy? It was endearing the first time he did it. Now, he just looks like an idiot who cries every time his daughter talks. It also means very little if he cries every time he sees her. Now, if he doesn't cry, we know she blew chunks. Katharine definitely went down in VFTW history with that performance, but it wasn’t enough to make up for Taylor’s ridiculous dancing around the stage.
Taylor ended the night with “Do I Make You Proud.” And as a loyal Worster, Taylor, I can say that you do make us all proud. Taylor assumed the position that he always uses when he sings a slow song. You know, the one where he looks like he’s about to take a giant dump on stage (if only… if only…). He then sang the entire song from that position about making VFTW proud. Now, I heard that Taylor hated “My Destiny” so much that he fought for another song. And THIS was it? It’s just as cheesy and bad as the other one was. Of course, Taylor is singing it better than Katharine, but his mannerisms are much funnier.
There will never be another Idol contestant like Taylor. He embraced his cheesy side and did things that most other contestants would never even consider. He had seizures during “Play That Funky Music.” He screamed out Soul Patrol after every performance and shook his hand in that weird fist like motion that he always does. He wore a PURPLE VELVET JACKET. He looked like my father or grandfather, getting up to sing after a drunken, karaoke night. And still, after all this, he appealed to both VFTW with his ridiculous cheesiness and over the top antics, and he appealed to the Soul Patrol with his vocals that were sometimes outstanding. For that, Taylor deserves to win American Idol, just for the sheer absurdity of it all. If Katharine wins, she’s easily marketable to the masses as another pretty face. But Taylor is something odd, eccentric, and flat out crazy. So I’m crossing my fingers for a Taylor win tonight, because he deserves it for all of the great VFTW moments that he g ave us. Because the only thing sweeter than Taylor winning American Idol is seeing Taylor’s first music video on MTV. Holy crap, that’s going to be hysterical.
Thanks to everyone for a wonderful season and I hope you enjoyed my recaps. I had a great time writing them. Thank you also to Brenna Gethers, David Radford, Bobby Bennett, Kellie Pickler, Kevin Covais, and Taylor Hicks for putting a smile on my face from week to week. It’s been a great time, and I can’t wait to see what season 6 has in store for us. For now, let’s cross our toes for Taylor, and hope we’ve crowned ourselves a VFTW idol.
If you have any comments about this article or would like to put "False Idols" in your publication, please contact Dave at voteworst@yahoo.com.
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Of course, that may be somewhat fabricated. But Taylor and Katharine treated some of their performances as if VFTW was the way to win the show. The judges again treated the show as if they were at a strip club and they’d had one too many (OK, in Paula’s case, five too many). Randy dawged it up, Paula’s incoherent rambling was out in full force, and Simon’s sense of self-importance was through the roof.
Katharine’s first performance was a reprise of “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree.” Competent. Boring. Good. Whatever. VFTW doesn’t like competent. Try harder next time, Missy. Katharine’s performances and critiques are seriously just a cut and paste game. Insert one shot of the obnoxious McDad crying here. OK, two shots. No, make that three. Insert McMom shooting death glares at Taylor’s family. And… cut to Taylor.
For his first performance of the night, Taylor came out in a purple velvet jacket. Purple freaking velvet jacket. That’s it. Katharine can’t do anything more VFTW than that. You win, Taylor. Recap over…
OK, I guess I have to keep writing. But to see Taylor in that jacket, shaking his ass and making those faces while singing “Living For the City,” it was just hysterical. Taylor always gives us one great VFTW performance a night, so we have to thank him for that. It was pure, delicious Velveeta. I started programming 1-866-IDOLS-02 into my phone that instant. Randy told him that he didn’t know about him singing Stevie Wonder. Yes, because Taylor wasn’t forced to sing a Stevie Wonder song for Stevie Wonder week or anything… Seriously, would anyone miss Randy if he was gone? Can’t we just get a loud cocker spaniel to bark in different, random tones? At least it would up the cuteness factor of the judging panel, because the boozehound and Mr. Man Boobs aren’t exactly easy on the eyes.
Katharine’s second performance of the night was “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Insert McDad crying. Insert judges pimping her even though it definitely can’t compare to the original. Insert carefully timed wardrobe malfunction. And… cut to Taylor. Taylor did an encore of “Levon,” his first song from the competition. It wasn’t really bad, but it wasn’t good either. It was just there. The judges gave the edge to Katharine for the second round because, gasp, they wanted it to be close. As if we didn’t know they would massacre her for her final performance. But who knew how bad it would be. Certainly, not I.
Katharine then delivered her single worst performance of the competition with “My Destiny.” The song was in a key that was way too low for her. She missed just about every note in the first 4 measures. At that point, I was hoping Taylor would just come out next, take a dump on the stage, and say, “I don’t have to sing, just vote for me. Asshole Patrol!” But alas, Katharine just kept screeching her way through an awful Tamyra Gray song. It didn’t help that she was wearing a dress that was about 5 sizes too small for her, so she looked like a gigantic cow for no good reason. All of her bad style decisions led up to this moment, where she basically let the VFTW stylist do his worst. We also got to see the McDad crying DURING the performance, as if we hadn't seen it enough throughout the entire competition. Can someone get this man some therapy? It was endearing the first time he did it. Now, he just looks like an idiot who cries every time his daughter talks. It also means very little if he cries every time he sees her. Now, if he doesn't cry, we know she blew chunks. Katharine definitely went down in VFTW history with that performance, but it wasn’t enough to make up for Taylor’s ridiculous dancing around the stage.
Taylor ended the night with “Do I Make You Proud.” And as a loyal Worster, Taylor, I can say that you do make us all proud. Taylor assumed the position that he always uses when he sings a slow song. You know, the one where he looks like he’s about to take a giant dump on stage (if only… if only…). He then sang the entire song from that position about making VFTW proud. Now, I heard that Taylor hated “My Destiny” so much that he fought for another song. And THIS was it? It’s just as cheesy and bad as the other one was. Of course, Taylor is singing it better than Katharine, but his mannerisms are much funnier.
There will never be another Idol contestant like Taylor. He embraced his cheesy side and did things that most other contestants would never even consider. He had seizures during “Play That Funky Music.” He screamed out Soul Patrol after every performance and shook his hand in that weird fist like motion that he always does. He wore a PURPLE VELVET JACKET. He looked like my father or grandfather, getting up to sing after a drunken, karaoke night. And still, after all this, he appealed to both VFTW with his ridiculous cheesiness and over the top antics, and he appealed to the Soul Patrol with his vocals that were sometimes outstanding. For that, Taylor deserves to win American Idol, just for the sheer absurdity of it all. If Katharine wins, she’s easily marketable to the masses as another pretty face. But Taylor is something odd, eccentric, and flat out crazy. So I’m crossing my fingers for a Taylor win tonight, because he deserves it for all of the great VFTW moments that he g ave us. Because the only thing sweeter than Taylor winning American Idol is seeing Taylor’s first music video on MTV. Holy crap, that’s going to be hysterical.
Thanks to everyone for a wonderful season and I hope you enjoyed my recaps. I had a great time writing them. Thank you also to Brenna Gethers, David Radford, Bobby Bennett, Kellie Pickler, Kevin Covais, and Taylor Hicks for putting a smile on my face from week to week. It’s been a great time, and I can’t wait to see what season 6 has in store for us. For now, let’s cross our toes for Taylor, and hope we’ve crowned ourselves a VFTW idol.
If you have any comments about this article or would like to put "False Idols" in your publication, please contact Dave at voteworst@yahoo.com. __________________________