Sweet heavens, Paula’s back on the sauce. Now that’s the stuff VFTW dreams are made of. Miss Rehabdul was back to her drunk ass self this week, and I couldn’t be happier. While the show dragged a little with boring performances, Paula’s antics kept me pointing and laughing. As a special tribute to my Forever Just Swirled judge, I’ll pull out the Boozehound Awards (also known as the Boozies) after every contestant performs. Get ready, Paula. I feel a whole slew of Boozies coming on!
A few weeks ago, I talked about how Paris Bennett was cursed to leave us in the final five because she sang in the dreaded second spot. The same goes for Elliott Yamin this week. Every single person in Idol history who has ever left in the final three has performed first. This includes VFTW inspiration Nikki McKibbin, Kim Locke, VFTW alum Jasmalien Trias, and white-bread Vonzell Solomon. Because of this, there’s no use in voting for Elliott. He’s gone. The curse always holds. I’ll pretend, though, that he stands a fighting chance for the sake of this recap. For his first song of the night, he sang “Open Arms.” This was just an elaborate set-up for Randy to remind us for the ten millionth time that he was in Journey. Elliott also screwed up the lyrics in the chorus, but the judges were all too busy keeping Paula in her seat to comment about that. Elliott’s second song was “What You Won’t Do For Love,” and again, it was not great and it put me to sleep. VFTW message board poste r Mikalah Rocks hit the nail on the head, saying, “Elliott’s performances are like extra commercial breaks.” Finally, Elliott rounded out the evening with “I Believe To My Soul.” These are the kind of songs I like hearing Elliott sing, and I actually really enjoyed it. His first two performances were too boring for comment, but number three was enjoyable. Of course, it was nowhere near VFTW standards.
Paula Abdul’s first Boozie of the night is awarded to her before Elliott’s second performance. Her first award is Best Incoherent Rambling. Ryan Seacrest asked Paula why she chose Elliott’s song and she started mumbling nonsense for about a minute, only to be interrupted by Simon. She then threw a hissy fit while Simon continued to point at his watch, notifying our lovely drunkard that she was wasting time on a live show. Eventually, Paula wrapped it up by saying that Elliott is a “funky white boy.” Later, she fell into Simon’s lap, and I think all of America was just waiting for her to start grabbing his man boobs right then and there. It didn’t happen, but Paula still earned her first Boozie with no class and a lack of pride.
Katharine McPhee urinated all over the stage (R. Kelly joke… get it?) with her rendition of “I Believe I Can Fly.” Terrible is not even a good enough word to describe her awful screeching. To be fair, Clive Davis chose the song for her (sucker! Katharine’s been sabotaged), but she still sucked hardcore. Katharine shot back at the judges for being hard on her. That’s because you suck, Kat. Not that the judges really know what they’re talking about, but if you either sang your songs better or given Simon a McLapDance, you might be getting more praise. Katharine then did a pretty good job with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Of course, she again sang on her knees. Either she was trying to be Fantasia part 2 or Kellie Pickler part 2. I couldn’t quite tell if she was going for the baby mama vote or the gigantic whore vote. Maybe both? The song was also dreadfully long; it clocked in at almost 3 minutes. No other Idol got that long to perform a song tonight. Lastly, Katharine ended t he night with “I Ain’t Got Nothin’ but the Blues” which made Randy break out the “I gotta compare it to Ella.” No, you really don’t, Randy. Why does this man feel the need to compare some songs to the original artists? “Idol” is just a glorified karaoke competition; all these kids do is sing songs like the original artists. It looks like the gastric bypass surgery is messing with someone’s brain. The McParents were in full effect tonight, looking like complete morons every time the judges said anything bad about their daughter. McFather looks like he would cry if you looked at him the wrong way. Grow a pair, McFather.
Paula Abdul’s second Boozie of the night is awarded to her for Stupidest Comment. She and Randy both told Katharine after her performance of “I Believe I Can Fly” that it was a poor song choice. Of course, this is utter inanity because Katharine did not choose the song, Clive Davis did. Paula then mumbled some extra bonus words about “you look great,” but she couldn’t recover from making an incredibly stupid comment that agreed with Randy’s stupid comment. Katharine may have blown hardcore during her performance, but scolding her for picking a bad song that she didn’t pick is truly a Boozie worthy moment. I bet the producers were scrambling at that point, with Nigel holding his head in his hands, realizing that the judges were insulting the record mogul who gives a lot of money to the show.
Finally, Taylor did VFTW proud with his songs. First, he got our shitfaced siren involved for “Dancing in the Dark,” pulling Paula up to dance crazy with him. In true predictability, Simon hated it. Simon always hates any Taylor performance where he dances, yet loves every Taylor performance where he doesn’t dance. It’s like clockwork. If Taylor stood still on stage, Simon would probably overpraise him. But that’s why we love Taylor, he just can’t stand still. Also, it was pretty funny to see Clive and Taylor talking, because I just kept thinking “Taylor just needs a few more years until he looks like Clive’s brother.” Taylor then spasmed out to “You Are So Beautiful.” There were no dance moves, so Simon liked it. It was a mediocre vocal with some “I’m about to take a dump” poses, but overall it was forgettable. I’m not quite sure why the judges loved it so much. And lastly, Taylor got to perform “Try a Little Tenderness,” the song they took away from him a few weeks ago. It was pretty good, and he gave it his best VFTW ending with some added jumping around the stage like a madman. Pop quiz, everyone. Taylor danced around the stage. Simon will now say:
I liked it.
That ending was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful.
If you said A, you’re not paying attention. But that’s OK, because you may have been paying more attention to Paula. Her final Boozie of the night is awarded to her for Best Dance Sequence. Taylor Hicks channeled his inner Bruce Springsteen for “Dancing in the Dark,” and he called on Paula to be his Courtney Cox. Halfway through the performance, Taylor grabbed Paula’s hand and started dancing with her, much to her drunken delight. Paula started twirling around, not realizing that about five seconds later, Taylor rushed back to the stage to finish the performance. In the background, Paula was still visible, dancing as if she had no idea that Taylor had left. Kids, your anti-drug for this week is Paula Abdul. Her third and final Boozie of the night is a sign that the messed up Paula that we know and love will never truly go away.
Who will go home? Well, Elliott’s the cursed one, so I’m going with him. Some curses are just too big to break. This leaves Taylor and Katharine in the finale; a VFTW delight for the ages. It means that our winner is either a) the insane gray haired guy who looks 20 years older than he is and dances like a monkey having seizures or it’s b) the bratty pregnant girl who screeches her songs and overdoes it on melisma. I smell a VFTW victory either way!
If you have any comments about this article or would like to put "False Idols" in your publication, please contact Dave at voteworst@yahoo.com.
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A few weeks ago, I talked about how Paris Bennett was cursed to leave us in the final five because she sang in the dreaded second spot. The same goes for Elliott Yamin this week. Every single person in Idol history who has ever left in the final three has performed first. This includes VFTW inspiration Nikki McKibbin, Kim Locke, VFTW alum Jasmalien Trias, and white-bread Vonzell Solomon. Because of this, there’s no use in voting for Elliott. He’s gone. The curse always holds. I’ll pretend, though, that he stands a fighting chance for the sake of this recap. For his first song of the night, he sang “Open Arms.” This was just an elaborate set-up for Randy to remind us for the ten millionth time that he was in Journey. Elliott also screwed up the lyrics in the chorus, but the judges were all too busy keeping Paula in her seat to comment about that. Elliott’s second song was “What You Won’t Do For Love,” and again, it was not great and it put me to sleep. VFTW message board poste r Mikalah Rocks hit the nail on the head, saying, “Elliott’s performances are like extra commercial breaks.” Finally, Elliott rounded out the evening with “I Believe To My Soul.” These are the kind of songs I like hearing Elliott sing, and I actually really enjoyed it. His first two performances were too boring for comment, but number three was enjoyable. Of course, it was nowhere near VFTW standards.
Paula Abdul’s first Boozie of the night is awarded to her before Elliott’s second performance. Her first award is Best Incoherent Rambling. Ryan Seacrest asked Paula why she chose Elliott’s song and she started mumbling nonsense for about a minute, only to be interrupted by Simon. She then threw a hissy fit while Simon continued to point at his watch, notifying our lovely drunkard that she was wasting time on a live show. Eventually, Paula wrapped it up by saying that Elliott is a “funky white boy.” Later, she fell into Simon’s lap, and I think all of America was just waiting for her to start grabbing his man boobs right then and there. It didn’t happen, but Paula still earned her first Boozie with no class and a lack of pride.
Katharine McPhee urinated all over the stage (R. Kelly joke… get it?) with her rendition of “I Believe I Can Fly.” Terrible is not even a good enough word to describe her awful screeching. To be fair, Clive Davis chose the song for her (sucker! Katharine’s been sabotaged), but she still sucked hardcore. Katharine shot back at the judges for being hard on her. That’s because you suck, Kat. Not that the judges really know what they’re talking about, but if you either sang your songs better or given Simon a McLapDance, you might be getting more praise. Katharine then did a pretty good job with “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.” Of course, she again sang on her knees. Either she was trying to be Fantasia part 2 or Kellie Pickler part 2. I couldn’t quite tell if she was going for the baby mama vote or the gigantic whore vote. Maybe both? The song was also dreadfully long; it clocked in at almost 3 minutes. No other Idol got that long to perform a song tonight. Lastly, Katharine ended t he night with “I Ain’t Got Nothin’ but the Blues” which made Randy break out the “I gotta compare it to Ella.” No, you really don’t, Randy. Why does this man feel the need to compare some songs to the original artists? “Idol” is just a glorified karaoke competition; all these kids do is sing songs like the original artists. It looks like the gastric bypass surgery is messing with someone’s brain. The McParents were in full effect tonight, looking like complete morons every time the judges said anything bad about their daughter. McFather looks like he would cry if you looked at him the wrong way. Grow a pair, McFather.
Paula Abdul’s second Boozie of the night is awarded to her for Stupidest Comment. She and Randy both told Katharine after her performance of “I Believe I Can Fly” that it was a poor song choice. Of course, this is utter inanity because Katharine did not choose the song, Clive Davis did. Paula then mumbled some extra bonus words about “you look great,” but she couldn’t recover from making an incredibly stupid comment that agreed with Randy’s stupid comment. Katharine may have blown hardcore during her performance, but scolding her for picking a bad song that she didn’t pick is truly a Boozie worthy moment. I bet the producers were scrambling at that point, with Nigel holding his head in his hands, realizing that the judges were insulting the record mogul who gives a lot of money to the show.
Finally, Taylor did VFTW proud with his songs. First, he got our shitfaced siren involved for “Dancing in the Dark,” pulling Paula up to dance crazy with him. In true predictability, Simon hated it. Simon always hates any Taylor performance where he dances, yet loves every Taylor performance where he doesn’t dance. It’s like clockwork. If Taylor stood still on stage, Simon would probably overpraise him. But that’s why we love Taylor, he just can’t stand still. Also, it was pretty funny to see Clive and Taylor talking, because I just kept thinking “Taylor just needs a few more years until he looks like Clive’s brother.” Taylor then spasmed out to “You Are So Beautiful.” There were no dance moves, so Simon liked it. It was a mediocre vocal with some “I’m about to take a dump” poses, but overall it was forgettable. I’m not quite sure why the judges loved it so much. And lastly, Taylor got to perform “Try a Little Tenderness,” the song they took away from him a few weeks ago. It was pretty good, and he gave it his best VFTW ending with some added jumping around the stage like a madman. Pop quiz, everyone. Taylor danced around the stage. Simon will now say:
- I liked it.
- That ending was dreadful. Absolutely dreadful.
If you said A, you’re not paying attention. But that’s OK, because you may have been paying more attention to Paula. Her final Boozie of the night is awarded to her for Best Dance Sequence. Taylor Hicks channeled his inner Bruce Springsteen for “Dancing in the Dark,” and he called on Paula to be his Courtney Cox. Halfway through the performance, Taylor grabbed Paula’s hand and started dancing with her, much to her drunken delight. Paula started twirling around, not realizing that about five seconds later, Taylor rushed back to the stage to finish the performance. In the background, Paula was still visible, dancing as if she had no idea that Taylor had left. Kids, your anti-drug for this week is Paula Abdul. Her third and final Boozie of the night is a sign that the messed up Paula that we know and love will never truly go away.Who will go home? Well, Elliott’s the cursed one, so I’m going with him. Some curses are just too big to break. This leaves Taylor and Katharine in the finale; a VFTW delight for the ages. It means that our winner is either a) the insane gray haired guy who looks 20 years older than he is and dances like a monkey having seizures or it’s b) the bratty pregnant girl who screeches her songs and overdoes it on melisma. I smell a VFTW victory either way!
If you have any comments about this article or would like to put "False Idols" in your publication, please contact Dave at voteworst@yahoo.com. __________________________