Priscilla Presley summed it up best when she said, “Man, I look like I’ve had a lot of plastic surgery.” OK, so she didn’t say that. And she didn’t sum anything up. But hey, she’s had a lot of plastic surgery! Tonight, the contestants sang 2 Elvis songs: one fun song and one ballad. In most cases, this meant the contestants sang one crapfest and one borefest. Despite what Randy thinks, this was definitely a night of VFTW delight.
VFTW champion Taylor Hicks took the stage first with “Jailhouse Rock”. His outfit certainly was the worst; that maroon pin-striped get up was funky fresh. He also didn’t turn the Taylorometer to “fun” like last week; it was kind of stuck between fun and decent. But he looked like he had a great time and it was pretty funny watching him twist around on stage as if to say “Suck on this, Cowell!” Simon hated it, of course, but what else is new? Taylor’s second performance of “In the Ghetto” was a sleeper… no, I don’t mean that it was a surprise hit. I mean I fell asleep during it. I have no idea why the judges creamed their pants so much over it, but Simon told Taylor that he earned a spot in the semifinals after that one. Um, Simon… the semifinals happened months ago. Even Stevie Scott had a place in the semifinals, that’s how easy it was to get there. You might as well have told Taylor that he’s “going to HOLLYWOOD!” again. What a moron. I love Taylor's strategy of doing one V FTW performance and one Soul Patrol performance per night for the last 2 weeks. That way, he appeases his two main fan groups. What a smart guy!
Chris Daughtry was up next. He performed “Suspicious Minds”, an excellent song, by sucking the life out of it and injecting it with goat vibrato. And as if he didn’t look like a penis with ears all ready, those ridiculous sunglasses made him look even more like male genitalia. He bored his way through the performance and the judges loved it anyway. It’s not like he’s the chosen one or anything… Paula told him that he earned his place in the finale. See? That wasn’t hard, Simon. Even the boozehound can correctly tell the difference between the final 2 and the semifinals. For his second performance, Chris got up on stage and phoned another one in. This time he attempted “A Little Less Conversation”. Talk about pissing off the VFTW crowd. Former VFTW royalty Jon Peter Lewis performed this song with awful vocals, ridiculous dancing, and a “to hell with this” attitude. If you can’t live up to that hall of fame performance, you might as well not even try. It’s like anyone attemptin g Thylvia Chibiliti’s “Dibit We Ohmos Hab It Aw”. Why bother? Then, at the end of the song, Chris suddenly let out two awful screams, as if his head was about to finally secrete the good stuff. But just like any other aspect of Chris, he didn’t deliver. The only funny part of his performance was his see-through shirt, exposing the Daughtry nipples. Of course, the same fans that wet themselves when he announced that he wore boxer briefs probably had a double orgasm tonight over that one. Well played, Mr. Daughtry. Well played. The pre-teen crowd will vote overtime for you tonight.
Elliott Yamin looked even more like a werewolf than normal (must be a full moon), as he tackled “If I Can Zzzzz…” and “Trouble”. The former was a boring snoozefest that was just terribly uninteresting. It even started with a more prominent vibrato than our bald-headed friend. Not a good sign. “Trouble”, though, was a pretty darn good performance. Of course, being that this is VFTW, this means that I shall skip over even mentioning any more about this. Geez, Elliott, try a little harder to suck next week, would ya? Boring and good are not words that us Worsters appreciate.
Katharine McPhee perfomed last, starting with “Hound Dog/All Shook Up” medley because “like all of Elvis’s songs like sound the same!” Of course, she screeched through the entire thing and even turned around when she forgot her words as if no one would notice. Sweetie, you’re singing into a microphone. You can do flips and expose your baby-maker again, but if you don’t sing a lyric (or in Pickler’s case, a word or a lyric), people will notice. The judges tore into her, which obviously made the McParents mad. I love when they’re mad and I don’t even know them. I kind of want to send them a card that says “Congratulations…” and on the inside it says “because you’re both obnoxious fame whores living vicariously through your daughter!” It wouldn’t be worth it unless I could see the looks on their faces, though. Katharine then attempted to pull off a Taylor like maneuver by calling out to her very own Soul Patrol. It went a little something like this.
Ryan: Katharine’s numbers are 1-866-IDOLS-05 and… Katharine: (timidly) Mc…McFans! Ryan: 1-866-IDOLS-08. You can call either… Katharine: (even more timidly) Mmm..Mmm…Ma…Mc…Mc…Umm…Fans. Ryan: Bitch, that’s pathetic. Katharine: Suck it (exposes McTatas)
OK, so those last 2 lines didn’t happen. But her pathetic rallying of the “McFans” (what foolhardy 12 year old came up with that one?) was just sad. She might as well have said “Vote for the Worst… Come on guys, I’m next after Taylor. Just pick me now. I need you.” Katharine then spit on Elvis’s grave with her performance of “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. She started off fine, but then started screeching the song in such an unpleasant pitch that the neighborhood dogs said “I wouldn’t even hit that.” She then combined screeching, off-key singing with unnecessary melisma to create another horrific vocal. Awesome work, Katharine! She’s still too boring to be VFTW, but if she can manage to outlast Taylor, she’s our girl!
Unluckily for her, I doubt she’ll be around next week. Unlike when she inappropriately smiles through all of her sad songs, this Idol outcast won't be smiling tomorrow. Katharine stupidly did not expose her breasts this week, meaning that the only people who might even vote for her would be VFTW (but we voted for Taylor) or M…Mmmm…Mc…Fa…ns. Even they can’t save her this week, and I predict Katharine goes home this week. Who is she in the bottom 2 with? Who cares? It’ll probably be Elliott, but maybe the producers will put Chris down there to scare his fans into voting for him. Either way, it’s time for our lone female to stop sounding like a Kat in heat and to finally get that bun out of the oven. I hope she and Mr. Covais have a happy life together. That is, until he informs her that she’s only his “part time lover” and that he’s leaving her so he can get some “undercover pathion on the run.” Go Kevin, go!
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VFTW champion Taylor Hicks took the stage first with “Jailhouse Rock”. His outfit certainly was the worst; that maroon pin-striped get up was funky fresh. He also didn’t turn the Taylorometer to “fun” like last week; it was kind of stuck between fun and decent. But he looked like he had a great time and it was pretty funny watching him twist around on stage as if to say “Suck on this, Cowell!” Simon hated it, of course, but what else is new? Taylor’s second performance of “In the Ghetto” was a sleeper… no, I don’t mean that it was a surprise hit. I mean I fell asleep during it. I have no idea why the judges creamed their pants so much over it, but Simon told Taylor that he earned a spot in the semifinals after that one. Um, Simon… the semifinals happened months ago. Even Stevie Scott had a place in the semifinals, that’s how easy it was to get there. You might as well have told Taylor that he’s “going to HOLLYWOOD!” again. What a moron. I love Taylor's strategy of doing one V FTW performance and one Soul Patrol performance per night for the last 2 weeks. That way, he appeases his two main fan groups. What a smart guy!
Chris Daughtry was up next. He performed “Suspicious Minds”, an excellent song, by sucking the life out of it and injecting it with goat vibrato. And as if he didn’t look like a penis with ears all ready, those ridiculous sunglasses made him look even more like male genitalia. He bored his way through the performance and the judges loved it anyway. It’s not like he’s the chosen one or anything… Paula told him that he earned his place in the finale. See? That wasn’t hard, Simon. Even the boozehound can correctly tell the difference between the final 2 and the semifinals. For his second performance, Chris got up on stage and phoned another one in. This time he attempted “A Little Less Conversation”. Talk about pissing off the VFTW crowd. Former VFTW royalty Jon Peter Lewis performed this song with awful vocals, ridiculous dancing, and a “to hell with this” attitude. If you can’t live up to that hall of fame performance, you might as well not even try. It’s like anyone attemptin g Thylvia Chibiliti’s “Dibit We Ohmos Hab It Aw”. Why bother? Then, at the end of the song, Chris suddenly let out two awful screams, as if his head was about to finally secrete the good stuff. But just like any other aspect of Chris, he didn’t deliver. The only funny part of his performance was his see-through shirt, exposing the Daughtry nipples. Of course, the same fans that wet themselves when he announced that he wore boxer briefs probably had a double orgasm tonight over that one. Well played, Mr. Daughtry. Well played. The pre-teen crowd will vote overtime for you tonight.
Elliott Yamin looked even more like a werewolf than normal (must be a full moon), as he tackled “If I Can Zzzzz…” and “Trouble”. The former was a boring snoozefest that was just terribly uninteresting. It even started with a more prominent vibrato than our bald-headed friend. Not a good sign. “Trouble”, though, was a pretty darn good performance. Of course, being that this is VFTW, this means that I shall skip over even mentioning any more about this. Geez, Elliott, try a little harder to suck next week, would ya? Boring and good are not words that us Worsters appreciate.
Katharine McPhee perfomed last, starting with “Hound Dog/All Shook Up” medley because “like all of Elvis’s songs like sound the same!” Of course, she screeched through the entire thing and even turned around when she forgot her words as if no one would notice. Sweetie, you’re singing into a microphone. You can do flips and expose your baby-maker again, but if you don’t sing a lyric (or in Pickler’s case, a word or a lyric), people will notice. The judges tore into her, which obviously made the McParents mad. I love when they’re mad and I don’t even know them. I kind of want to send them a card that says “Congratulations…” and on the inside it says “because you’re both obnoxious fame whores living vicariously through your daughter!” It wouldn’t be worth it unless I could see the looks on their faces, though. Katharine then attempted to pull off a Taylor like maneuver by calling out to her very own Soul Patrol. It went a little something like this.
OK, so those last 2 lines didn’t happen. But her pathetic rallying of the “McFans” (what foolhardy 12 year old came up with that one?) was just sad. She might as well have said “Vote for the Worst… Come on guys, I’m next after Taylor. Just pick me now. I need you.” Katharine then spit on Elvis’s grave with her performance of “Can’t Help Falling in Love”. She started off fine, but then started screeching the song in such an unpleasant pitch that the neighborhood dogs said “I wouldn’t even hit that.” She then combined screeching, off-key singing with unnecessary melisma to create another horrific vocal. Awesome work, Katharine! She’s still too boring to be VFTW, but if she can manage to outlast Taylor, she’s our girl!
Unluckily for her, I doubt she’ll be around next week. Unlike when she inappropriately smiles through all of her sad songs, this Idol outcast won't be smiling tomorrow. Katharine stupidly did not expose her breasts this week, meaning that the only people who might even vote for her would be VFTW (but we voted for Taylor) or M…Mmmm…Mc…Fa…ns. Even they can’t save her this week, and I predict Katharine goes home this week. Who is she in the bottom 2 with? Who cares? It’ll probably be Elliott, but maybe the producers will put Chris down there to scare his fans into voting for him. Either way, it’s time for our lone female to stop sounding like a Kat in heat and to finally get that bun out of the oven. I hope she and Mr. Covais have a happy life together. That is, until he informs her that she’s only his “part time lover” and that he’s leaving her so he can get some “undercover pathion on the run.” Go Kevin, go! __________________________