Top 5 - Be That Funky Worster, White Boy!

The top 5 Idols proved to be a wildly inconsistent bunch. Par for the course, they almost all selected songs from the year they were born that didn’t suit their voices at all. Their “hits of today” were also barely hits, with Taylor going out of his way to select a 30+ year old song. Paula was unfortunately too docile for my tastes this week, because no one moved her to tears. But Simon did play his famous “gotcha” game on her again. I love when he does that. Here’s how it goes: Paula insults a contestant because their performance was bad. Simon then compliments them just so he can say he disagrees with Paula. Paula gets mad and embarrassed. Gotcha! This week, the stage was set by Paris. Paula knew that there was no way that Simon could compliment her after her bad performance. Wrong, Paula. Gotcha! Now if only Simon liked women, you two could just do the nasty and get it over with.

Elliott Yamin kick started the night with “On Broadway”. Mr. Savol did a better job last year even when VFTW was voting for him, sorry to say it Elliott. He was pretty bland and forgettable. “Home” was a better song choice, and he showed off his vocal chops, but I agree with Simon about not singing “I want to go home” in your song. Elliott might as well have sang “Remember me? The guy with the jacked up teeth that can sing well? I know I’m boring but I’m still here. But not for long (insert melisma).” Elliott’s a good singer, but he’s no Idol. He may have cursed himself with that song choice.

The real curse this week belongs to the Pug Dog. In the last 4 years of Idol, the person who sang second on the final five night has gone home. That’s RJ Helton, Trenyce, George Huff, the amazing Scott Savol, and now… Paris Bennett. First, Paris decided to break out the inner Beyoncé again and perform Prince’s “Kiss”. Remember, this is a 17 year old (who looks like a pug dog) singing “You don’t have to be beautiful to turn me on, I just need your body baby, from dusk till dawn”. Ew. Just nasty. Then she did some Jell-o shakin’ moves in the middle of the song that were hilarious at best and frightening at worst. Her second song was “Be Without You”. While this wasn’t as bad as “Kiss”, it was nowhere near Mary J. Blige’s version. Even without the curse, Paris would be doomed tonight. Add those 2 together and Paris is just gone.

Chris Daughtry actually somewhat impressed me for once with his “Renegade” performance. But then, the goat vibrato screaming was out in full force for “I Dare You”. You could hear him straining to scream out notes, but even though I've never heard this song before, I bet that's how it's supposed to sound. I doubt Simon and company listen to modern rock radio... it's ALL screaming. Screaming is cool, man, dawg, dude. So while his voice definitely wasn't great on the second song, and it probably wasn't the best choice to pick, it's just another case of the judges having no idea what they're talking about. And Chris, seriously, do you need to wear black every week? I know it’s probably “your thing”, just like being white trash was Kellie’s “thing”. But seriously, either you have no sense of humor and no personality, or… no, that’s probably it. Nevermind. Also, you don’t need a wallet chain up on stage. Who is seriously going to come up on stage and take your money? Oh wait, I fo rgot, Pickler’s paw was released from jail this week. Carry on, Chris. Carry on.

Katharine McPhee upped the “I shouldn’t watch but I can’t stop looking” factor with her molestation of “Against All Odds”. Once again, VFTW alumnus Scott Savol did a better job with this. And when you’re remembering “wow, this isn’t as good as Scott’s version”, that just isn’t a good thing. Vocally, this performance may have been Katharine’s worst ever. Simon told her it was one of her “best ever”, meaning “worst ever”, and then interrupted her later to correct himself. It’s as if he was saying, “America, I know most of you are morons and just listen to everything I say. So if I don’t correct myself, you’ll vote for this trash bag wearing hussy. So… don’t.” Once again, Katharine just thinks she’s way better than she is, and no one is telling her otherwise. Having the most obnoxious stage parents ever who probably praise her every giggle obviously doesn’t help. Seriously, Mother and Father McPhee, just sit down and shut up. Last week, the Advocate reported that Daddy went over to harass Paula during a commercial break since the judges panned Kat’s performance. Can we vote for Daddy McPhee as VFTW? What a tool. Kat then salvaged her skills and did a pretty good job on “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”. Her vocals were almost perfect because… get this… she didn’t pick a song that was too big for her. She also tried to win over Kellie’s fans by prancing around on her knees the entire performance. I expect Katharine to have learned nothing by next week when she attempts a Celine Dion song.

Finally, Taylor Hicks really brought out the VFTW spirit this week. First, his rendition of “Play That Funky Music” was so over the top hysterical, I was jumping in my chair. Someone must have told him that he was the VFTW pick this week, because he went all out to do us proud. His vocals were average, but the crazy antics definitely escalate this performance to one of the best Vote for the Worst performances of the season. He threw in a few “woos” and “heys” for good measure and ended by falling on the floor. And the shirt… I mean it’s like Robin Williams meets a pissed off rainbow. Thank you for that performance, Taylor. I loved it. It was a big “piss off” to the producers for changing his songs around and not letting him be himself. Taylor, buddy, we love ya and keep doing’ what you’re doin’. Then, for some odd reason, he decided to sing “Something” by the Beatles. These are indeed the same Beatles who are no longer releasing music. Yet, Taylor sang a song that was in the top 10 Billboard Pop Catalog Albums list. How weird is that? And he wasn’t even very good on it, so it didn’t even make much sense. He did a passable job, but the song didn’t fit him at all. Not even crazy antics could save the performance, and it fell into Yamin boring territory. But on a night that wasn’t very good, “Something” did stand out as one of the better performance. I just much preferred “Play that Funky Music”.

Who’s going home? I have to go with Paris because of the curse. Though I would be delighted and might even squeal like a pig if Katharine went home. All of the people with the McPheever would be incurable and the teenyboppers would be inconsolable. We haven’t gotten any truly great hate mail in a while, so that should spice things up. Paris is most likely gone, but if I pray enough tonight, hopefully I can convince the powers that be to kick Katharine to the curb. __________________________