The Idols were back in fine form this week, making sure that VFTW didn’t have to spend much time being bored. Elliott Yamin performed a show stopping number this week that was pretty phenomenal, but the other 5 really went out of their way to suck it up. It seems that the only genre of music these people can sing is standards. This, of course, is perfect, because the winner will be sent in a time machine back to 1940, where they will release their record! It seriously is a sad state of affairs when the contestants can't sing love songs. Love songs? That's probably 90% of the songs ever written. Next week, all of the contestants will screw up "songs written by people," and the following week they will ruin "songs that have been sung by someone else." We've got some creative people on the Idol theme week production team, let me tell you. Here is a recap of another awful night from the least talented singers in America:
First of all, one performance really made me vomit. It was truly that awful. Which performance was that? Nope, not Kellie Pickler. It was the judges praising Chris Daughtry after his blah rendition of “Have You Ever Loved a Woman.” The judges jumped out of their seats, called it sexy, and said he was amazing. Were we listening to the same thing? Chris’s goat vibrato completely wrecked parts of the song, and he was incredibly boring. I love how Chris was told in rehearsals to sing from his diaphragm and not his throat, yet he completely ignored it and gave one of his throatiest performances ever. Then again, it was the second best performance of the night because he didn’t have much to live up to. If it’s not obvious by now that Chris is the chosen one, please kill yourself because you are no longer a functioning member of society. Seriously, just as I was willing to bet large amounts of cash on Chris winning before they even sang a note, I’m still willing to make those bets. Any takers?
We started the night off with Katharine McPhee singing “I Have Nothing.” It was a pretty bad performance, but not nearly as bad as “Who Wants to Live Forever” or “The Voice Within.” Once again, Katharine thinks so highly of herself that she takes on a Whitney Houston song, one that she can barely emote with her boring personality. I don't know if Katharine knows any emotion besides "If you insult my song, I will stand up here and act sweet but you can tell I'm an evil bitch who is waiting to kill you all backstage." Of course, that's what we saw this week. As a pleasant surprise, the judges tore her apart. Though really, they were way meaner to her than she probably deserved, especially since she has really sucked in the past and they complimented her then. Suddenly a mediocre-to-bad performance by McPhee deserves a caning? Of course, she also brought out her McTatas in an effort to gain votes this week. Will it work? The 12 year old girls won’t be having it, but hey, the horny old pervs will be voting for her in full force.
Next up, Kellie Pickler evacuated all music lovers from their living rooms with her mutilation of “Unchained Melody.” This girl is so incredibly awful, it’s a wonder it took some people so long to realize what a perfect VFTW pick she is. She started off flat, got worse, got even worse, got even worse, and then hit the high note perfectly. How the hell do you do that, where you mess up the entire song except for the difficult note? She really is too much sometimes. I think she spent all day perfecting the trademarked Ace falseshitto note and forgot that the song actually needed emotion. Even Paula had harsh words for Kellie. When Paula insults you, you know you’re either really bad or you drank her last bottle of Jack Daniels. Sadly, Pickler didn’t recite any priceless Picklerisms this week (though she did manage to act like a moron when describing the movie “Ghost”), but Andrea Bocelli did correctly guess that she was a dumb blonde. When a blind man can guess you’re a blonde, you truly are a gigantic idiot. But she’s our gigantic idiot and I put in 2 hours of votes for the Pickled Minx. Her star has fallen so much in the past 2 weeks that even Nikki McKibbin is saying “she’s doomed.”
Paris Bennett doesn’t know what love is, so she tackled “The Way We Were.” How can the judges lambaste Katharine for doing Whitney, when Paris had no business doing Barbra Streisand and it went unmentioned? Either way, Paris again tanked in a horrible way, with appalling vocals that barely matched the right pitches. Paris is so oddly hot and cold, because she is an excellent jazz singer some nights and an awful Fantasia impersonator other nights. On a normal night, this would be her ticket home, yet everyone was so atrocious, she may be spared. Oh and before I forget: Pug dog, pug dog, ugly weave, stupid helium voice.
And lastly, Taylor Hicks performed “Just Once.” Just like Paris, Taylor has the tendency to either be right on the money or way off. This was one of those way off times, as Taylor completely missed his notes for the first half of the song. He looked like he took lessons from the Carrie Underwood school of performance, because I half expected him to just stare at the audience and break out the cadaver arm. By the end of the song Taylor brought it home, but it was a little too late. This was Taylor’s worst performance in weeks, and it made sure that he’s in the running as Kellie’s eventual VFTW replacement.
Who’s going home? Even with VFTW’s help, Kellie may be a goner this week. She was just that awful, and I doubt her fans will forgive her. The bottom 3 will almost certainly be Kellie, Paris, and Katharine. My money would be on Kellie going home, but I hope to be shocked by seeing the Pug Dog have her final dog day in the competition. Either way, I’m waiting with baited breath, and I’m hoping that we can help save Kellie for another week. This is one of the toughest VFTW battles we’ve ever faced, but at this time last year Scott Savol outlasted Constantine, so anything is possible! Come on America, let’s make some good TV and hopefully Kellie will be spared from her inevitable execution tonight.
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First of all, one performance really made me vomit. It was truly that awful. Which performance was that? Nope, not Kellie Pickler. It was the judges praising Chris Daughtry after his blah rendition of “Have You Ever Loved a Woman.” The judges jumped out of their seats, called it sexy, and said he was amazing. Were we listening to the same thing? Chris’s goat vibrato completely wrecked parts of the song, and he was incredibly boring. I love how Chris was told in rehearsals to sing from his diaphragm and not his throat, yet he completely ignored it and gave one of his throatiest performances ever. Then again, it was the second best performance of the night because he didn’t have much to live up to. If it’s not obvious by now that Chris is the chosen one, please kill yourself because you are no longer a functioning member of society. Seriously, just as I was willing to bet large amounts of cash on Chris winning before they even sang a note, I’m still willing to make those bets. Any takers?
We started the night off with Katharine McPhee singing “I Have Nothing.” It was a pretty bad performance, but not nearly as bad as “Who Wants to Live Forever” or “The Voice Within.” Once again, Katharine thinks so highly of herself that she takes on a Whitney Houston song, one that she can barely emote with her boring personality. I don't know if Katharine knows any emotion besides "If you insult my song, I will stand up here and act sweet but you can tell I'm an evil bitch who is waiting to kill you all backstage." Of course, that's what we saw this week. As a pleasant surprise, the judges tore her apart. Though really, they were way meaner to her than she probably deserved, especially since she has really sucked in the past and they complimented her then. Suddenly a mediocre-to-bad performance by McPhee deserves a caning? Of course, she also brought out her McTatas in an effort to gain votes this week. Will it work? The 12 year old girls won’t be having it, but hey, the horny old pervs will be voting for her in full force.
Next up, Kellie Pickler evacuated all music lovers from their living rooms with her mutilation of “Unchained Melody.” This girl is so incredibly awful, it’s a wonder it took some people so long to realize what a perfect VFTW pick she is. She started off flat, got worse, got even worse, got even worse, and then hit the high note perfectly. How the hell do you do that, where you mess up the entire song except for the difficult note? She really is too much sometimes. I think she spent all day perfecting the trademarked Ace falseshitto note and forgot that the song actually needed emotion. Even Paula had harsh words for Kellie. When Paula insults you, you know you’re either really bad or you drank her last bottle of Jack Daniels. Sadly, Pickler didn’t recite any priceless Picklerisms this week (though she did manage to act like a moron when describing the movie “Ghost”), but Andrea Bocelli did correctly guess that she was a dumb blonde. When a blind man can guess you’re a blonde, you truly are a gigantic idiot. But she’s our gigantic idiot and I put in 2 hours of votes for the Pickled Minx. Her star has fallen so much in the past 2 weeks that even Nikki McKibbin is saying “she’s doomed.”
Paris Bennett doesn’t know what love is, so she tackled “The Way We Were.” How can the judges lambaste Katharine for doing Whitney, when Paris had no business doing Barbra Streisand and it went unmentioned? Either way, Paris again tanked in a horrible way, with appalling vocals that barely matched the right pitches. Paris is so oddly hot and cold, because she is an excellent jazz singer some nights and an awful Fantasia impersonator other nights. On a normal night, this would be her ticket home, yet everyone was so atrocious, she may be spared. Oh and before I forget: Pug dog, pug dog, ugly weave, stupid helium voice.
And lastly, Taylor Hicks performed “Just Once.” Just like Paris, Taylor has the tendency to either be right on the money or way off. This was one of those way off times, as Taylor completely missed his notes for the first half of the song. He looked like he took lessons from the Carrie Underwood school of performance, because I half expected him to just stare at the audience and break out the cadaver arm. By the end of the song Taylor brought it home, but it was a little too late. This was Taylor’s worst performance in weeks, and it made sure that he’s in the running as Kellie’s eventual VFTW replacement.
Who’s going home? Even with VFTW’s help, Kellie may be a goner this week. She was just that awful, and I doubt her fans will forgive her. The bottom 3 will almost certainly be Kellie, Paris, and Katharine. My money would be on Kellie going home, but I hope to be shocked by seeing the Pug Dog have her final dog day in the competition. Either way, I’m waiting with baited breath, and I’m hoping that we can help save Kellie for another week. This is one of the toughest VFTW battles we’ve ever faced, but at this time last year Scott Savol outlasted Constantine, so anything is possible! Come on America, let’s make some good TV and hopefully Kellie will be spared from her inevitable execution tonight. __________________________