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Want to Make it on American Idol? You Better Have a Sob Story
Idol Leftover Auditions-- At Least They're Over.
Seacrest ominously intones: "As our audition tour comes to a climax..." Yeah, Kara already had four of those during Ryan's "This is... American Idol" dramatic pause.
Idol tradition tells us that the last Audition Episode is usually a "Greatest Hits" compilation. That's right, the show that's worth a billion dollars doesn't bother shooting any new episodes. They just throw together some recycled footage that was SOOOooo Good they didn't bother showing it the first time around. If that sounds wonderful to you, then you'll probably love this episode.
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‘Road to Hollywood’ Episode Recap – The Victoria Beckham Blooper Reel
The last audition episode was a compilation of the auditions that Idol hasn’t shown yet. So instead of cutting “Pants on the Ground” and the singing football player out of the episodes to fit these people in, Idol created another episode. Just what I needed. Honestly, I am so over these auditions. Idol promises me that they’ve saved the best for last. If that’s the case, this is going to be one long ass season. Tonight, Victoria Beckham was actually more interesting than half of the contestants. And when that happens, it’s time to cancel the show. Seriously.
Denver, Can You Unbutton Your Shirt a Little? Ooh Yeah.
I know some of you may have noticed that I seem bored and disinterested with this lackluster season so far. Well, that's because I am. I am really ready for the Final 24 start. I enjoy this show much more when the bad singing is supposed to be good, if you get what I mean. The Bad Singing Auditions are pretty terrible, repetitive and after 9 seasons, they are thoroughly predictable. What this season really needed was for Posh Spice to come back for an entire hour to punish us. No Katy Perry or Doogie for a second hour, but Ms. Too Tanned Twig who voted for people purely based on looks and fashion sense gets another go-round? Could this season get any worse? I sure hope not, 'cause they're scraping bottom of the barrel as it is.
Denver Audition Recap- Unlike Idol, This Blog Will Save You From Corporate Hell
I had little to no hope for the Denver audition episode. First, Victoria Beckham came back to blend into the wallpaper. Then Ryan Seacrest reminded me that Daughtry tried out in Denver, but has gone on to have twenty #1 hits. Wait, what the fuck? How is that even possible? I just checked Wikipedia and the guy has 2 albums with 12 songs each. So all but 4 of the songs he’s ever released are #1 hits? Does this show even remotely care about telling the truth anymore? Denver did produce some good VFTW potential, and the auditions are almost over (finally), so I can’t be too hard on the show.
Who am I kidding? Time to tear Idol a new one, Denver style.
Dallas Auditions Recap - One Man Boob Out the Door, One More To Go
In Dallas, Simon and Randy complain that they’d like to have Richard Simmons and Clint Eastwood judge. Well I want Whitney Houston (on crack) to judge. You can’t always get what you want. Neil Patrick Harris is a good guest judge though, but anything is a let down after fiery Katy last night. Neil proclaims that his “goal today is to shatter the dreams of thousands. If I can make two or three dozen cry, I’ll feel like I’ve done my job.” Now that’s what I like to hear! Team NPH!
Doogie Does Dallas
Doogie Does Dallas --
Neil Patrick Harris guest stars and was predictably awesome. "My goal is to shatter the dreams of thousands." Sounds good to me. Neil was on point, nailing zingers, bringing welcome personality to the show and having a solid idea of what he likes in a singer. So why is Randy still judging on this show again?
While we're talking about the tub of goo, I'm begging you Randy, please retire this "Billion per cent yes" crap. It's a simple yes or no question. Giving someone a "billion per cent yes" is no more validating then the pity "Yes" votes you cast for cancer patients and homeless people.
Hollywood Boulevard Night
Thank God it's finally Hollywood Week-- Oh, wait. It's just more bad singing auditions FROM Hollywood. Crap.
So the Idol Juggernaut chugs on. I really, really hope that one day Idol figures it out and just airs one week of two hour auditions and just gets this stuff over with. The real Hollywood week is so much more entertaining where the personalities come out and bad songs are butchered.
If this was a half-hour episode it would've been pretty good. The second half in particular was entertaining with Katy Perry's sassy judging. The first half was dull with unexceptional Crazies and no good singers worth mentioning.
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So you want to get onto American Idol? Nowadays, singing talent doesn’t matter. The only way to secure your spot on the show is to have a sob story. American Idol didn’t start out this way, but it has devolved into Queen for a Day for the new Millennium. By season 9, the celebrity judges won’t even see you unless you have 3 dead relatives, incurable cancer, and a near death experience. If you want to be taken seriously and make it all the way to the top 12, you need to divulge as much as you can about the tragedy that is your life. So what if your life is actually good and you don’t have something awful to share? You might think you need to stay home. But fear not. Vote for the Worst has produced the guide to the 10 tearjerkers that American Idol loves to utilize. And we’ve even ranked them in the order that they’re most likely to get you on the show. We’re givers like that. So pick one of these gems, fake it, and watch as the American Idol judges eat out of the palm of your hands.