Kristy Lee what now? Oh, that chick. Right. She should be happy to have been part of the first half of lucky rats to abandon this sinking ship of suckage.
In 200 years, treasure hunters will dive off the coast of California searching for the fabled U.S.S. Idol, a once mighty vessel that in its declining years still carried a fortune in advertising gold. Alas, the ships hull had been weakened by years of carrying Simon Cowell's huge ego and Randy Jackson's bulbous posterior. It also didn't help that Paula Abdul, the serving wench, had been caught licking spilled spiced rum out of the cracks in the galley floor, her voracious tongue slowly eroding a large hole in the bottom of the ship. These things combined, along with Brooke White's performance, caused a mighty and terrible shipwreck, and the Idol went down somewhere off the shores of Hollywood on that fateful night of 4/22/2008.
After years of searching, the wreck of the Idol will be discovered fully intact on the bottom of the Pacific, remarkably preserved by a cloud of alcohol that emanates from Paula Abdul's quarters. Through the most advanced archaeological methods, the story of what happened on that sad night will slowly be revealed.
Brooke White was the first to meet her demise. Starvation was the cause of death. Her death is not believed to be related to the wreck, but due to the fact that she would not eat a friggin' sandwich already!
The next casualty was David Cook. A fire broke out in the galley, and his greasy hair was immediately ignited, causing his last few minutes to be spent howling in agony. The judges said it was his best performance to date, and he was seen mouthing the words "Thank you" from his charred lips before he expired.
Next to go was Carly Smitshon. She attempted to bribe some of the crew for a ride on their lifeboat with some of her old CDs. No one was interested. She decided to abandon ship in the hope that fat floats, but she, and her career, sunk like a stone into the briny deep.
Syesha actually survived the sinking of the ship due to being naturally equipped with two large and wonderful floatation devices, but she was grabbed by the ankle by Carly on her way down, and even the natural buoyancy of Syesha could not keep them above water.
David Archuleta took his fate like a zen master, going down with the ship in a calm and serene manner that was much more mature than his years. Turns out he just did not have the brain power to comprehend what was happening around him. He also was happy to finally be free of his father's grasp. His father would later sell the rights to David's story for millions of dolllars. In an interview just after the sale, Jeff said, "I couldn't be any happier if I had my own son back!"
Last of the contestants to succumb to the cold hand of death was Jason Castro. Jason did not actually drown, but instead died of a drug overdose after gobbling up his stash of various mood-altering substances. His last words were, "Couldn't let that stuff go to waste, man! Wow, I'm totally high."
The judges all passed away soon after. Paula and Simon were actually eaten by a nervous Randy, and Randy then experienced a severe stomach cramp while swimming to shore. He forgot to wait an hour before swimming after eating his colleagues.
The only one who did not go down with the ship was Ryan Seacrest. However, he did not survive. Inflating his head with the power of his massive ego, Seacrest floated away on the air like a balloon. At 1000 feet, his head was popped by a passing osprey, and he plummeted to his death. The osprey was declared a national hero and had its own talk show for a while.
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Does Kristy Lee regret posing in front of a confederate flag? Has her horse been made into glue yet? And whatever happened to the Kristy's Seat name tag? Kristy answers none of these questions, but still, enjoy her TV Guide interview here. We miss ya, Kristy!
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